Wataru was visibly shaken when he saw me. It was the same way when I had gone to see him during lunch before, but whenever work wasn't involved, he reverted to the Wataru I knew so well. My anxiety and tension hadn't vanished, but seeing him more flustered than I was helped me calm down a little.
"Na—Natsukawa...?"
"Ye—yeah..."
Wataru looked as if he couldn't believe it. He took a step or two closer, then rubbed his eyes. When I gave him a small response, he took two steps back as if confirming my presence. It was the kind of gesture you’d see in an anime or a drama, and it was actually a little funny.
"Go... Goddess..."
"Wh—"
The word just slipped out of him. Looking back at the old Wataru, it was a phrase I had heard countless times. Yet, the sound of it was somehow nostalgic now, feeling different from back then, when I had grown tired of hearing it and found it bothersome.
"What was that all of a sudden...?"
"No, well, it’s just... I just got caught up in the Sunset Correction."
"Th-that’s—"
My head was a whirlpool. After the committee meeting ended and I spoke with Sasaki-kun, I had thought about so many things. The things I wanted to ask, the things I didn't understand, the things I wanted to know—the thoughts I was supposed to have organized were being scrambled into a mess. I suppressed the heat rising in my mind with a voice so low only I could hear it. I didn't even understand the meaning of the words escaping my lips.
That wasn't it. That wasn't it at all.
My regained logic protested, trying to cut through the agitation in my heart. A Goddess—I wasn't such a grand existence that I deserved to be compared to such a thing. On the contrary, I didn't even have the confidence that I was doing as well as an average person. I was well aware that I was just a spoiled child who had been fawned over by my parents, relatives, and classmates since I was little. I didn't think that was the cause, though. In the end, I was the one who had made my current self so empty.
I thought I had worked hard. I thought I had suffered. I thought I had agonized and eventually overcome it.
If that were true, why was my heart shrouded in this mist right now? It was simple: I didn't want to admit that the person I was, wearing a facade of excellence, was actually nothing special. I wasn't superior like a goddess, nor was I someone to be relied upon; I wasn't the kind of person who deserved to be put on a pedestal. I was just a child who couldn't accept the things I couldn't do.
When I looked Wataru in the eye as if confronting him, he hurriedly averted his gaze.
"I mean, I didn't think you’d still be here. I figured you'd be the type to say you wanted to see Airi-chan even a second sooner and be home by now."
That was true. I did feel that way. Airi was the most important thing in the world to me. To protect my dear little sister's smile, I wanted to be by her side as soon as possible. But if I went home like this, could I look at Airi with a confident smile? I didn't want to show that strained smile I had back in middle school to anyone in my family ever again. And besides—
"Th-that’s... because I was... waiting for you..."
"Eh?"
Because I had an impulse that outran my heart—the desire to see him.
How much easier would it be if I could just say that clearly? My thin voice, leaking through the gaps in my breathing, was pathetic, and my fingertips trembled with embarrassment. Even so, now that I had come this far, I didn't want to run away.
"I—I said I was waiting for you!"
"Huh?"
Wh—Why isn't he getting it...!
The words almost escaped me. After I had hidden my shame and squeezed out a response with all my might, he had simply asked for clarification. Instead of words, a groan-like "Uuuu..." came out of me. Out of sheer frustration, my vision blurred and wavered. Unable to suppress my emotions, I glared up at Wataru, only to find that his expression had completely changed. All his agitation had vanished, replaced by a serious face.
Startled, I forgot my frustration.
"...Wait, why?"
He looked at me with eyes that suggested he truly didn't understand. There was no anxiety or flustered confusion; it was a face that seemed to be searching for something—confirming something. I could tell that Wataru’s consciousness, which had been scattered elsewhere, was now focused entirely on me.
Our eyes met.
His pupils didn't waver. His gaze didn't shift. I felt like I was about to be overwhelmed by the intensity of his eyes as they dived straight into me. Still, I managed to hold my ground with a sense of duty, feeling that I had to convey these feelings.
"...I wanted to... talk to Wataru..."
"..."
Wataru’s gaze moved as if searching through me. My body wouldn't move. He rummaged through my interior, through my heart, as if looking for something lost. It felt as if he were handling my body however he pleased.
After searching through me for a while, Wataru pulled his gaze away, as if giving up on whatever he was looking for. The moment that foreign sensation vanished, my breathing quickened. I felt as if my entire body had taken on a fever. I clutched my right arm with my left hand. I felt as if the surface of my skin had become thinner than usual.
