I couldn’t look away.
His eyes, reflecting the hues of the sunset, gripped me and wouldn’t let go. I felt as though if I moved even a single step, he would see right through the emotions I couldn't even put into words. My face was burning; my whole body was hot. The only saving grace was that the flames of the setting sun were scorching us both. Thanks to that light—a blend of orange and purple—I didn't have to hide my face, which was surely flushed crimson.
“—It’s the weakness of being in love.”
I ruminated on the words he had whispered just seconds ago, words that seemed to melt into the air. No, even without trying to be conscious of them, they repeated in my head of their own accord. They circled around and around in my mind, melting my brain, my heart.
“—Because that guy… has always loved Natsukawa.”
Once again, I remembered the words Sasaki-kun had told me. It seemed Wataru had always loved me. But as far as I knew, that was only true up until the time he had confessed his feelings at his house back in the First Semester; I didn’t know if it was still true now. Even so, if Sasaki-kun’s words were meant for the Wataru of the present—
“……Ah…… a……”
My face was so hot.
The sun was sinking. I didn’t want it to leave yet. My face was undoubtedly still as red as a ripe fruit. At this rate, Wataru would see me like this. It was humiliating. It was embarrassing to have these feelings—these emotions that had just leapt out from the depths of my chest—be seen. So, please, don’t go yet—
“……Let’s head home.”
—Eh?
Wataru spoke again. Exhaling as if he were exhausted, he picked up his bag from the desk and brushed past me.
“……Ah, wait……?”
“I mean, look… it’s starting to get dark outside.”
That wasn't it.
Wataru seemed far too composed. He walked toward the middle of the classroom, which was now mostly shrouded in shadows, looking completely unlike someone who had whispered such sweet words just a moment ago. I couldn't find the words to respond to his sudden change in demeanor.
—Was it a dream?
Was everything until now just my delusion? Did I mishear him? Is that why he can act like nothing happened? Those eyes, that gaze that looked upon something precious, those words spoken as if he knew a little bit of pain… was none of it real…?
“……Ah……”
The heat receded. The very thing I had wished for a moment ago turned into a sense of dread that came rushing back before I could push it away. My racing heart, these newfound emotions—I didn’t want to believe that all of it had been directed toward a lie, a mere fantasy.
“Wa-Wait…”
I tried to call out with all my might… but what came out of my mouth was a thin, trembling voice that vanished right before my eyes. If I had been in my right mind, my voice should have reached the building across from us, but instead, it was like the flickering flame of a dying candle. That was how little composure I had left.
My body wouldn't do what I wanted. When I looked at Wataru as if clinging to him, his eyes, which had returned to their usual black, were looking back at me.
“—I’ll wait.”
“Ah……”
Wataru gave a small smile. Though his eyes looked the same as always, the person standing there definitely didn't feel like the usual Wataru. Even though it was just a few words, they repeated in my head over and over, just like before.
“I can’t exactly leave you alone when it’s getting dark.”
“...!”
Why?
My legs, which were finally moving again, carried me toward him. His face, which looked so much more grown-up now, gradually drew closer. Time passed so slowly that it felt like I was learning to walk all over again in physical therapy.
By the time I realized it, we were at the School Entrance.
There was no conversation during the walk from the classroom, but Wataru, who was walking slightly ahead of me, occasionally looked back and slowed his pace. Every time his eyes narrowed with that gentle look, I felt as though they contained something different from the mere friendship he would show any other classmate. My pulse quickened, making my footsteps even more uncertain.
Was I just being conceited? Was I just being self-conscious? When I thought about the possibility that Wataru’s feelings for me were still alive, my chest ached uncontrollably.
I had wanted to know his “reason for working hard” so badly. Now that I realized how that time, that effort, and his devotion had all been directed toward me, my head felt dizzy. And more than appreciation or guilt, I felt a piercing sense of joy that I couldn't help, making me feel incredibly simple-minded.
Wataru stepped out of the School Entrance and was bathed in the faint light outside.
He looked up at the sky and took a breath.
He looked so relaxed and comfortable as he felt the cool early autumn breeze.
I found myself staring at him. It wasn't just that Wataru was fast at getting ready; it was also that I was slow. If I kept looking at him without watching my hands, I’d never finish changing my shoes. Fearing that he might leave without me, I managed to finish and caught up to him.
“—It’s autumn.”
“Eh…?”
“Well, you know… I’ve been concentrating for so long. Up until just a bit ago, it felt like it was still the middle of summer. I didn’t realize it had already gotten this cool.”
