A bad feeling struck me with a sharp ping.
I’d assigned the Lepsitol Ninja Squad to Leonidas-kun. Almost immediately, they’d clashed with the spies Public Security had assigned to him, resulting in a fistfight. It turned into a massive brawl that required the Chronos Royal Capital Police Riot Police to deploy.
The black-suited Galactic Empire Public Security Unit and the similarly black-suited Lepsitol Ninja Squad were currently grabbing each other by the collars.
"What’s that, you prick!?"
"Who are you calling a prick, prick!?"
By the time I arrived, they were engaged in an exchange that gave me total déjà vu. So, I started by whacking my own people with the squeaky hammer I’d brought!
I clocked the Lepsitol Ninja Squad first. Squeak! Right on the back of their heads.
"What the hell was—!? ...Oh, My Lord!"
I was a bit annoyed, so I gave them another squeak! right in the face.
"His Majesty the King of Chronos!"
The Public Security guys noticed me, so—squeak!
And for some reason, Big Sister-in-Law Uta was participating in the "you prick" exchange, so I gave her head a squeak! as well.
"Gwah! Who was—!? ...Oh, Little Brother-in-Law!"
I offered them the health sandals with a smile.
"Um... those have some rather nasty-looking protrusions... Ah, yes. I'll put them on."
I made them all wear the health sandals and gave them a lecture while they stood at ease. Big Sister-in-Law Uta’s face paled as the sandals dug into the pressure points for her internal organs, which were seriously damaged from alcohol and yakiniku. The Public Security old-timers also contorted their faces in agonizing pain.
You guys... seriously, look after your livers.
The only ones with composed faces were the Lepsitol Ninjas. That was because their staple diet consisted of rice, fish, and vegetables. They also practiced moderation with alcohol.
I asked a stupidly simple question. "Hey, why were you guys fighting?"
"Well, we thought they came to steal our jurisdiction, so we just sort of..."
So they’d gotten into a fistfight over a jurisdictional dispute. If this were the army, you'd at least try to get along with friendly forces. After all, getting shot in the back is a terrifying prospect! I mean, even I would get together with my comrades and finish off an incompetent superior if they tried to pull a reckless operation. And if a friendly unit was both incompetent and pushy, I’d be the first to gun them down and be done with it.
"I see... Big Sister-in-Law Uta! This is all your fault!"
"M-Me, sir!?"
"Listen here, what exactly do you think of Leonidas-kun?"
"A boyfriend, maybe?"
She actually had the gall to tilt her head in confusion. It was shocking, honestly. She was older than me.
"And what does Leonidas-kun himself think?"
"My woman? Since she treats me to yakiniku?"
These two were hopeless. No wonder they hadn’t made any progress beyond friendship.
"By the way, I'm feeling a sharp pain in the liver area of my sole..."
"Uh, Fairy-san. Book back-to-back foot reflexology appointments with Lepsitol and Taikyoku Nation styles."
I summoned Fairy-san.
"Coming! You want the extra-painful ones, right?"
"Also, that spiky mat Rikochi uses. Can you get some?"
The kind you lay on. Apparently, it had a high relaxation effect on muscles. This was just pure harassment on my part. Theoretically, it wasn't actually that effective. Maybe it did something for people who couldn't sleep without drinking? Whatever.
"On it!"
"Also, book appointments for internal medicine. Find the strictest doctor available."
"That would be Kevin-chan, wouldn't it? She’s a soldier, after all."
"Then book the entire Public Security unit."
"That was a perfectly seamless stream of harassment! And the kind we can’t even refuse!"
"Silence! You can't just fix an adult disease with surgery! Even nanomachines have their limits!"
For some reason, I snapped at them in the tone of a senior office lady. If you broke your body faster than it could recover, no treatment would work. It was a common story that what was actually needed was counseling. People pushing past their limits at work with the help of "alcohol power" was a total cliché.
"Ehh..."
And so, everyone had to get a checkup. I sent the Lepsitol bunch to the Lepsitol general hospital for their exams while we were at it. Additionally, it was discovered that Ren had been skipping the checkups meant for the Beast Race, so she was sent to the hospital as well.
I was told the terrifying fact that Helga-san had never received a checkup in her life. On top of that, the Beast Race had been treated as disposable in Persion. There wasn't so much as a single byte of physical data on them.
Seriously, that was exactly the problem! I was going to punch them. For real.
So, for the sake of gathering physical data—not for anything perverted, but truly for medical science—she went for a checkup.
Phew, I finished dealing with the idiots. Leonidas-kun and I were finally off the hook. Or so I’d hoped.
"Let's add checkups for Rikochi, Leo, and Leonidas-kun as well. For Leo and Leonidas-kun, considering the potential brain damage from repeated intense combat and the effects of overusing ESP, let's add a brain dock. Tatiana-chan and Alissa-chan as well."
"Hieee!"
And so, evil was vanquished.
I, too, was headed for a precision exam. I was transported to the National Chronos Royal Capital Hospital, where Kevin worked, in an armored vehicle equipped with iron bars to prevent escape. It even came with a waist rope. Eddy was the one gripping the other end of the line.
For some reason, Huma-san and the Space Raiders were standing guard with guns. Ugh, escape was impossible!
"Just so you know, we're here as guards. If Your Majesty escapes, we're the ones who have to write a written apology. You're a soldier too, so you should understand our struggle!"
Dammit! He was right on every count! I couldn't run away like this. If there were an ambush or something right now, I'd run for my life. Of course, nothing happens at times like this.
Outside, people who knew this was the King's prison van were taking photos. Hey, you punks, I’m not a sideshow! ...No, wait, since I’m the King, I suppose I am basically a sideshow. Occupying the "rare beast" slot of human society.
"Ah—Huma-san. Take off the waist rope. I won't run."
"You say that, but you're just going to bolt, right?"
"It’s not that. There are people filming outside, so being tied with a rope looks bad, doesn't it?"
"Why is it that you have enough common sense to worry about things like that, yet you still try to run away!?"
"I haven't run today, have I!?"
So, I changed my clothes. Since there were only guys around, I changed right in front of them. I swapped my Officer Academy tracksuit for my military uniform. I put on my white gloves. I also swapped my usual engineer boots—well, safety shoes—for military leather shoes.
Now, time for the checkup. I entered the hospital elegantly, waving to the onlookers with a smile.
Once inside, Leonidas-kun and Big Sister-in-Law Uta were waiting with sour faces. Both Leonidas-kun and Big Sister-in-Law Uta were in their military uniforms. Not their combat fatigues, but the ones for paperwork.
"Yahoo!"
"The source of all evil has arrived!"
"You guys were the source; I’m the one who got dragged into it."
"Hey, hey, Leopy." I decided to strike up a conversation with Leonidas-kun.
"It’s annoying being called that by a relative with a similar face, so could you stop?"
"Then can I just call you Leo? You can call me Leo too. We're cousins, after all. Right, Leonidas?"
"Leo-san."
"Leo."
"Ah, fine, fine! Leo."
After annoying Leonidas, it was time for the health checkup! There was no need to try hard at it, but... the prospect of brain damage was quite scary.
Kawagon braced himself for the ordeal ahead.