"Um, is something bothering you...?"
"A—something bothering me... yeah... maybe it’s something like that."
It wasn't wrong. But it was just a random answer I gave because he asked. I didn't have the room to think. The things I had intended to talk about—the things I had barely managed to keep in shape inside my chest like a water balloon—had burst. Fortunately, the things that splashed out weren't water. While waiting for Wataru’s next words, I hurriedly gathered them up in the shallows of my thoughts. By the time I had to answer his question, I had somehow managed to return them to their original shape.
"I see... What's wrong?"
"...Um, lately... no. Probably, it’s been since a long time ago, but..."
The words I squeezed out were vague. I was worried about whether I was properly getting through to him. To chew over what I wanted to say in my head, break it down, supplement it, and then speak it—how much easier would it be if I could do that?
In the end, the words that popped into my head just spilled out as they were.
"—Was I of any use...?"
"Huh?"
It was only natural that he’d ask me to repeat myself. There was no way he could understand words that contained no concrete details. I had only conveyed the troublesome part.
I raised my downcast eyes. When I timidly looked at Wataru, I didn't see a face that found me bothersome, but a reliable face that was quietly and steadily waiting for me.
"When you ask if you were of any use... regarding what?"
His words were relaxed, not rushing me. Wataru gave me another chance to explain. Come to think of it, I had no memory of Wataru ever cutting me off mid-sentence. I probably just hadn't noticed, but he was actually a good listener. I thought I should really be calming down thanks to that soft kindness of his.
And yet, for some reason, my heartbeat grew louder and threw me off.
"Like this time... and everything else. It’s like I was just moving my hands as I was told the whole time..."
"Well, you’re a first-year, so isn't that usually how it goes?"
No. That wasn't what I wanted to say. It wasn't about what was "usual." It wasn't something objective like that. I wanted to know what Wataru thought when he looked at me. That was what I wanted to hear.
"But..."
"...?"
But, but, but. A hopeless girl I had seen on TV once came to mind. Perhaps I looked like that to him right now.
I didn't want him to hate me.
I felt that strongly. I looked up at Wataru as if praying. Wataru looked back at me, looking puzzled.
The current me was hopeless. I couldn't even properly say what I wanted to say. It was frustrating, miserable, and embarrassing. I couldn't help but cast a rude look at him, begging him to just sense what I meant.
"Well, I—"
Perhaps sensing something, Wataru looked at me with a start. Whether he also had things he couldn't quite put together, he looked down and began to think.
He was trying to understand me.
I didn't want to make him worry. Yet, seeing him think with a slight frown made me feel happy. Taking advantage of the fact that our eyes weren't meeting, I let my heart run wild however it wanted, letting the heat within my body escape.
I stared at Wataru’s face. I didn't think I’d ever get tired of it.
Trying not to miss any change in his expression, I sensed when Wataru had finally gathered his thoughts, and I suppressed my heartbeat, which was expanding and contracting without limit.
"Ah—right. In the first place, I’m an outsider, right? Besides, the stuff I’m doing is on the darker side of gray... if anything, it’s out. It’s normally impossible for students to hire outside contractors with money to help with a Cultural Festival... there’s no 'doing well' or anything when you’re complicit in that."
"Why...?"
The words were out before I could think.
I couldn't accept the way Wataru spoke so self-deprecatingly, as if he hadn't done anything good. The Cultural Festival Executive Committee had been cornered and was in a dire situation—until Wataru and Ishiguro-senpai came along, we couldn't see any way forward, and every day was filled with anxiety. It was none other than Wataru and the others who had pulled us out of the darkness and into the light. I didn't want him to say that everything he had done to that extent was pointless.
"No, that’s why—"
"Why go that far...?"
"Eh... what?"
Wataru was flustered. I could tell he was troubled.
I didn't want to trouble him. I didn't want to do anything like blaming him. I knew that. I wanted to shut my mouth right now. Somewhere inside my chest, a calm version of myself was trying to stop the words that were overflowing like a muddy stream. But I couldn't stop them now that they had taken on such heat and momentum.
"Why did you do it, Wataru...?"
"No, well—"
"Why... how can you work that hard?"
"...Natsukawa?"
......
They were a bit strong, but those were the true feelings I had finally managed to convey. I thought that this was fine. I gave up and cast aside the self that was trying to remain calm to the end.
