“Natsukawa!”
“Ah, Sasaki-kun...”
It was only when he called out to me that I realized I was looking down. I must have been so lost in my own self-deprecating thoughts that my gaze had drifted toward the ground. Sasaki-kun ran over to me, a look of concern etched on his face.
“Um... sorry. Did I bore you?”
“No, not at all. It’s been a while since I watched something like this. I enjoyed it.”
“Really? Well, that’s good, then.”
Sasaki-kun sat down next to me, keeping a polite distance. He held a bottle of sports drink in one hand and used the towel around his neck to wipe away his sweat. Despite being drenched, he looked genuinely happy—refreshingly so. It was clear just how much he loved soccer.
“Hehe. You look cool out there.”
“Wait, what?! Ah... um, r-really?”
“Yeah. I can see why all the girls are swooning over you.”
“Ugh... I see.”
Among girls, the topic of ‘what’s your type?’ comes up often. I used to hear people say they liked ‘someone who can get passionate about something,’ but I never really gave it much thought. Now, I felt like I finally understood why. Sasaki-kun was already good-looking, but it wasn't just him—everyone on the field was glowing with that same radiance.
“...Natsukawa, what were you thinking about?”
“Eh...?”
“Well, you looked like you were deep in thought partway through. Ah, sorry—if it’s something you can’t talk about, don’t worry about it.”
“Ah...”
Now that I thought about it, Sasaki-kun had been looking my way and waving every now and then. I had been so preoccupied that I might have been unintentionally ignoring him. I felt a pang of guilt, realizing that he had sensed my mood and come over even while he was in the middle of practice.
“I was just thinking about how amazing everyone is. You, Inoue-senpai, Ogawa-senpai...”
“Amazing...?”
“Yeah. Like how you can trap high balls with your chest.”
“Oh, that? Everyone can do that.”
“If they’re in the soccer club, maybe.”
Even if it was common for them, a contribution was still a contribution. It was a skill used to move toward a goal. Being able to do that required both talent and technique—things that were far beyond me, and quite honestly, a little intimidating.
“Inoue-senpai was watching the whole field and handing out towels to whoever needed them, and Ogawa-senpai was giving instructions to the first-years.”
“B-Boys...”
Watching the bigger picture, moving others to action... Even without soccer-specific talent, their contribution to the club was significant. I wondered just how many members relied on them. Those were things I had never done before.
“—I wonder if I actually accomplished anything...”
Inside my head, a cold, rational version of myself was scolding me for asking such a question. I was wasting Sasaki-kun’s time, dampening his fun, and intruding on the things he worked so hard for. And with such a vague, heavy topic... I was undoubtedly making things difficult for him.
“Accomplished anything? You mean with the Cultural Festival Executive Committee? You worked really hard, Natsukawa. I’m the one who kept slipping away, remember?”
“That was for the sake of the soccer club. Honestly, you didn't even have to be a committee member. you only did it to take over for Tabata-kun.”
“T-That’s... well...”
I wasn't blaming him. I was envious. He had something he was passionate about, and he had the drive to step up for the committee on top of that. He had room in his heart for both. He was always moving forward.
Slipping away from a responsibility you’ve been entrusted with is wrong. Yet, Sasaki-kun always came back and ended up contributing just as much as I did. More than anything, he didn't agonize over things like I did; he was out here, shining. Looking at him made me feel like a total loser. I couldn't understand why I felt this way when I was supposed to be the one who had done more of the work.
“Um, I think you’re the one who’s actually impressive, Natsukawa. You’re good at your studies, you’re athletic, and your reputation with the teachers is amazing.”
“...”
“Ah... er, Natsukawa...?”
I did have confidence in those areas.
I was good at studying. Perhaps because I had worked so hard in middle school, I could absorb new information quickly. I was athletic, too. Likely from the time I spent playing with and looking after Airi, I had developed strange reflexes and was fast on my feet. And of course the teachers liked me; I did exactly what I was told and made sure not to upset them.
But...
“—Does any of that actually help anyone...?”
