“I’m sorry, Natsukawa.”
Suddenly, Wataru bowed his head to me. I was left bewildered by the sudden, out-of-context apology. As I looked down at his brown hair, where the black roots were just starting to show, a wave of nostalgia washed over me.
“I was unresponsive no matter how much you pushed me, and the more you hit me, the more I clung to you. Looking back on it, that’s just not normal.”
I wondered what on earth he was talking about—and yet, I found myself agreeing with him. It certainly would be a problem if someone you tried to knock away just kept coming back. His logic was perfectly sound, but Wataru himself didn’t seem sound at all, suddenly spouting such things.
(What are you suddenly—huh?)
The words I tried to say wouldn't come out. I could only stare back at Wataru, who was looking at me with an expression of sudden enlightenment. Yet, strangely, I didn't question my own reaction. It felt as if this wasn't the first time I had experienced this scene, or the sensation of having such jarring words thrown at me.
“If I'm pushed, I'll react. If I'm hit, I'll back off. If I'm hated, I won't come near you anymore. That’s probably how human relationships usually work... So, I've decided to read the room and follow those modern ‘standards.’ I’ll try to be a bit more composed from now on, so let’s leave it at that.”
(That’s impossible for you.)
I was appalled. I wondered what he was thinking, acting like he knew everything... Read the room? Be composed? Those were the things this man had been the most incapable of doing until now. No matter how much I pushed him away or showered him with verbal abuse, he had still clung to me. He had even been intimidating toward other kids who tried to warn him. Despite never listening no matter how many times I told him, who did he think he was, saying that now?
“Don’t follow me!”
“Okay.”
Who did he think—
“Are... are you really not coming...?”
“Eh...?”
...
(......Huh......?)
A sense of unease took hold of me. It was strange... I felt like I had experienced even this sense of unease before. It was like reaching out to grab something only to find it was water, or reaching for water only to touch air—the sensation of something slipping through my fingers, leaving me hanging.
That was it. I knew that Sajou Wataru. I had seen him—the boy who never used to back down—pulling away as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
The boy who vanished from my side. At the times he should have always been there, he wasn't, no matter how much I let my gaze wander through the classroom. Or even if he was there, he would be talking to someone else in the distance, far beyond the reach of my voice.
An impatience born from the accumulation of such moments. An egoistic emotion that was far from commendable. An illusion, as if my very reason for being had been stolen away.
I had made many friends. I had even invited them to my house. And yet, I felt as if the place that had always been there for me was melting away. In inverse proportion to something being filled, something else was burning into ash, leaving me riddled with holes.
“Didn’t you say you wouldn't let someone gross and influential like me get close?”
Stop it. I get it already. I understand that you’re reading the room. I understand that you’re keeping your distance out of consideration for me. So don't—
“We’re already done with that kind of thing.”
Don’t leave me—
“—!?”
It was dawn. The room was dim, the space silent. Despite having just woken up, I didn't feel a hint of sleepiness. When I moved my knees on the bed, the towel blanket made a soft rustling sound.
(......Wataru............)
Two things occupied my mind. One was that Sajou Wataru had appeared, and the other was that I had been on the verge of losing something. It was a terrifying dream. I couldn't remember the specifics, but the sweat trailing from my neck to my chest was proof enough of just how much it had frightened me.
(......Idiot............)
I knew I was just taking my frustration out on him, but I still felt like I wanted to complain. I remembered exactly what had happened yesterday. Even so, there were certainly feelings that had been tempered by a night’s sleep.
I unplugged the charging cable from my smartphone by the pillow. I turned it on and opened the group chat shared by my best friend and “him.” Then I stopped. Somehow, I realized I was no longer in a position where I could complain to him for no reason at all.
“......Idiot.”
I didn't feel any physical sluggishness; I had likely just been affected by the lingering summer heat. Sleeping with the towel blanket wrapped tightly around me might have backfired. When I squinted at the clock, it was just past four-thirty. No one was there; apparently, today wasn't a day I’d be woken up by my sister’s knee drop.
(............I’m not sleepy.)
It was a bit too early, but that wasn't rare. Considering my life revolved around my beloved younger sister, I could say I’d had plenty of sleep. Besides, I didn't feel like I could fall back into a slumber. Today was a school day—if I stayed up and got ready now, I could lighten my mother's workload. Yes, let's do that.
