My mind went completely blank.
Hatsukade-kun and Sakura were staring at me.
"Ugh... Uuu..."
A sharp sting hit the back of my nose, and tears began spilling uncontrollably down my cheeks.
This was a love that was never supposed to be exposed.
I had fully intended to keep these feelings locked away inside my chest forever.
Even if it was just as a friend, I only wanted to stay by his side for even a single second longer.
I was terrified to look up.
Feeling sweat trickling heavily down the nape of my neck, I peered up at Hatsukade-kun.
He always wore a sullen scowl in the classroom, but whenever it was just the two of us, he would show the faintest, gentlest smile.
Yet the look on his face right now was one I had never seen before.
His eyes were wide without blinking, his brows furrowed in pure distress.
Even when the entire class had made a mockery of him, he hadn't flinched—yet now he was visibly bewildered.
Just how many times was I going to torment him before I was satisfied?
"...Nakina."
"Don't touch me!"
I slapped away Sakura's reaching hand.
I had never screamed so loudly in my entire life.
Ah... after spending two whole months by Sakura's side, to think the very first time I voiced my true feelings would be like this... I was completely pathetic.
"I'm sorry, Nakina."
"Stop it!"
I didn't want to hear another word.
I couldn't even make sense of my own emotions anymore.
The sheer mortification of having my crush exposed, tangled with the crushing guilt of ever falling for him in the first place, left me a broken mess.
"Amanatsu, calm down. Take a deep breath."
It was only when Hatsukade-kun spoke that I realized I was hyperventilating.
A raspy, ragged wheeze was catching in my throat.
Even in a situation like this, why was he still being so kind to me?
If he would just coldly shoot me down instead, maybe I could finally give up on him.
Like a coiled spring snapping, I turned and sprinted blindly toward the stairs.
I could hear the two of them calling after me, but I bolted straight for the classroom without looking back.
I threw the sliding door open with a crash and scooped up the school bag sitting at my desk.
The stunned stares of my classmates pierced right through me.
Pretending not to see a single thing, I dug the toes of my indoor shoes into the floor and pushed off hard.
Right before crossing the threshold out of the room, my body seized up for a fraction of a second.
I had a sinking feeling that if I crossed this line, there would be no turning back.
Shoving that dread into the darkest corner of my mind, I fled straight home.
◇
The next day, I skipped school by faking sick.
Maybe my mom believed me, because she didn't pry at all.
"Haaah... maybe I should play a game for the first time in a while."
I couldn't bring myself to watch the makeup tutorials from beauty YouTubers that I used to check religiously every single day.
When I tried to think of a game to distract myself, I suddenly remembered.
"...Right, I threw my controller away."
I had completely forgotten that I bade farewell to my trusty partner on the day I decided to go all-in on my high school debut.
With no other choice, I figured a mobile game would have to do.
Action shooters always got my old competitive gamer blood pumping to the point where I lost all sense of when to stop, so this was probably for the best.
Lying in bed while idly tapping away at a digital card game on my phone felt unbelievably comfortable.
I didn't have to walk on eggshells around my friends or suffer from stress-induced stomachaches in the classroom.
"...This is heaven."
I needed to stay positive.
I had just been pushing myself way too hard until now.
Taking a single day off to rest like this was far more important anyway.
"I can just start going back to school tomorrow."
This wasn't an excuse.
It was more like a little reward for myself.
Tomorrow. I still had tomorrow.
And then, the following morning.
After putting on a full face of makeup and slipping into my uniform, I stood in the entryway ready to head out, only for an overwhelming wave of exhaustion to crash over my entire body. My legs turned to lead, refusing to step forward.
Even though I had fully intended to go to school until that very second, all my willpower instantly shriveled up.
In the end, I stayed home that day too.
My mom let it slide, saying it couldn't be helped since I had just been sick.
However, after I repeated the exact same routine the next day, and the day after that, an unmistakable scowl formed on her face.
"I'm staying home today too."
"...When do you think you'll be able to go back?"
"I don't know."
"Listen here... You worked so hard to finally be able to attend high school, and now you're going to end up just like you were in middle school again."
She didn't have to put it like that.
I mean, my stomach really did hurt.