“……You’re right.”
Before I knew it, it was autumn. I only realized it because Wataru pointed it out. I felt the same way—the activities of the Cultural Festival Executive Committee felt like they belonged to the summer. With this realization, tomorrow’s activities would likely look like a completely different scene. Even the times that had been so painful were now turning into memories.
From somewhere, I could hear the chirping of crickets.
“……”
“……Natsukawa?”
“Ah… yes, right……”
When I stood right beside him, I couldn't see his face. So, I inadvertently walked a little behind him. I could see him better that way. Before I knew it, I realized I was trudging along as slowly as possible. I was probably walking way too slowly. Wataru looked at me suspiciously.
My face grew hot. I was embarrassed by how simple I was being. Not wanting to be seen, I hurriedly moved back to his side.
“……”
“……”
A silent walk home. Wataru said nothing. Peeking at his profile so he wouldn't notice, I saw him just looking straight ahead. However, he looked somewhat sleepy and tired. In contrast to the moments when he looked like an adult, he now looked a bit innocent.
My heart was thumping.
It was strange. Had Wataru always been this handsome? Had he always been this cute? The more I looked, the hotter the depths of my chest became, and I almost reached out to touch him. Just standing next to him, I could catch his scent, and I felt as though my mind were melting.
This was a first for me. I had never experienced anything like this in my life.
I lowered my gaze and saw Wataru’s hand just to my right. It was larger than mine. If I just reached out a little, I could easily touch it. Despite the distance being only fifteen centimeters, I felt a sense of frustration at being unable to take that hand.
“—Ah.”
While I was agonizing over it, the fork in the road came into view. I wondered when we had gotten there. It didn't feel like much time had passed since we left the school. It felt as though I had only taken a dozen steps. Thinking about how I had spent that entire time battling with Wataru’s left hand made my face grow hot again.
Even when I looked ahead to distract myself, there was only the path where I would have to part ways with him.
—No.
I stopped in my tracks without thinking. A strong desire to stay with him longer froze my legs. Wataru, who was ahead of me, noticed a moment later. After turning around with a puzzled look, he glanced around and spoke as if he understood.
“We’re here already.”
“Yeah……”
It was an abrupt end to our walk. I felt a bit sad as he muttered those words without any sentiment, still looking sleepy. If only there were a little more—something, anything. A sense of urgency arose, a feeling that I didn't want to say goodbye just yet.
“…………Sigh……”
“...!”
Wataru turned his back to me and let his shoulders slump slightly. The sound I heard was a sigh that carried his exhaustion. He must have done it away from me so I wouldn't worry. That gesture stimulated my wavering heart beyond endurance.
I couldn't hold back anymore.
“Natsu—eh?”
“……”
“……”
He felt somewhat sturdy. When I breathed in, I could smell nothing but Wataru’s scent. I had expected his back, which I buried my face into, to be warm, but it felt a little cool. As I traced it with my fingertips, I could feel the rugged lines of his body.
“Sorry… I just, tripped…”
“……Ah, eh? Y-You tripped?”
“Yeah…… I tripped.”
I wrapped my arms around him. I thought he would be softer, but his body was firmer than I expected. When I tightened my grip, Wataru’s back grew a little warmer. I closed my eyes and stood still, letting the warmth from my cheek spread through my entire body.
“Hey, are you tired…?”
“Eh, eh…? Instead of tired… well, yeah… I guess the string finally snapped……”
“I see.”
It didn't matter if it was for someone else's sake. Wataru had worked hard. I was supposed to be envious and jealous of that, but now, none of that mattered. I simply couldn't help but want to comfort the boy I found so dear.
“Good job, Wataru.”
—I might love you.
I whispered it toward his back, using nothing but my breath.
It was okay if he didn't hear it. It was okay if it didn't get through. I might not even have the right to say it to him yet. But at least, let me have this embrace. In exchange for more than two years of his time, please forgive me for this.
“—It’s the weakness of being in love.”
Who were those words truly meant for? Part of me wanted to hear the answer from Wataru’s own lips. But I wouldn't press him for it now. No matter how it turned out, I would either be unable to accept myself, or I would simply end up hurt.
“……”
“……”
I kept both hands on his back so he wouldn't turn around. I absolutely could not let him see this face. If he were to see it, I would surely cry. This, too, was my own selfishness.
“See you tomorrow, okay?”
“………Ah—”
Even if I took a step forward, the scenery might not change at all. Even though I was always running away.
But it was the first time in my life that I had ever fled while facing firmly forward.