I used a cold body sheet to gently wipe the sweat from my back and chest.
“......”
The more I thought about it, the more my frustration grew. Specifically, my frustration toward Sajou Wataru.
It was a tangled mess of emotions. When I unraveled them one by one, dissatisfaction, awkwardness, and regret made up the bulk of it.
The main source of my dissatisfaction was the fact that my questions about him remained unresolved. There were so many things I was unable to confront him about on a daily basis. Part of that was to avoid breaking the dynamic between the three of us, including Kei Ashida. I had been able to swallow that much after convincing myself it was for the best.
It was the other things. Those were what made the dissatisfaction swell.
How did he get to know that Shinomiya Rin?
Why is he so friendly with that Shinomiya Rin?
Where exactly had he been working part-time?
What had caused him to get so close to Mina Ichinose in our class?
Why is she so attached to him?
Has he met that mature middle school girl since that time?
Just how close is he with his older sister?
Does he call girls by their first names just because they went to the same middle school?
Aren’t there a few too many girls he’s friendly with?
(Wai—Wait a minute......)
As I organized my questions and listed them in my head, I felt myself grow flustered. Looking at it like this, it felt like he had quite a few relationships with the opposite sex. I supposed that was why I couldn't bring myself to ask him casually. I felt a flush of embarrassment at myself for even being concerned about it.
Still, if yesterday hadn't happened—if I had remained unaware—I might have been able to ask him eventually. Even though I would be facing him soon, the peak of awkwardness that had been diluted by sleep felt like it was flaring up all over again.
“—Ah! Speaking of the devil!”
“?”
I heard a voice and looked up. I saw my best friend Kei waving her hand energetically in front of the school entrance. She must have just finished morning practice; I felt a little overwhelmed by her high spirits, which were a far cry from my own morning mood.
“Mornin’, Aichi! Can I hug you!?”
“Good morning, Kei. It’s hot, so don’t.”
She hopped up and down in front of me, looking like she might pounce at any second. I held my hands out to keep her at bay. In this heat, I had no desire for close contact with a warm body after just finally reaching the school.
I gave a wry smile as she pouted in disappointment.
“Good morning, Natsukawa.”
“Good mor—ah......”
A casual greeting. A morning ritual. I instinctively looked toward the voice to respond. My breath hitched when I saw the person standing behind Kei.
(—Wataru......)
He had the same wry smile as me. Was his slightly troubled expression only because of Kei’s energy? There was no way; there was no way he wasn't feeling awkward after yesterday. He was just pretending it was a normal morning. Probably, just like he always did——.
(Ah......)
Just raising a hand and saying good morning. It was something even a mere classmate could do. And yet, I couldn't return the gesture to Wataru, who was looking straight at me. All I could manage was a stiff nod while my lips twitched. This was no good; I was being far too unnatural.
“......? Did something happen between you two?”
“......!”
“Eh? N-No? Nothing?”
Kei, who had been pouting, seemed to sense the atmosphere and looked back and forth between Wataru and me. My heart felt like it was about to leap out of my chest, but Wataru immediately covered for me. It wasn't exactly a natural response, but I swallowed my own words, thinking it was better than me saying anything.
“It’s hot, let’s just get to class.”
“I’m already used to the heat~”
“That’s insane.”
“It’s not insane!”
“......”
Wataru immediately changed the subject. I understood his intention. Had I ever been able to read his movements this clearly before? Had he been covering things up like this in the past, too? When I invited him to my house. When we were alone in the central courtyard. And then, when we walked home together.
Had I ever, even once, truly understood his real feelings?
“Sajocchi, you were running in the evenings until a while ago, right? The hot season is the perfect time for it, so you should just start again. You’ll get used to it!”
“No, I won't. What kind of ‘perfect time’ is that? Besides, back then I was running with a specific purpose—......huh?”
“Heeh......? Something fell out of Sajocchi’s—wha!?”
“Eh—”
While I was lost in thought, I went to change my shoes, but my body froze as I saw something fall into my peripheral vision. It took less than a second, but I was able to clearly read the few words written there.
“To Sajou-kun,” written on a single white envelope in what was unmistakably a girl’s handwriting. The edges were decorated with a delicate ribbon pattern.
(Wataru... a love letter...? Wataru is......——)
The dream I’d had that morning felt like it was finally clicking into place.