It might have started out as a fake excuse, but now, every time I put on that uniform, a sharp, twisting knot tightened deep in my gut.
Averting my eyes from my mom's anxious gaze, I locked myself away in my second-floor bedroom.
Diving onto my bed, I glued my eyes to my phone.
Tapping the screen as if hammering all my stress into the glass, I demolished opponent after opponent.
Before I realized it, my rating had climbed all the way to Platinum rank, and a screen-time notification popped up: Your average usage on this device increased by 10 hours compared to last week.
Rolling onto my back, I let the phone drop onto the mattress.
"Don't tell me... am I in serious trouble?"
In my head, I kept telling myself that I would go tomorrow.
If not tomorrow, then next week; at the absolute worst, by next month.
Yet I understood all too painfully that time wasn't going to give me the push I needed.
In fact, the longer I spent as a shut-in, the deeper my feet would sink into the mud until I was hopelessly trapped.
Lacking the courage, I hadn't opened a single message from anyone.
If I showed up at school now, they would grill me relentlessly about why I'd been absent.
I didn't feel confident that I could explain it well, and if my cover-up slipped, they might realize I used to be a gloomy loser.
Or worse, maybe they were already whispering about that very thing in class right now.
As those paranoid delusions spiraled, my thoughts took a darker and darker turn, until I finally pulled the duvet completely over my head.
"...I should just sleep."
I'd just forget everything. Someday, everything was bound to work out.
◇
The chime of the front doorbell jolted me awake.
Outside, dusk had already fallen.
Wondering who it could be, I checked the intercom monitor in the living room, and my heart nearly stopped.
Sakura was standing there all by herself.
Why? How?
My throat instantly went bone-dry.
Pouting her cheeks, she leaned in close to the camera and mashed the doorbell over and over.
"Heeey, Nakina! Aren't you theeeere?"
Terrified, I scrambled back to my room and peeked through a crack in the curtains.
I caught sight of Sakura's back as she tilted her head in confusion before turning to leave.
That scared the life out of me...
I never imagined Sakura would come all the way to my house.
For someone who seemed to live purely on vibes, it was shocking that she would go out of her way to visit a girl who had stopped showing up to school. Was it just some passing whim?
However, it didn't end with that one day.
Every evening, Sakura came by to ring the bell.
Even though our homes were in completely opposite directions from the nearest train station, she came by every single day, persistently chiming the intercom over and over.
I didn't want her to realize I was home and ignoring her.
So whenever that time of day rolled around, I tightly drew the curtains in my room, killed the lights, and hid under my blanket.
Only after secretly watching Sakura leave would I finally feel like I could breathe again.
Just how long did she plan on keeping this up?
If she showed up over the weekend, my mom and dad would be home.
I wouldn't be able to hide.
(...What am I going to do?)
Then came Friday afternoon.
I was trembling, terrified of tomorrow's arrival.
Under an unbearable amount of stress, I had ordered a gaming controller online the night before.
I didn't want to go to school anymore.
I just wanted to waste time in my room without anyone bothering me.
The doorbell rang.
Like a drowning swimmer breaking the surface for oxygen, I sprinted to the front door.
At this hour, high school was still right in the middle of classes.
It had to be a delivery driver.
"...Coming!"
"...Yo, Amanatsu."
Standing on the other side of the door was Hatsukade-kun, wearing his usual deadpan scowl.
◇
A traffic jam of questions flooded my mind, threatening to fry my brain.
As I stood there completely paralyzed by panic, Hatsukade-kun muttered without making eye contact,
"Can I come in?"
"...Uh, yeah."
There was no way that was okay, yet I nodded anyway.
Just then, Hulk, our German Shepherd, came ambling out from the back of the living room, wagging his tail at Hatsukade-kun.
"..."
"Are you bad with dogs?"
"No, I like dogs. I'm just scared of getting bitten."
"It's fine. Hulk is a retired police dog, so he's very well-trained."
"I see."
When he held out a hand, Hulk happily gave it a lick.
Hatsukade-kun's cheeks softened ever so slightly.
Finding myself staring at his profile, I gasped and hurriedly spoke up.
"Th-the living room is this way."