"I was surprised when Wataru first showed up. You helped out as if you knew everything, and then you were giving instructions with the seniors, and participating in meetings and things... When I found out the Student Council was in danger for various reasons, I thought you were working hard to help your sister."
"Ah, ahh..."
"—But, Wataru, you said clearly that was 'wrong.'"
That was it. That was when I started to wonder.
What was the reason that that Wataru would keep working so hard, even setting his sister aside? Once I became curious, that feeling continued to expand without limit.
"Th-that was... uh, look, we’re siblings, right? You can't say something as embarrassing as 'it’s for my Nee-chan' straight to someone's face, can you? We aren't that close to begin with."
"Liar. I was watching you back then. You didn't have the face of someone making an excuse or someone being stubborn. I’ve known you since we were in middle school, too."
"..."
"I was being followed." At the very least, I still thought of those two years that way. Wataru had taken an interest in me and learned many things about me. But I had also spent all that time with Wataru. His face when he was emotional, his gestures, the tone of his voice. I might not have tried to get to know Wataru, but if I traced back my memories, there were many different sides of Wataru there.
Wataru looked me in the eye.
"...Why do you want to know so much?"
"...!"
For a moment... for just a fleeting moment, I thought I saw a flash of irritation in those eyes. Wataru, who had returned to his desk while asking me back, leaned against the desk slightly and looked at me again. By then, the sharpness I had felt for an instant was already gone. While my heart was being shaken, I managed to answer.
"......I—I don't know."
"Then, isn't it fine?"
The words were shot back instantly. I could sense a clear will in Wataru’s eyes that he didn't want to tell me. A hazy feeling swelled up inside me.
"He doesn't want to tell me." That meant there was a proper reason. Wataru wasn't working hard for his sister, but for something else, and he was looking forward with single-minded devotion.
Wataru’s driving force. Wataru’s secret. If he said he "hated" the idea, then maybe I shouldn't try to force it out of him. Even though I understood that in my head, the strong desire to know made me spin more words.
"No, I don't want to..."
"..."
Childish words. I had heard them many times from Airi’s mouth.
Strangely, I didn't feel like rejecting that side of myself. I suppose I had just accepted that I was a child who wouldn't be satisfied until I was convinced. Normally, I would never show this side of myself to anyone.
But. But, to Wataru—
"—Because he’s... always loved Natsukawa."
I remembered Sasaki-kun’s words. I should have known it as a matter of course, but every time I remembered it, I felt as if something was being thrust at me. The fact that I felt that way was proof that I was averting my eyes.
The end of spring. When Wataru told me something that felt like a parting, I remembered being more shaken than I had expected. Looking back now, maybe I had already been averting my eyes since that time.
Without being able to admit the simple feeling of being "curious."
"..."
Looking at him, Wataru’s eyes were slightly wide, as if he were surprised. I felt somewhat guilty toward him. Since he had compared me to a Goddess, he might have been taken aback by the fact that words that could only be described as selfish were coming out of my mouth.
"......Sigh..."
"......!"
Wataru let out a small sigh. A sigh so small it was like a mere breath, something you wouldn't notice unless you were paying close attention.
Was he fed up with me? Did he hate me? If that was the case, my chest hurt a little.
I couldn't put into words that I was interested or curious. After all, I had trampled on Wataru’s feelings countless times until now. To say something like "I want to know more" was the height of presumption. It might already be far too late to build anything. Even so. Even so. Even so.
"—...Natsukawa, hey."
"...Eh..."
—It was a gentle voice.
When I raised my downcast face, Wataru was sitting on the desk, looking out the window. Having passed the twilight, his eyes of the same color were melting into the sky as it turned purple.
His profile, with the corners of his mouth turned up somewhat self-deprecatingly, reminded me of the first thing I had seen when I peeked into the classroom. There was no usual smile there that would make me relax. Instead, he had a face that looked as if he were enduring a little bit of pain.
With a face I didn't know, he softly whispered.
"—Ah..."
......God—Goddess.
I cannot become like you. I love taking care of my adorable little sister more than anyone else, but I can't quite cast aside the part of me that’s still a child, and I end up throwing a tantrum. I try my best to be a kind older sister, but when things get a little hard, I want to lean on someone. I don't think I can become an adult just yet.
So... please tell me—
"——It’s my weakness for having fallen for you."
How can I cool this uncontrollable heat?