I felt a sense of dissonance.
Wataru had started talking to a cute girl with brown hair. Her name was apparently Aizawa-san. There was a constant, prickly tension between her and Kei. Watching the three of them, I felt a mounting anxiety, as if everything was beginning to change. Eventually, for reasons I wasn't privy to, Kei and Aizawa-san became close friends. It seemed there were circumstances behind it, but I was left completely out of the loop.
My daily life felt like it was missing something essential. After a seat change, Wataru and Kei ended up sitting right next to each other and began talking happily every day. It felt as if something unpleasant inside me had "accelerated."
───I want to be there, too.
I tried to go over and talk to them, but my feet wouldn't move.
What had I said to start conversations with him until now? Without knowing how to bridge the gap, I spent my time just staring at their backs.
Then, my classmates came over to my house. Watching everyone dote on Airi made me very happy, but I felt a strange frustration that Wataru acted so indifferent and didn't join in. Even though he used to be so obsessed with me──that sense of dissatisfaction continued to grow.
In the midst of that, Sasaki-kun picked Airi up. Airi seemed to be having fun, but seeing her take a liking to him gave me an indescribable sense of dissonance. In the end, I instinctively pulled her away under the guise of casualness.
A strange emotion welled up. It was a sensation I couldn't accept... and while I realized its true nature immediately, I couldn't understand my own mindset for harboring it. Why? For what reason? The contradiction born within me turned into pure irritation.
I hated that Sasaki-kun was the first boy Airi took a liking to.
When I tried to keep those feelings hidden, Kei scolded me. She saw through to my true intent and exposed it all to Wataru. I was so embarrassed and overwhelmed that I could do nothing but run away.
As if to overwrite the memory of "Sasaki-kun," I said something nonsensical and dragged Wataru into my house. Thinking back on it now, I realize I did something outrageous. I was supposed to be keeping him away from Airi, yet I couldn't understand why I was suddenly placing my expectations on him. But if I hadn't done that, the frustration inside me wouldn't have subsided.
Wataru was clumsy at holding Airi. I had to teach him how to do it properly. Airi seemed to enjoy it; she moved her body even more than usual and acted sweet toward him. Seeing Wataru bring himself down to Airi's eye level to accept her affection was so funny that I couldn't help but laugh. I felt a bit sorry for him, but I was happy that he stayed with her until Airi was completely exhausted.
The dissonance vanished.
Then, Wataru collapsed. My mind went blank. I prayed fervently that it wasn't anything serious. I felt a wave of relief when the school nurse, Ms. Shindo, told me it was just a common cold. It was painful to see Kei, who is usually so energetic, turn pale at the sight of him. I realized for the first time just how large Wataru's presence had become to us.
During my first summer vacation as a high schooler, I spent more time at home.
Since my activities for the Cultural Festival Executive Committee were only twice a week, I was glad I could play with Airi to my heart's content. On the messaging app on my phone, the class group chat stayed lively until the middle of the night. It was funny to see Wataru join the conversation or play the straight man to the other boys' comments. When I showed the messages to Airi, she just tilted her head in confusion, which made me laugh again.
Ten days passed. The group messages settled down, and the nights became a routine of people reporting what they had done for fun. Seeing reports of karaoke, bowling, or new shops made me feel envious.
Kei was busy with her club. I checked the app every day, but Wataru stopped showing his face in the group entirely. Meanwhile, I spent my time playing with Airi or going to school for committee work. However, neither of those two were there... and an emotion I never could have imagined back in middle school took root in my heart.
".........I'm lonely."
In truth, I had known it deep down... that I was a timid soul who would shrink away without a bright person like Kei around. And that I was harboring an emotion completely different from loathing toward Wataru, the boy who was supposed to be persistent and annoying.
How selfish of me. How childish. While I wallowed in self-loathing, I also felt a shock as an older sister for finding my daily life with Airi boring.
I felt guilt toward Airi. I felt pathetic for not being able to act bright and proactive like Kei. I felt a mess of contradictory feelings toward Wataru. Before I knew it, my heart, which should have been full, had dried up with startling ease──.