I briskly led him into the living room, quickly scanning to make sure it wasn't messy before inviting him to sit.
Taking a chair, he began petting Hulk, who had rolled over at his feet to show his belly.
As I poured barley tea, my hands shook so violently that the tea sloshed over the rim of the glass.
The one person I least wanted to see was sitting right inside my house.
Even though Hatsukade-kun already knew how I felt about him.
A suffocating wave of heat crawled up from the pit of my stomach.
"...It's not much, but here."
"It's hot today, so this really helps. Thanks."
The sound of his Adam's apple bobbing echoed through the quiet room as he tilted the glass back.
Feeling the unbearable tension hanging in the air, I perched nervously on the edge of the opposite seat.
"...How did you know where I lived?"
"I asked Hiiragi to tell me. I know it wasn't right to pry into your personal info like that, and I'm sorry."
"I don't mind that, but... um, what about school, Hatsukade-kun?"
"I was secretly aiming for a perfect attendance award, but I ended up skipping."
"W-Why?"
A faint smirk parted his lips, showing a flash of white teeth.
"Hiiragi said that whenever she went to your house, you were always out. That idiot... anyone could tell you were just pretending not to be home."
"Ugh."
"I figured if I came after school you'd just ignore me, and coming at night meant a high chance of running into your parents, which sounded like a pain. So I gambled that if I boldly showed up in the middle of the day, you'd let your guard down and open the door."
"...That's awful. Don't lay out your criminal master plan right in front of the victim."
Besides, he had hit the bullseye so accurately that I couldn't even talk back.
Even at a time like this, Hatsukade-kun was still his usual self.
Fumbling over my words, I hesitated to ask, but knowing I couldn't avoid it forever, I finally let the words out.
"So... what did you come here for?"
"Hm? I wanted you to return my handkerchief."
"..."
Without so much as twitching an eyebrow, Hatsukade-kun kept his face as blank and unreadable as a Noh mask.
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I am."
"Just to get a handkerchief back, you bowed your head to Sakura—who you just had a fight with the other day—got my address out of her, and skipped school?"
"That barely counts as a fight. She was just barking on her own."
"Don't change the subject...! That can't possibly be the real reason."
"I'm not lying, though."
I knew it... That was just the kind of person Hatsukade-kun was.
I didn't know if he realized it himself, but beneath his aloof facade, he was overflowing with an awkward sort of kindness. Just how many times had that very kindness saved me?
"I'm in love with you, Hatsukade-kun."
"..."
"After doing something as horrible as a fake confession, I went and fell in love with you on my own like some nuisance of a girl."
"..."
"And on top of that, I've caused you so much trouble ever since. Even though I knew it was wrong, I was too scared of getting ostracized by everyone to refuse the punishment game. Because of that, the entire class looked down on you and talked behind your back... I'm the one who started all of it."
"I don't care about any of that."
"Please stop being nice to me! You have every reason to hate me!"
Please, don't make me fall for you any more than this.
To someone like me, who had no right to love him, his thoughtfulness was nothing short of pure poison. Even though I had been trying so desperately to forget him, having more fuel tossed onto the fire made my heart pound wildly all over again. Crushed under the weight of my feelings and guilt, I could barely breathe.
"If it's about the fake confession, I'm not angry anymore. Something like that isn't enough to hurt me."
"That's a lie. You're just acting tough..."
"I mean it literally. To be honest, I've actually had someone pull a fake confession on me once before in the past."
"...Huh?"
"And unlike yours, Amanatsu, it wasn't some half-hearted thing. It was dead serious."
With that, Hatsukade-kun drained the rest of his barley tea in one gulp.
Then, letting out an unmotivated, heavy sigh, he began to speak quietly.
"It was back in middle school. The girl was a childhood friend and classmate of mine..."
"Wait, is it really okay for me to hear this?"
"You're not going to accept anything I say unless I tell you, right?"
When I interrupted, Hatsukade-kun narrowed his eyes in mild annoyance and waved his hand, telling me to just listen.
