“Big Sister Uta’s sense of personal boundaries with men is completely warped.”
Melissa made a face of profound disgust as she spoke.
“I see,” I replied.
Leonidas-kun was right there with us. Naturally, I was curious about how things were going between him and my sister-in-law.
“Maybe it’s because she was raised carelessly by a bunch of meatheads and martial artists while focusing solely on Judo, but her romance level is abnormally low,” Melissa continued. “In high school, she went to a private boarding school on a sports scholarship.”
“Was it an all-girls school?” I asked.
“No. But the boys' and girls' buildings were on opposite sides of the train tracks. It was an all-girls school in every way that mattered.”
“And then she was a Judo athlete in university too... wait, what happened to her competitive career?”
“It was canceled during the Imperial Capital Defense Battle in the Zork War. You know how Eddy’s swordsmanship tournament got scrapped too? The timing was just terrible, so she had to find a job. Back then, if you wanted to do Judo as a professional, your options were the military, the police, or Public Security... nowadays we have the various companies of the Kamishiro Group, but back when the Duke Association held sway, the Judo world was dominated by their factions.”
The Kamishiro Group currently invests heavily in corporate sports. Exporting sports content is one of our major divisions, after all. I’m actually planning to export Judo and wrestling to this side of the galaxy and hold an All-Galaxy Tournament.
Actually, wrestling has already made its way here via pro-wrestling. Saurus-sensei apparently competed in the All-Galactic Empire Championship back when he was a student. It spread to the Kishin Nation in a heartbeat and is now incredibly popular in Chronos too. We’re currently in the middle of planning sessions for the tournament.
By the way, Master Tank apparently made it all the way to Komusubi in Grand Sumo. He’s currently instructing the Lepsitolians’ Armored Rikishi. Or rather, he’s throwing those Armored Rikishi around without any cybernetic modifications, which makes me think he’s a literal monster.
“Those scoundrels who try to modify their bodies without undergoing rigorous training have already lost in their hearts!” he’d say.
Exactly! Hearing Master Tank’s philosophy made me realize I didn’t actually know any place where they taught Sumo properly. So, I started learning from him too. He beats the absolute crap out of me every single time. Former pros are just on another level...
Coming back to the present, I finally understood that Big Sister-in-Law Uta had been a one-track-mind Judo fanatic her whole life.
“She’s had so little experience with men that her sense of distance is broken even from an outsider's perspective,” Melissa lamented. “And the fact that she mooches Yakiniku so much has become a serious problem back at the family home... yet she has the gall to claim she’s just 'on a date'...”
Melissa shed a single, dramatic tear.
As expected of a married woman, her understanding of how to handle men was leagues beyond her sister’s. I’d actually been supplementing Leonidas-kun’s salary under the guise of "territorial income" specifically to cover the costs of her shaking him down. I mean, I felt bad for the guy!
“When I told her she should just have a date at home, she shouted, 'No way! Home burners don't have enough firepower!' That’s not what I meant! That’s not the point at all!”
“Well, for home cooking, can’t you usually fix that by marinating the meat overnight in cooking sake, a good sauce, and some grated garlic?” I suggested. It makes even the cheapest cuts soft and delicious.
“That’s not the point! Honestly... hey, my dear Husband-sama. Do you realize that you’re also completely out of sync with the world?”
Melissa began grinding her finger into the space between my eyebrows.
“You’re the kind of person who owns a full professional barbecue set! If you were dating Big Sister Uta, you’d end up being her personal chef for all eternity!”
“Ah... well... that sounds like a pretty ideal life, honestly.”
Melissa proceeded to grind her knuckles into both of my temples. It hurt.
“That’s exactly the problem! Both the Captain and Leonidas are basically total masochists at heart!”
“That’s uncalled for!” I protested.
I’m not a masochist! I just put up with things because, in most situations, it’s treated as a gag if I’m the one suffering! Lately, it hasn't felt good at all... no, it never has. Breaking bones hurts just as much as you'd expect.
“I'm a pilot!” Leonidas-kun chimed in. “I'm a pilot, I tell you!”
“You can only become a pilot after surviving hellish study and training! The fact that you added that insane studying to become a lawyer on top of it proves you were a masochist from the very beginning!”
“Wh-what...?” Leonidas-kun stammered.
I was about to blame it all on the Jester's curse, but... a masochist from the start? This conversation was turning into a nightmare.
“So, what's the plan for Big Sister-in-Law Uta?” I asked, employing the Lepsitol Ninja Art: The Technique of Ignoring Inconvenient Topics.
“We dispatched some people from the family under the guise of being 'helpers,'” Melissa said. “The Auntie Squad of House Tachibana.”
“Oh...?”
“My sister can technically do housework, but she’s incredibly sloppy about it. She turned her place into a total pigsty... apparently, she’s being scolded by the aunties from dawn to dusk now.”
“Well, she didn't have the same upbringing as us.”
Soldiers—especially officer cadets—have "lifestyle habits" hammered into them until they want to scream. From ironing to cleaning, laundry, and cooking, we do it all. Since the Galactic Empire is heavily influenced by Japanese culture, things like tidying and cleaning are part of compulsory education. The Officer Academy is just a high-octane version of that.
That’s why even Tatiana and One-O-One are better at chores than your average teenager. They can cook, and they keep their living quarters in decent shape. They're quite impressive, really.
But Big Sister-in-Law Uta is only pretending to be a soldier; she was raised as a civilian. She lacks the discipline we were forced to learn.
“But wouldn't an athlete handle that kind of thing? Like washing her Judo uniform?”
“She can do laundry. Laundry is the only thing she can do,” Melissa replied, her expression darkening. She seemed genuinely pained by the disappointing state of the sister who had practically raised her.
“I'm... sorry to hear that.”
“It's fine. Regardless, my father and the others were worried...”
I suppose they realized it was a "too little, too late" situation.
“They said they’re going to reforge her spirit for the sake of the family's prestige.”
Suddenly, the vibe shifted. We were venturing into full-blown sports-club logic.
“It’s not some outdated nonsense about a woman's place being in the home,” Melissa clarified. “It’s about beating that laziness out of her—the kind of laziness that creates a garbage-filled room, mooches meals off others, and leaves empty liquor bottles rolling around on the floor.”
“O-oh... is she going to survive that?”
I mean, couldn't someone just take care of her? Leonidas-kun is a Lord, after all. He can afford to hire staff.
“They're determined to polish her up so she isn't seen as a landmine!”
“So that’s the goal...”
Honestly, I felt it was already too late for that. If anything, I suspected Leonidas-kun might actually be enjoying the landmine. We Jesters are creatures destined to carry such burdens...
I suppose I should be careful too. Before we know it, we Jesters are usually the ones tap-dancing in the middle of a minefield...
“So... what now?” I asked.
“My sister thinks she's on a proper date. But what about Leonidas-kun?”
Come to think of it, I hadn't actually asked Leonidas-kun for his side of the story.
“Shouldn't we just leave them to it?” I suggested.
Melissa immediately started squishing and pulling my cheeks.
“How many years do you think I’ve been waiting since we got married, hm? Honestly, are you the one who should be saying that? Hey... I’m starting to want a baby soon, you know.”
Squish, squish, squish, squish.
“Regarding that, I am profoundly sorry...”
It was strange. Everything Leonidas-kun messed up seemed to find its way back to me. Well, we were essentially twin brothers, so I suppose it was inevitable.
Still, that didn't make it any easier!