"Anyway, I get that you’ve had a change of heart. That’s probably why you put off your answer to Saito-san. It has to be. I’m smart, so I just know these things."
"What are you even competing with? ...Though you're not wrong."
Wataru tried to steer the conversation back on track with a joke, his tone shifting from the serious one they had been sharing. I noticed his right hand move to the back of his head—a habit of his when he was trying to hide something or brush a subject aside. He was likely feeling embarrassed by the recent turn the conversation had taken. Just like me.
Sasaki-kun let out a sigh and looked straight ahead, as if trying to shield his eyes from the westering sun. I could see Wataru relax as the tension left his body. For some reason, I understood exactly how he felt.
"I don’t know about you, Sajou, but... just because you give up, it doesn't mean your feelings have cooled down."
"Huh...?"
"The reason I gave up wasn't because my feelings faded. It was for a different reason entirely. That’s why I thought it would be a long time before I could like someone else. Honestly, I still feel that way now."
"......You..."
Wataru glanced at Sasaki-kun and then looked down, grimacing as if he’d just swallowed something incredibly bitter. It was as if he couldn’t bear to hear it. Seeing an expression that looked almost like physical pain, I felt a sense of hesitation even trying to fathom what was in his heart. Did Wataru harbor the same feelings as Sasaki-kun? The thought made a spark of happiness flicker within me, even as my chest tightened with a painful squeeze.
"It was the same when Saito-san called me out. I could more or less guess what she was trying to do by asking to meet during the Cultural Festival. Even while telling myself I was just being self-conscious, I was stupidly happy. I was expectant. I was already thinking about how I’d turn her down if she confessed."
"..."
"Why are you so quiet? I’m the worst, right?"
"...Even if you didn’t plan on dating her, any guy would get carried away like that."
"You really are the worst."
"I'll kill you."
It was a rough exchange of words, but there was no malice between them. In fact, even as Sasaki-kun cursed Wataru, he was laughing in a self-deprecating way. The way he spoke felt like an invitation, as if he were begging Wataru to scold him.
The conflict between reason and emotion creates two contradictory versions of oneself. It’s a stifling feeling, like you’re slowly strangling yourself. One part of you remains cold and detached, wondering how much better things would be if you could just act on your feelings. I recognized that indescribable sensation. Wataru had dismissed it as a "guy thing," but I didn't think it was right to lump it all under the word "worst." Even though our situations were different, I—who wasn't a boy—knew that feeling all too well.
"—But Saito-san’s direct gaze and her serious words changed everything."
"Huh?"
"Her hands, her legs, her eyes—she was shaking all over. But even then, Saito-san squeezed out every bit of her courage to tell me clearly. She told me why she liked me. She told me what kind of future she wanted with me."
"..."
"She said she didn't have confidence in this or that, and that she wasn't good at these kinds of things. But she told me that her feelings for me wouldn't lose to anyone else's—"
"Wai—Wait a minute... Wait, wait, wait, wait."
"What?"
"Don't 'what' me."
Wataru stopped Sasaki-kun, his mouth twitching. To be honest, it was a relief for me too. I needed a moment to catch my breath; my heart was pounding so hard I could barely stand it. Looking down, I saw that Kei's face was also a bright, obvious red.
Sasaki-kun’s description was so vivid that I could easily picture Saito-san’s pure devotion. She wasn't someone I was as close to as Kei, but in that moment, I felt like I could give her a massive hug. If only I could have sat down with some tea and sweets and squealed about this with Kei. Then again, I wondered if this was even a story Wataru should be hearing.
"For someone who didn’t say yes, you sure remember every detail... What is wrong with you? Are you trying to brag? This is the ultimate form of violence to a guy like me."
"No, listen to the end."
"What... is this some new kind of torture? What more do you want from me...?"
