Latania, which had been exploring the underground facilities, contacted us.
They wanted us to dispatch Berger-san and his archaeological team specializing in the Ancient People. It made sense; Berger-san and the others didn't personally live through the era when the Zen Divine Race was rampant. They had already asked for permission to investigate. Furthermore, the Galactic Empire’s archaeological team had been pestering me—honestly, they were getting on my nerves. At least one troublesome matter was finally settled.
I gave them the go-ahead. Wifey assigned the Space Raiders as escorts, while I asked the Ninja Corps from Repsitol to handle protection. Since the Latarnians were already on-site, it wasn't strictly necessary for us to go personally. Wifey suggested, "It would be wise to have at least one Jester there," so she dispatched Leonidas-kun as the field commander.
"I can't handle a major's workload!" Leonidas-kun protested.
Well, he wasn't wrong. He hadn't even finished his executive training yet. I looked around for a substitute, and my eyes met Saijo-kun’s. Wifey smiled too.
"Saijou, I’m counting on you."
"By your command."
Saijo-kun accepted, though his face was twisted in pure, unadulterated displeasure. He clearly wasn't convinced. Given that he spent his time in the Imperial Guard Knight Order cross-dressing, he had a remarkably strong will.
"Saijou, you are the future Commander of the Personal Guard Knight Order. You should gain some experience in international cooperation. I have high expectations for you," Wifey said.
"Your words are more than I deserve; I am most grateful," he replied with a bow.
I decided to offer him a little bribe.
"Ah, that reminds me, Saijo-kun. Some new products from Kamishiro Cosmetics just arrived. Would you be willing to model for them?" I flashed a smile.
It was a high-end cosmetics set. Saijo-kun was already a famous model in these parts. Everyone knew he was a guy, but no one really cared anymore. This made him grin.
"Well, I suppose I have no choice then~♪"
I’d stopped worrying about it. As long as he was happy, it didn't matter. He’d even married Yuri-chan, after all. As Saijo-kun headed off for his mission, we both let out a sigh of relief.
"He won't budge unless he's satisfied with the reasoning," Wifey noted.
"That’s the one trait he has that isn't suited for a soldier," I added.
The members of our Officer Academy Group were all eccentrics. Regardless of gender, they were all highly capable but prone to openly defying orders. I was probably the reason for that. When the person at the top was a piece of Free Material who never got angry, people tended to push boundaries. They all had the confidence and pride of career soldiers. Honestly, Wifey was a monster for being able to manage all those problem children.
Now, as for me... here was the real problem.
"Alright, time for some post-meal exercise. Lepsitol Ninja Art: 'The Stroller in the Attic'!"
I announced my move and slipped into the ventilation duct, completely masking my presence. I crawled forward. Below, I could sense Katori-sensei.
"Empress! Where is Leo?"
"He escaped through the vents," Wifey replied.
"Hmm."
I heard the sound of something long being swung around aggressively. I needed to move fast. I am the air. I am merely the atmosphere, flowing where it will.
"Right there!"
Suddenly, a spearhead poked through the duct, missing me by a hair. Perfect! He doesn't know my exact location! Victory is mine! I slid forward soundlessly. I was practically a ghost, more subtle than a wild animal. Total victory was within reach. Hehehe. Hahahaha! Don't think I haven't improved!
I found an exit hatch and prepared to drop down. I slid through... wait.
A rope coiled around my body. A lasso?!
"Fuhahaha! You fool! I used my spear to drive you right into my trap!"
Katori-sensei was waiting for me. I’d been dancing in the palm of his hand the entire time. A complete failure. Ninja Kawagon had been defeated.
"G-Guu!"
"Hey, Leo. I heard you put on some weight as a reaction to the snack ban," Katori-sensei said.
"H-How did you know?!" Kevin was a doctor; she was supposed to have doctor-patient confidentiality.
"Lady Luna told me."
"The traitor was Fairy-san!" I wailed. "Fuen! Fairy-san, you traitor!"
"Now then, we’re going to train until you’ve leaned out," Katori-sensei declared.
"I think I’ll pass, de gowasu. Sessha is entering a Lepsitol Sumo tournament."
"Oh, so you want to focus on unarmed combat? Fine, fine. Come to think of it, I haven't taught you the Ancient Style Jujutsu yet."
"Goddammit!"
It was a disaster. I was being forced to practice the fundamentals of an Ancient Style of jujutsu—a set of traditional martial arts that had been an endangered species in the Galactic Empire for ages.
"I’ve been watching that thing you do every day. I was curious, so I figured I should teach you properly," Katori-sensei said.
I was the one who had brought this on myself by practicing my own weird routines! I began striking a log repeatedly with a thick branch. The goal was to avoid using brute force, instead using my entire body like a spring to concentrate the downward vector.
"There."
Once I got the hang of it, I kept going until it became second nature—a movement so natural it required zero thought. Don't use strength; just don't be tense. Don't fight the weapon. That was it. Repeating this would build muscle naturally. Eventually, I’d be able to cut through an enemy’s sword while in a state of complete Relaxation. I wasn't there yet, though.
As I repeated the motion, the kickback from the strikes faded away. Then, the log snapped clean in half.
"Wouldn't my usual wooden sword be better?" I asked. It was heavier, after all.
"...Yeah. It was my mistake to think of you as a human. It's all my fault."
He handed me my usual Super-compression Wooden Sword. Then, he made me carry a Zork-processed H-beam intended for a battleship. He had me set it across two rocks.
"Alright, do it."
"Come on, that’s impossible. If I can cut this, I’ll have the same combat power as a Humanoid Fighter. No thanks."
Even if "Humanoid Fighter" was an exaggeration, it was easily equivalent to a heavy-duty power suit. I exhaled, and for a moment, I thought I saw something.
"Sei!"
With a shout of spirit—well, really just Space Kaiju Kawagon swinging a wooden sword in a fit of pique—I struck. I expected a deafening clang to echo. But there wasn't even a sound. Before I knew it, the H-beam simply lost its balance and fell.
"Whoa, watch it! It bounced!"
Katori-sensei, however, was acting strange. He was clenching his fists, his whole body trembling.
"No way... you bastard... you actually cut it..."
"What? Cut? Oh... it really is in two pieces."
I guess with a sword this heavy, a sharp edge didn't even matter. As long as the tip was somewhat narrow, it would shear right through.
"Listen, Leo... from today on, call yourself the Soke of the Kamishiro-style. I’ll allow it. I’ll negotiate with the other schools and write you whatever licenses you need."
"What are you talking about? It was a fluke."
"Shut up! You’ve reached the pinnacle!"
Even if he said that, it wasn't like anyone would want to learn from me. A Soke for a single generation was just a fancy name for a one-man shop. I didn't need it.
...Wait.
"H-Hoh... so that means I don't need to diet anymore?"
"No, that part is still mandatory."
Life was truly bitter. Sessha just wants to eat food and never move again, de gozar.