"......Something is definitely wrong."
"......Yeah."
A male classmate muttered the words under his breath. There was no need to ask what he meant.
The classroom was quiet after school, save for the rhythmic scratching of pens. Although no clubs were meeting here, the silence was heavy. Beside everyone—especially the third-year seniors—lay an absurd mountain of paperwork. The work for the Cultural Festival Executive Committee, which had been ongoing since summer vacation, was finally starting to spiral out of control.
What felt truly off, however, was the seniors' attitude. When we first started, they had acted completely composed, as if telling us to leave everything to them. Now, they were bowing their heads and apologetically handing off blank documents to their juniors.
The first-years, myself included, could only look on in bewilderment. If it were just that, it might have been manageable, but I could feel the second-years growing increasingly distrustful of the third-years. The worsening atmosphere only made the rest of us first-years more fed up with the whole situation.
"───Sorry, let's call it a day."
The signal for the final school departure time echoed through the halls. Like it or not, we had to stop. Everyone packed their bags in a hurry and disbanded.
"Um, Sasaki-kun..."
"Well, I figured this would help lighten the load a bit. Don't worry about it, Natsukawa."
"I see..."
He gave me a brave smile as he tucked the documents into his school bag. Taking work home wasn't exactly allowed, but given the circumstances, I couldn't help but admire his initiative. Since I wasn't in a position to take responsibility for the documents myself, I decided to back down and follow the seniors' lead.
"Sorry, I'm heading out. See you tomorrow."
"Oh, right. See you."
He glanced at his phone with a bitter expression and rushed out of the room. I often heard him complain about his younger sister; I assumed she was pestering him again. Thinking about how attached she was to him, I felt a flicker of envy, imagining myself in his shoes.
(I don't know...)
That feeling of being busy, of having no room to breathe—it was a familiar, nostalgic sensation. But compared to the past, I felt a sense of fulfillment now. My surroundings were different than they used to be. Within my long-standing daily routine, I now had a brief moment of genuine enjoyment. For the sake of that moment, I could turn even this exhaustion into energy.
And today, there was a little something extra.
"...Ah..."
"Hm?"
When I reached the school entrance, I saw someone I hadn't expected. Sajou Wataru. Why was he, a member of the Going-home Club, still here? The question crossed my mind, but I didn't voice it—as if the reason didn't really matter. The important thing was that he was here. I felt a surge of impatience, as if I shouldn't waste a single second of this time.
Our conversation began from its usual, slightly off-kilter starting point. It was the beginning of that effortless time we spent together. I didn't even remember changing my shoes. Before I knew it, we were walking side by side, our shadows stretching out across the sidewalk.
The conversation flowed. Occasionally, my tongue would trip. Even if there were moments when I couldn't find the right words, the time we spent together in person felt so much denser than our exchanges over a smartphone app.
Had things ever been like this before? I realized I was being greedy. There had been days when I was so preoccupied with my own life that I couldn't even move. After that, I had come to appreciate the things I'd gained since entering high school. But as my life became more fulfilling, a new feeling welled up inside me—a sense that it still wasn't enough.
I wanted to go deeper... into the depths───.
"Y-y-y-you...! I heard you followed Natsukawa-san to Kouetsu, but did you finally manage to date her!?"
"Wha—!?"
My thoughts screeched to a halt, as if I'd been slapped.
(Wait—)
"Hey! Cut it out, Haru!"
A shout I wasn't used to hearing. I was simply stunned.
The daily life I had finally secured, and my cute younger sister's smile—I had spent every day clinging to those things, desperate not to lose them. It seemed I had been frantic to ensure I didn't let go of this "now."
Deep in the back of my mind, there was something I had tried to discard. I told myself my life was fulfilling now, so it was okay to pretend that other thing had never happened. I tried to act as if it were all fine.
"We're already done with that sort of thing."
"Ah—"
"That sort of thing." I understood exactly what he meant.
What is love? What does it mean to "date"? Even if someone told me, I wouldn't understand. No, it wasn't that—it was that I didn't have time for such things. I had other responsibilities. You're persistent, stop it, you're a nuisance───there were days when I had brushed him off exactly like that. Truly, to the me of that time, his feelings had been nothing but noise.
Back when my expectations for high school were still growing, he had suddenly apologized and said words I didn't fully grasp. I hadn't taken it that seriously at the time. I was just afraid of losing what I had. I felt that the peace I had finally found would be ruined.
Before I realized it, something had ended.
As I stood there frozen, my memories flashed before my eyes like a reel of film. Until just a moment ago, I had felt a sense of familiarity in his every gesture, yet I remembered the days when I had treated him like a nuisance, brushing him off like an insect. I had never seen him look hurt. Even so, the memory made my chest tighten with a piercing pain.