Watching Wataru look like he was about to cry with a vein popping on his forehead, the frantic drumming in my chest eased slightly. A romance story from Sasaki-kun—one that I would have wanted to listen to intently under any other circumstances—seemed to be nothing but agony for Wataru. I wondered if this was just the difference between boys and girls. If I could have stood there openly, I probably would have pelted Sasaki-kun with questions without a second thought.
"I’d been feeling a bit heartbroken and withered, but Saito-san’s straightforward feelings definitely shook me."
"I see."
"I was happy. That she cared about me that much."
"Ho-oh."
"But—that doesn't mean Saito-san has become someone special to me yet."
"What is wrong with you?"
"You understand, right?"
"No, I don't! Unfortunately, I’ve never had a confession like that even once in my life!"
"Sa... Sajocchi..."
Kei let out a performative, sobbing wail. The content of Wataru's shout was just too pathetic. At the same time, I was overcome by an unbearable sense of restlessness. Honestly, for me—the one who had never even tried to look at Wataru back then—his words stung my ears and my heart. Perhaps it was just the reflection of the light in the window, but to me, it looked as if a halo was shining behind Sasaki-kun.
"Still... I don’t want to hurt a girl like that. If I can, I want to respond to her..."
"Then you should've just said yes."
"It's not that simple. It’d be disrespectful to date her when I don't feel the same way yet, especially after she put so much sincerity into her confession."
"......So, that's why you put it on hold?"
"......"
Sasaki-kun gave a silent nod to Wataru’s exasperated question. Wataru, his eyebrows lowered, seemed to have run out of things to say. His posture had shifted from attentive to completely annoyed, his mouth twisted in a grimace. I didn't think he needed to be quite that cold...
"......And why does that mean you have to consult me? Talk about a massive error in judgment..."
"You’re the only one I know with any real romantic experience, Sajou."
"If you mean romance, I’ve got plenty of experience with heartbreak, sure. But why pick the guy who's suffered nothing but complete defeats...?"
"Even so, you were always serious about it... Please."
"You..."
My breath caught for a second. While I hadn't been lying when I rejected Wataru back then, hearing him belittle himself like this made a wave of guilt wash over me.
As I listened with my teeth gritted, Kei looked up at me from her position on all fours.
"Aichi... what do you think?"
"......Well, if possible... I want him to end up with Saito-san."
"Right...?"
Perhaps it was just my nature as a girl, but I couldn't help but root for someone so devoted. I wanted her to be happy. However, Sasaki-kun didn’t have romantic feelings for Saito-san right now. If they started dating like this, he would likely spend the whole time hiding his true feelings. Saito-san wouldn’t be able to find true happiness that way. Besides, I didn’t even know who Sasaki-kun’s first love was.
But based on what he was saying, I felt like Sasaki-kun was consulting Wataru specifically to find a way through that. He was likely bowing his head in a desperate, "clutching at straws" kind of way, even more than Wataru realized.
Sasaki-kun had a first love he had only just given up on when Saito-san confessed. When he tried to turn her down, his heart was moved, and he felt a desire to reciprocate. But it was too sudden for him to see her as someone special, and the timing was probably just bad. He felt that accepting her feelings in that state would be disrespectful to her sincerity.
It was a difficult problem. For both Sasaki-kun and Saito-san, just rooting for them wasn’t going to solve anything. I wondered what Wataru would do... If possible, I wanted him to help.
"..."
Wataru let out a long sigh and looked upward, lost in thought. In contrast to Sasaki-kun and the two of us, who were agonizing over the situation, his expression wasn't very serious at all. He looked the way someone might when trying to remember what they ate for dinner last night. I wondered if Wataru just wasn't taking this seriously.
What if Wataru had lost interest not just in a single person, but in the very concept of "romance" itself? I didn't have to think hard to know who had taken that from him. By objectively observing Sasaki-kun now, I truly understood the loneliness of having one's serious feelings go ignored. Had Wataru become like I was back then?
Even though the thorn should have been removed, the pain wouldn’t stop.
"—You should just date her."
I had just looked away from Wataru when his voice reached my ears. It carried no trace of hesitation or gravity.