I couldn't even cry.
◆
August 6th. Having given notice to the Cultural Festival Executive Committee, I headed to the neighboring conference room with Sasaki-kun. It was a classroom opened up for the Trial Enrollment event. Inside were several seniors I didn't recognize from my committee, and the sight of them took me by surprise.
"It's... kind of impressive," I murmured.
"Y-Yeah..."
They were all incredibly good-looking──essentially, a lineup perfectly suited to represent the "ideal Kouetsu students" for promotional purposes. The reason the attractive members of the Student Council weren't here was likely because they were busy elsewhere.
"Sasaki-kun aside... I wonder why I'm even here."
"No, it's the other way around. Natsukawa aside, I wonder why I'm the one here."
Just being in the room felt like we were part of some self-congratulatory display. Being seated there was terribly embarrassing, and I exchanged a bashful smile with Sasaki-kun.
The space to the front-left of the conference room was empty. Wooden chairs were placed haphazardly in that area, ignoring the layout of the long desks. While I was wondering about the gap, a new group of people entered.
"Oh right, the Trial Enrollment is led by the Disciplinary Committee," Sasaki-kun noted. "The Cultural Festival Executive Committee reports to the Student Council, I think."
"Oh... I see."
Students wearing "Disciplinary" armbands filed in, looking a bit cramped as they took the haphazardly placed chairs. Their numbers increased until they filled the area right behind my seat. From the sheer number of people, I realized just how large this event was.
As I watched the Disciplinary Committee members file in, another person entered the room. If Kei had been here, she would have made a scene. It was the Disciplinary Committee President, Shinomiya Rin. True to her name, she carried herself with a dignified air as she took her place in front of the podium, looking full of confidence.
"──Ah........."
A familiar boy appeared in my line of sight.
He was walking stealthily behind Shinomiya-senpai like a lowly underling. He looked around timidly, then scurried toward the seats where the other committee members were sitting.
In that instant, our eyes met.
Wataru looked surprised. His eyes widened when he saw me, then he gave a quick, sharp salute and moved his mouth silently as if to say "usu." He looked so much like a minion that I couldn't help but let out a small breath of laughter.
──Wataru is here.
It was as if the fog in my mind suddenly lifted. Just knowing Wataru was participating in this event made the heavy, leaden feeling in my chest grow lighter. My mind started working again, and a question arose: Why was Wataru sitting with the Disciplinary Committee?
"──Is everyone here? Then, let's begin the preliminary briefing."
Whoa.
She was so cool. I felt a genuine sense of admiration. I wanted to be a woman like her. Even though I wasn't Kei, I found my heart fluttering at her low, resonant voice. Shinomiya-senpai proceeded with the meeting gallantly, explaining the overview of the Trial Enrollment. I was so captivated that I found it hard to concentrate. Right now, I understood Kei's feelings all too well.
Escorting the middle schoolers was an important role that doubled as a school tour. We first-years were tasked with guiding one school in pairs, explaining the facilities at key points. As I looked through the materials, I ended up learning quite a bit myself.
"Wait, the Multipurpose Hall has equipment like this...?"
"I didn't know that either..."
I was drawn to information about my own school that I hadn't known. We were told to read through the material in about fifteen minutes and then appeal to the middle schoolers using our own words. It felt easier than memorizing a script.
While committing the details to memory, I glanced toward Wataru. Seeing him for the first time in a while, I noticed he was slightly tanned, and his hair color had faded back to its natural brownish tone. It looked right on him. I was probably just more used to seeing him that way.
"H-Hey... are you worried about Sajou?"
"Yeah..."
"Eh."
I think Sasaki-kun asked me something, but I had answered before I even realized it. When I turned my attention back to him, he had his lips pressed into a thin line as he stared down at his papers. Realizing the conversation wasn't going anywhere, I went back to my own materials.
Once the briefing ended, those of us acting as guides had to stay behind to finalize our plans. The Disciplinary Committee members, including Shinomiya-senpai, filed out of the room, and Wataru followed right behind them. I tried to move my mouth to return his earlier greeting, but Wataru didn't look my way again.