“Why... would you... do something like that...?”
She didn't look sad at first. Her eyes were wide with shock. She didn't even seem to realize tears were streaming down her face. Perhaps I was just too shaken by the suddenness of it all, but I didn't have the mental capacity to process why Natsukawa was acting so strangely.
“Why, you ask... No, more importantly...”
“‘More importantly’...? Wh—”
My words, squeezed out with effort, made Natsukawa’s eyes narrow more sharply than I’d ever seen. The movement must have blurred her vision, because she finally seemed to notice the change in herself.
“Ah...”
A drop rolled down her cheek and fell onto her open palms. She reached up, confirming with her fingertips that her face was wet. Her elegant features twisted as the realization hit, and she began frantically wiping her eyes with her sleeves.
“N-Natsukawa...”
“...!”
“Ah...”
I instinctively reached out, but Natsukawa flinched, taking a step back as if repelled. For someone like me, who still hasn't managed to kill his feelings for her, it was a brutal shock. I froze.
“I-I’m... sorr...!”
She was clearly shaken, desperately trying to stop the tears. But her sleeves only got wetter; she couldn't control it.
“—!”
“Ah...”
Turning away to hide her crying face, Natsukawa took off. She was through the school gates and out of sight in an instant. My body felt rooted to the spot, as if paralyzed. Even if I could have moved, I didn't have the confidence to fix this, nor the words to say.
“......”
I'm not sure how long I stood there. Once the initial stupor passed and my mind cleared, I finally felt like I could move again. Strangely, the familiar sense of loss—of being clearly rejected by the person I love—actually made me feel calmer. I started thinking about why she’d run away.
—Thinking about it rationally, I suppose it made sense.
It was the natural conclusion. After all, the answer was the very reason I hadn't wanted Natsukawa to know the truth about the injury.
Imagine someone right in front of you holding a blade to their own neck. You know that if you just stand there, a gruesome tragedy is about to unfold. You have to do something.
So, I’ll just hurt myself right in front of her to show her some blood.
It’s a deranged idea. Intentionally wounding yourself deeply to save someone else isn't the act of a sane person. In fact, I’d regretted it the moment I did it. Why did I choose that method? Wasn't there some other way?
Natsukawa couldn't accept that I’d done something like that. She didn't want to believe that someone close to her was capable of such madness. She felt genuine fear toward that impulse—an impulse that had terrified even me.
It’s not something you can understand with logic. That's why she cried without even realizing it and had no choice but to run. She was protecting herself from something incomprehensible. She was distancing herself from me.
“...Driver.”
“! Y-Yes...”
“Give me my bag. I don't need help getting home.”
“But... sir...”
“I said I don't need it!”
“...Understood. Here you are.”
I snatched the bag from him. Looking back, I was unnecessarily rude to the Driver. I was a bit annoyed, but not truly that angry. To be honest, there was a sense of relief in no longer having to hide the truth.
In the end, I’d known deep down how Natsukawa would react. That’s why I hadn’t told her; I was afraid of her looking at me like that. If the person with the cutter at her throat hadn’t been the Young Lady, I probably would have done the same thing anyway. I sensed then that this was my fate—the truth was bound to come out eventually.
“U-Um—!”
“...What?”
“Well...”
The Young Lady seemed desperate. She approached me, nervously pinching a fold in her uniform, and apologized.
Even now? I thought.
The fact that she looked so remorseful meant she was still trying to maintain our relationship. Even though it was a connection so fragile it could blow away in a breeze. It would be so much easier if we just stopped being involved altogether.
“You're a bad Young Lady, you know that?”
“Ah...”
To drive the point home, I touched her neck with my left hand—the very spot where she’d held the blade. The smooth skin I’d protected at the cost of my injury felt warm even through the bandages. I could feel the pulse of life within her.
“B-But... Natsukawa-san said—”
“Knock it off.”
“...I'm sorry.”
Where was the girl who had been so resolute when cornering Natsukawa? The powerful figure who had commanded the stage was gone. The person standing here now was just a fragile girl, letting a clumsy guy touch her neck without resistance. The way she looked up at me when I pulled my hand away burned itself into my memory.
In the end, I never accepted any help from the Shinonome Family.
The bandages on my left hand had—finally—stopped showing signs of bleeding, provided I stayed still. I’m finally getting used to the itchy, stinging sensation of the skin regenerating. When I think about how I wouldn't have been in that mess yesterday if it weren't for this wound, I start to resent my own hand.
Still, if I were to bump it against a wall again, it would undoubtedly force Natsukawa to notice it. Until yesterday, she might have just thought I was a klutz, but now she might twist it into "this guy is a lunatic, so he does things like that on purpose" and be terrified of me. No, really, I'm just a klutz... please believe me.
Because of this, any lingering thoughts of "it's just my own body, so it doesn't matter" have vanished. I’m going to protect this left hand at all costs. I’d bet my right hand on it.
“......”
Not a single sound of movement came from Natsukawa in the seat behind me. She’s probably still looking down. If she's like that just because I'm close, the answer is simple. But if nothing changes even if I keep my distance, then I need to face her properly.
If the reason I made Natsukawa cry is what I think it is, then I have a defense to offer. I need to make her understand. And that defense is: I will never do anything like that again. If you asked me if there had been any other way to stop the Young Lady in the Student Council Room, the answer is probably no. But even so, I can state for a fact that I won't do it again.
—Because I had no idea it would hurt that much...
It hurt. It hurt so much. "Hurting" didn't even cover it. "Severe pain" was too mild a term. It was explosive pain. Depending on the state of my bowels, I could have lost my dignity right then and there. I hadn't understood the reality of driving a foreign object into my own palm; I hadn't foreseen the consequences.
I used to watch news reports about anime, manga, and games having a bad influence on kids as if it were someone else's problem, but it turns out I was a prime victim. I’d seen too many scenes where a character acts as a shield and pulls a knife out of their shoulder with a stoic face. Somewhere in my heart, I’d brushed it off, thinking, I can probably handle that.
If I’d known that agony beforehand, then even in the direst emergency, the thought of picking up those Cloth Shears would have been the first thing to leave my mind. I probably would have just kicked the pen holder over and headshotted the Young Lady with the flying pens instead—Wait, that actually could have worked...!
Essentially, I underestimated the physical feedback of self-harm. I didn't gladly sacrifice myself just because I wanted to save someone. Sacrificing myself for someone who isn't family or the girl I love just isn't a good deal. The root cause of this injury really was just my own stupidity.
If I can just explain that to Natsukawa at some point—
But not right now. After what happened yesterday, Natsukawa must see me as an incomprehensible freak. Forget doing something weird; just talking to her might make her bolt. Maybe I should force the issue, but... my heart can't take it. If the stress ruins my hormone balance while my hand is trying to heal, I might end up growing a spare finger out of the wound.
Luckily, Natsukawa and I are still sitting one in front of the other. I’d be grateful if she could just look at my back in silence and get used to me being there. If that eventually brings back her usual pretty smile, then great. If not, I’ll just have to make her listen from a Zero-koi Distance instead of a Gachikoi Distance.
“We’re doing a Seat Reshuffle today!”
I’ll just keep things as they are for now—Wait, what?
“—Alright! Everyone, these are your new seats starting today!”
“............Eh?”
Before I knew it, Natsukawa was no longer behind me.