"I had feelings for her. We'd been together since we were little kids and got along great. Even though we never put it into words, I always thought we'd eventually start dating. I believed she felt the same way. Then one day, she asked me to meet her on the rooftop after school. I thought, Ah, so today's the day, and got my hopes up like an idiot. I still remember sitting through class, thinking about nothing except wishing the bell would ring."
Hatsukade-kun continued in a casual tone.
"And so, there she was, waiting on the rooftop. Just as I expected, she confessed. Told me she'd always loved me and asked me to go out with her. Naturally, I said yes. And right then, a whole crowd of people came pouring out onto the roof."
As if recalling the scene, he let out a dry chuckle.
"Turns out it was all a prank. Apparently, she lost a punishment game and was forced to confess to me. The video of that moment got circulated all over social media to our classmates. They said watching my face turn bright red and look so overjoyed in the video was hilarious."
"...That's horrible."
"Even that childhood friend was laughing. I couldn't believe someone who had known me longer than any of our classmates could do something like that to me."
Then, Hatsukade-kun locked his gaze onto me, his expression turning dead serious.
"Compared to that, your fake confession was basically child's play. I mean, you were bawling your eyes out so hard it barely even worked as a confession."
When I silently nodded, Hatsukade-kun furrowed his brows in confusion.
"...Hey, why are you crying again?"
"...Uuu."
Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.
No matter how many times I wiped them away, hot tears kept spilling over.
"Because... you're just so pitiful, Hatsukade-kun."
If the person I loved—a childhood friend, no less—did something like that to me, I wouldn't be able to go on living. And in front of all our classmates, too.
And yet, I had gone and done the exact same thing to him, despite the deep trauma he carried from fake confessions.
It made me realize once again just how awful a person I really was.
Grimacing, Hatsukade-kun vigorously scratched his head.
"Oi, were you even listening to me? The whole point of the story was that because of what happened back then, I don't care about what you did! How did you twist that into feeling sorry for me?!"
"...Ugh... uuu... B-But because of that, you couldn't trust people anymore, so you closed off your heart and chose a life of solitude, didn't you?"
"Don't go planning out my life on the assumption that I'm gonna die alone! What is wrong with all of you?! Even I'd like to experience romance at least once someday, you know."
"Eeeh?!"
A completely ridiculous squeak flew from my tear-choked throat.
Hatsukade-kun slipped back into his usual sullen expression, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair.
"Well, it's true that middle school incident made me completely fed up with the people around me. But everyone makes mistakes when they're young, right? Even hopeless idiots settle down like magic once they become adults."
"...Y-Yeah."
"Once the people around me reach that point, maybe I'll fall in love with someone, or maybe I'll make friends I actually get along with. It's just a waste of time expecting that kind of maturity from high schoolers, which is why I stay a loner."
"Um, Hatsukade-kun, you're technically a high schooler too, you know?"
"Don't lump me in with those idiots."
"That makes no sense whatsoever!"
Because Hatsukade-kun's rationalization was so utterly absurd, my tears completely dried up.
"Besides, don't pity me. I settled the score properly for that past grudge."
"Out of curiosity... what happened to your childhood friend?"
"Hm? I snitched on her to the teachers and her parents, backing her into a corner. I even put on a show of going to a psychiatrist to play up just how deeply traumatized I was."
"...That's dark."
"In the end, her whole family moved away and she transferred schools."
"Hearing that I could have ended up the exact same way makes me want to throw up."
Though I meant it quite seriously, Hatsukade-kun took it as a joke and let out a chuckle.
"Well, whatever. That's how it is. If you don't come to school, Amanatsu, I can't get my revenge on you, can I? So, I'll be waiting for you on Monday."
There he went, being kind again.
Even though hearing today's story made me feel even less worthy of ever being with him.
Even when I tried to give up, Hatsukade-kun managed to pierce right through my heart, over and over again.
"I'm heading out soon. You can just give me back the handkerchief at school."
After patting Hulk the German Shepherd, he slipped on his shoes at the entryway and walked away without looking back even once.
Just as I was about to close the front door, I spotted a cardboard box that had been left on the porch.
Carrying it back to my room, I shoved it into my closet without even opening it.
Picking up the phone lying on my bed, I tapped on the mountain of unread messages I had been ignoring.
My chest burned so intensely it almost hurt.