"Friends. We're just normal friends. Our relationship isn't anything more than that anymore."
(───)
I couldn't move. I felt hot and cold all at once. This nausea—it was the same sensation I felt at night when I lay alone in bed staring at the ceiling, so anxious about the future that I couldn't sleep.
The two of them were talking in front of me. Their shadows on the pavement were vividly sharp in the evening sun. Their voices grew distant, as if I were staring blankly at a still landscape painting.
Suddenly, a face turned toward me.
"──Um, sorry, Natsukawa. An old acquaintance was being way too nosy..."
I jumped, my shoulders twitching in surprise. I looked up at him timidly, terrified he would find me strange. The high-energy girl was gone, and he was giving me a somewhat awkward, wry smile.
(Eh... what...?)
The Sajou Wataru from just a moment ago was back. The boy who had been right beside me, adding color to my gray after-school hours. He spoke to me in a tone that suggested that time was still continuing. For a second, I could almost believe there hadn't been any tension at all.
Reality came rushing back. I felt the ground beneath my feet again. I tried to organize my thoughts while giving a shaky reply, but when I looked ahead, a familiar fork in the road was waiting for us.
"Well, I'm heading this way... see you tomorrow."
"Ah──W-Wataru!"
I called out reflexively and grabbed his arm. I just wanted him to wait. I needed time to sort through my head—time to get my bearings. At the very least, I needed a moment to digest what had just happened.
That's right, I wouldn't let this just be erased. Something I couldn't ignore had just happened right in front of me. He might not have meant anything by it, but I couldn't let him just walk away like this.
He had stated something I never expected. I hadn't even imagined things had turned out this way. The story had moved forward without my knowledge.
Reality accelerated again. At the same time, I remembered exactly what I had been to the Sajou Wataru standing before me.
"U-um, you know... are you still—"
Still—what was I about to ask?
Was I trying to "reconfirm" his feelings? The very feelings that he might have never taken lightly—was I, the person who had rejected them, really going to do that?
(──Since when?)
Since when──since when had I forgotten? We were in that kind of relationship. If I thought about it for even a second, I should have known we weren't in a position to speak so casually. Now that I was in high school and had more room in my life, now that I wasn't completely focused on myself, I should have been paying closer attention.
(That's right──Wataru changed.)
There had been a moment when his behavior became strange. Back then, I hadn't settled into the class yet, and while I was brushing him off as usual, I think I was only focused on how to get along better with everyone else.
I still remembered him saying something different than usual. But I had assumed he would just appear before me again the next day, so I hadn't given it much thought.
Natsukawa──
Eh──
I remembered being surprised when he started calling me by my surname. Even so, when we saw each other, he had naturally given me that usual breezy smile──if anything, the distance between us felt just right. Although I was a bit confused, there were no problems. I had simply been grateful that he was "there" as a matter of course.
(Could it be──was it only me............?)
Was I the only one who hadn't been thinking at all?
Because we were in the same "group," because he was someone I naturally talked to at school, I probably just assumed he would never disappear, no matter how much I pushed him away. I thought I didn't have to worry. I thought I didn't have to think.
Was I the only one who didn't realize how much things had changed?
"...Hm? What's up?"
"Ah, um......... t-that... that Haru-san from earlier........."
".........What about her?"
"Ah, um........."
A relationship where affection was expressed, received, rejected, and denied. Perhaps because it happened so often, I hadn't been conscious of it, but it was the kind of history that usually made things awkward. It was the kind of thing that, normally, would make it impossible to stay friends.
A relationship that, normally, should have ended.
(Was Wataru──thinking about that the whole time...?)
Of course he was. It was because he had shared his feelings and I had rejected them. He had no choice but to figure out how to move on. He had simply repeated the process until he reached this point. He had done what had to be done eventually.
And even though he must have put it clearly into words, I was the only one pretending it hadn't happened.
"──Sorry... it's nothing........."
Could it be that he was only acting like my friend? When we talked on our phones at night, or when he gave me that breezy smile just now—if all of it was just consideration... if it was all an act.
(I-I have to──)
I can't break this. I can't let it fall apart. This is the balance he has worked so hard to maintain. I can't just pretend I didn't notice when I've been the one benefiting from his kindness all this time.
"──You look pretty tired, so let's leave it at that. Standing around talking is just going to wear you out, right?"
"………Eh?"
"Go on, don't you need to go see Airi-chan soon?"
"Ah, yeah........."
"I'll tell Haru she needs to learn some tact. Well, see you tomorrow."
I only had a few seconds to process it before he turned his back. My hand, which had slipped away from his arm, remained suspended in the air. I lowered it quickly, terrified he would turn around and see me.
He didn't look back.