“Help...? Um...”
What a bothersome person I was being. I was just making things awkward for him. We were only paired up for the Cultural Festival Executive Committee; we didn't have any other connection. If anything, we were only just starting to get to know each other. I shouldn't be throwing a question like this at someone who barely knew my inner self.
“But look... Natsukawa, you’re... well...”
“...”
“Um, I mean... you’re...”
—I have to stop. I have to apologize.
This was nothing but a nuisance. It wasn't something I should be asking someone else. It was my own responsibility to improve myself so that I could be useful to others. Even if he managed to squeeze out an answer for me now, what would it matter? It would just be a forced compliment. Nothing could be more pathetic than that.
I needed to tell him to forget we ever had this conversation.
“—Maybe Wataru... would know?”
“...Eh?”
The response was entirely unexpected.
I never thought Sasaki-kun would bring up Wataru’s name. I couldn't fathom why he thought Wataru would know the answer. I forgot about asking him to ignore me and asked him why instead.
“Why him...?”
“Well, you know. He was handling all sorts of things.”
“All sorts of things... I suppose so.”
Wataru was the one who had led the first-years during the committee work. Since he had effectively been in a leadership position, he would have seen how I compared to everyone else. But that wasn't the kind of ‘difference’ I wanted to know about.
“...Besides. He probably... knows you better than I do, right?”
“...!”
That was... true.
Wataru knew me far better than Sasaki-kun did. He was supposed to. We had known each other since middle school, and we had spent all our school hours together. Beyond that, he was surprisingly experienced; I had seen him giving advice to others several times during the festival prep. For the first time, I had realized that he was someone to be relied upon.
...Wait, why?
Why was I only just realizing that now? I had spent just as much time with Wataru since middle school. Back then, he used to talk about himself constantly, even when I hadn't asked. I should have known just as much about him as he knew about me. So why was it only ‘now’...?
“—Because that guy... has always loved you, Natsukawa.”
“Ah...”
As he said it, Sasaki-kun looked somewhat dejected.
◇
Wataru loved me.
He already loved me from the very moment we met. I distinctly remember him looking me in the eye and telling me so clearly. But at the time, I wasn't in a place where I could think about romance, and I had coldly pushed him away. Even so, Wataru hadn't given up; he kept appearing before me over and over. Looking back, he might have been the only person I showed my raw, unfiltered emotions to back then.
By the time I entered high school, I had more room in my heart. I was excited, wondering what my new life would be like. I knew Wataru was there, but back then, I saw him as nothing more than a nuisance. I was interested in my new school life, but I had zero interest in boyfriends or dating. There was nothing I could love more than Airi.
The start of high school had gone smoothly. He had been incredibly conspicuous, mostly because he was constantly following me around. Because of that, I stood out too, and people naturally learned my face and name. That was how I met my best friend, Kei. Now that I thought about it, it was Wataru’s presence that had allowed that connection with Kei to form.
The reason I hadn't noticed was because I had taken it all for granted.
A noisy, persistent presence. But he was a presence that was always there by my side. That was exactly why I hadn't understood why he had suddenly distanced himself. I could accept that he had given up on me, but I didn't understand why we couldn't just stay friends.
It was because if we didn't, I was lonely.
There was a place where I belonged that was built entirely on Wataru’s presence. A gap in my heart that neither Kei nor Airi could fill. I only truly understood that ‘loneliness’ during the Trial Enrollment over summer vacation. He wasn't just some loud nuisance; he was an essential part of my everyday life. And that was why the mere thought of that connection breaking terrified me.
One day after school during the second semester, Wataru had flatly denied having a relationship with me to someone from our middle school. He had an expression I had never seen before. In that moment, I thought that maybe he didn't love me anymore. I realized that he had been being careful not to make things awkward for me. I realized I hadn't considered his feelings at all. I hadn't known what to do.
I hadn't tried to know. I hated not knowing. And I was afraid of finding out.
Even if I reached out my hand, my feet remained frozen.
It was only natural that I didn't know.