Around the time when I was so hungry I couldn't even sleep at night, House Isono fell into a crisis.
It was the Sango-chan naming incident.
Apparently, Hanako-san’s family home is located in a tropical region where the sea is filled with sprawling coral reefs.
This led to a sudden realization for some: "Wait, isn't coral basically a relative of the sea anemone!?"
It was a tragedy born of having just enough knowledge to be dangerous.
The regional army of Lady Hanazawa's family home was primarily composed of hardened men of the sea. Consequently, the relatives lower in the family hierarchy took the lead and exploded in rage.
"How dare you treat our princess like a sea anemone!" they roared.
Protesters swarmed House Hanazawa, and the local police had to be deployed. At this point, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with it. It had moved past the territory of "What a bunch of idiots" and reached the level where I was thinking, I hope these guys get mouth ulcers.
Not to be outdone, House Isono had its own issues.
"What's so wrong with a traditional name derived from the sea?!" their own lower-tier relatives screamed back.
They brought out heavy machinery and started their own demonstration. For the record, Lady Hanazawa herself had said she was fine with anything as long as it wasn't "Sango." She just wanted them to stop with the sea anemone comparisons. Besides, coral is a colonial organism. In other words, its ecology was a bit too similar to the Corpse Eaters, so she really wanted them to drop it.
Well, that was fair enough. Sango-chan... I thought it sounded cute, though.
The conflict dragged on and on. Even though the couple themselves were on good terms, their moronic relatives were rioting to the point where things were nearly beyond saving. That was when Wifey intervened.
"Name her Hanezu," she declared.
It was the color of precious coral. She said she had considered names like Toki or Shinonome as well, but settled on this one.
"Wifey... how did you even know a name like that?" I asked.
"It is from the Manyoshu."
"I have memories of that completely bypassing my brain back in elementary school..."
It was the kind of thing they forced you to memorize. I couldn't recall a single bit of it. Not even a millimeter. And yet, for some reason, I could still recite the opening of The Tale of the Heike. Come to think of it, I couldn't remember the plot of The Tale of Genji either. Didn't it involve setting sail for Nyogogashima with a bunch of friends?
"Lord Groom... you read Sun Tzu, Lanchester, and Corbett, and yet you know nothing of the Manyoshu?"
"That’s because we barely touched the liberal arts at the Officer Academy!"
I had my hands full just reading technical manuals and light novels—plus my hobbyist gardening books. Books on soil microbes are especially engrossing; you really lose track of time reading those. Honestly, no matter what book or field of culture you dive into, some other specialist is just going to call you an idiot for it anyway.
Fine then! I’m an idiot boy!
And so, she became Hanezu-chan, named after a poem from the Manyoshu. If the families refused this, it would turn into a case of "Are you trying to defy the Emperor!?" In the worst-case scenario, the talks about her being a potential bride for Towa or Ark would have vanished too.
The idiots who had been making such a fuss went silent immediately. Following the success of Mio-chan from Amada's family, it was a total victory. Good, good.
Now then, as I spent those peaceful days, my mummy-man state finally ended. I tucked my afro wig away in my locker.
"If you screw up again, the next one’s a rainbow afro," Isono said. He had the nerve to act all high and mighty despite his own naming fiasco.
I got annoyed, so I hit him with a diagonal strike chop.
"Why, you!"
He hit back with a reverse horizontal chop.
"Shut up, you bastard!"
I countered with another reverse horizontal chop. A chop battle broke out right there in the palace.
"Hanako-san was terrifying, damn it!" he yelled, delivering a seriously heavy Mongolian chop.
Oh, you were going there? I dashed toward the wall, did a wall-kick, and flew back with a cross chop.
"I'm hungry, damn it!"
I pinned him for a three-count on the floor. Before I could celebrate, the Imperial Guard pulled us apart.
Isono and I were forced to sit in seiza in the hallway while Wifey lectured us.
"But... but... I'm hungry," I whimpered.
"Was it because 'the sun was too bright'?! You idiot!" she snapped, grinding her knuckles into my head.
I was being scolded via a reference to Camus's The Stranger. I actually read that one at the Officer Academy, so I remembered the plot. Getting in trouble like this was just too absurd. But... but... I was seriously not getting enough food!
"Let's stick to joint locks next time," Isono whispered.
"Isono... are you a genius?"
"I didn't mean it that way! You morons! Are you elementary schoolers?!"
I guess submission holds were a no-go too... even though silent headlocks and serious cobra twists were so much fun.
"Wifey... listen," I said solemnly. "No matter how old a boy gets, he never progresses even a millimeter past elementary school."
"I must ensure that at least Towa does not take after his father," she sighed.
Looking at Ren's children, I thought my genes were already too strong for that to be possible. They were already experts at making funny faces. I was pretty sure even Towa was going to grow up to be a magnificent space monster.
No... wait a second. My wives and my friends were all "funny men" who set up the jokes. Could it be that what the world was currently lacking was the "straight man" to call out the nonsense? Was the world perhaps crying out for a tsukkomi?!
"That look on your face! You are not reflecting at all!"
Wifey poked and prodded my cheeks.
"I am reflecting. I've become a father, after all."
"Your tone proves that is a lie!"
More poking and prodding. Then, my stomach growled loudly.
"I'm... hungry..."
"One snack per day," she said, speaking to me like I was a toddler.
"Understood. Making yakisoba."
When I tried to stand up, my legs were numb, and I tumbled over. I stumbled toward the dining hall in a daze. So hungry...
My mind was hazy as I started mass-producing yakisoba in the kitchen. The ingredients were nearing their expiration dates because I hadn't been allowed to use them. I might as well fry up everything that looked sketchy. Someone would eat it anyway.
"L-Leo, what's wrong!?" Kevin called out to me. My face wasn't just pale—it had turned white.
"Hungry."
"L-Lord Groom!"
Wifey and the others appeared. It seemed they had come to check on me because I was acting strange.
"Hungry... making yakisoba..."
"I-I'll make it! Just stay still!" Kevin shouted.
She guided me into a chair in the dining hall.
"The yakisoba sauce... is over there..."
"I know, I know!"
And then, right after the yakisoba was finished, I turned completely white and passed out.
Rumors later spread that I had nearly starved to death, but in reality, I had just collapsed from accumulated fatigue. And so, the Kawagon Hunger and Near-Starvation Incident came to a close.
Afterward, the ban on my cooking in the dining hall was lifted. In exchange, pro-wrestling in the hallways was strictly prohibited. Is this elementary school?
I now spend my days cooking. There was a mountain of ingredients nearing their expiration dates, bought in bulk on the assumption that I would be using them. I had to cook them... and I had to eat them.
They say I put on a little weight as a result. And there were certain "villains" smiling as they watched me.
Katori-sensei and Saria's Dad.
Don't look at me.
...Apparently, the extra weight was burned off in no time. Fine by me! I'll just keep cooking whatever I like!