When Airi was born, I was still in elementary school.
She was my first sister. I still remember how happy I was—even at that young age—at the sight of that tiny, angelic life. I told myself I had to be strong now that I was a big sister. Fueled by that enthusiasm, I worked as hard as I could; my father and mother would hug me and tell me I was a good girl. Back then, in our brand-new house, I think I spent my days feeling truly fulfilled alongside Airi.
However, right around the time I graduated from elementary school, my father hit a major setback. He had tried to follow the lead of a former colleague who had supposedly struck it rich after changing careers, but he stumbled. There was no way he could crawl back to the job he had quit with such bravado, so for a while, he had to dedicate himself to a new job search. A year and a half later, he finally managed to find employment and got our lives back on track even more than before, but during that time when the house was still new, we went through what could only be described as a period of hardship.
My mother started working part-time a little over a year after giving birth to Airi. Worried about her health, I volunteered to help with the housework and began taking care of my own needs. No, given the situation, I suppose I didn’t really have a choice.
I would wake up early in the morning, start the laundry, and make my bento while the machine ran. After hanging the clothes in the yard, I’d get ready and head to middle school. When I got home, I’d ask my mother about the dinner menu, go grocery shopping, and then I’d look after Airi while my mother cooked.
On top of that, I had to deal with my own body changing through puberty and the overwhelming sense of instability and fear that came with it. I had to face all of it alone, and I gradually became fed up with my daily life.
My existence felt desiccated. The fact that I ever directed a scowl at the innocent Airi is a sin that I will never be able to forgive. That is precisely why, once peace was finally restored, I made a vow: I would pour every ounce of love I had into her as her big sister, both now and in the future. I had to make it up to her.
I think what was most painful for me was the gap between myself and those around me. The other girls were acting like typical middle schoolers—going out to new places, getting excited about trends and fashion, or talking about dramas and idols. While I envied them for being able to enjoy those things, I gradually found myself unable to relate to them. I kept turning down invitations to hang out just to keep the gears of my busy life turning.
"Something isn't right."
That thought first began to take root during the first semester of eighth grade. I had become a permanent resident of the classroom's shadows. I think I was on the verge of a rebellious phase, wondering why I was the only one stuck with such a miserable school life.
I was reaching my limit.
"Um, about yesterday! Thank you so much for helping me out!"
Wataru appeared at exactly that moment.
I remember it was the rainy season, and the vinyl floors had become quite slippery from the humidity. I hadn't had time to make a bento that day, so I was planning to have lunch in the cafeteria.
In the middle of that crowded cafeteria, a boy had spectacularly flipped the tray he was holding. It was no surprise; the floor was slick with moisture, and I’d been thinking to myself that it was only a matter of time before someone wiped out.
The boy just sat there on the floor, grimacing in pain and looking utterly dazed. I remember that for about five seconds, everyone around him looked the other way. With his hollow eyes and that air of despair toward the world around him, I felt a profound sense of sympathy for him.
Almost on instinct, I reached for the tray that had skidded across the floor and began picking up the broken dishes and food. I didn't say it out loud, but I think I was trying to encourage him with my eyes, thinking, This is awful, isn't it? I'm so sorry.
A cafeteria lady came running over with a squeegee and a dustpan. The three of us—including the boy—cleaned up the mess, and the incident ended without becoming a major scene.
"Natsukawa Aika-san. I fell in love with you at first sight because of that kindness. Will you go out with me?"
That happened three days later. Just like a scene from a manga or a drama, he called me out to a secluded spot behind the school building to confess his feelings. To be honest, at the time, I listened to him as if it were someone else's business.
Between my chores and my studies, the idea of dating someone was the last thing on my mind. Naturally, I turned Wataru down. But that was only the beginning of his relentless pursuit.
"It's the first time someone has treated me so sincerely."
After saying that, Wataru started showing up to see me every single day. With a new, bothersome presence added to my existing frustrations, I’m sure I threw some quite terrible words at him. But at the same time, Wataru saw the full extent of my irritation—he saw the shameful parts of me I tried to hide.
"—Natsukawa-san, could you help me with this problem for a second?"
"—Hey, can I call you by your first name? Please, let me call you that, I’m begging you!"
"—Aika, I’ll carry your bags, so let's walk together!"
The boy named Sajou Wataru kept following me around. Eventually, he even started showing up when I was grocery shopping after school; he was practically an open stalker. Ironically, his "onslaught" became a local legend in our grade, and my name became known to everyone because of it.
"Natsukawa-san, I heard some weird guy is following you around? That must be tough."
"It's not your fault Natsukawa-san is so cute! We'll protect you!"
I don't know if it was out of genuine sympathy or just curiosity, but before I knew it, people were talking to me all the time. They would worry about me whenever Wataru appeared, and from there, we gradually started chatting between classes.
When my mother took a day off from her part-time job, I went out to play with my classmates for the first time. Having heard about it from somewhere, Wataru showed up with a group of boys. All us girls ended up ganging up on them and teasing them; being rowdy like that was so much fun... It was truly wonderful.
Once we became third-years, there was a period where Wataru didn't talk to me much, and I focused on my entrance exams. I studied desperately alongside the other girls, aiming for Kouetsu High School because of its low tuition. It was a difficult time, but compared to the hollow days I’d spent before, it felt perfectly fine.
"I won't let my family carry this burden." Perhaps because that wish was sincere, my efforts were rewarded and I passed the exam for Kouetsu High School. What surprised me most was that on the day the results were posted, Wataru was waiting there with a smile.
He had been quiet lately, so I remember responding quite casually, saying, "Oh, you're going to the same high school? I'm glad you passed." I think there was even a sense of security in knowing a familiar face would be there.
Immediately after that, despite the crowd around us, Wataru blurted out something ridiculous.
"It's because I wanted to go to the same school as Aika!"
I hurriedly dragged him away to a secluded spot and scolded him emotionally. For some reason, he pleaded with me to at least let him keep calling me by my name, and I remember reluctantly agreeing.
On the day of the high school entrance ceremony, after school, Wataru confessed to me yet again. By that point, I had lost track of how many times he had done it. I had heard those same words so many times throughout middle school.
Even though those boring days were a thing of the past, the idea of "dating someone" still hadn't entered my mind. Beyond that, I was simply starting to find Wataru annoying. I thought he was being incredibly persistent, and I had stopped even trying to listen to him.
When high school life began, Wataru started following me around again. The students sitting near me were wide-eyed with surprise at his incredibly blunt approach. Among them was a girl named Kei Ashida.
"Natsukawa-san, you're quite the popular one, aren't you?"
"He's just following me around..."
I intended to reply with a look of disgust, but Kei just chuckled and kept talking to me. She eventually became the best friend to whom I introduced Airi first. She’s incredibly reliable. And just like in middle school, other students started talking to me out of sympathy for my "Wataru problem."
It wasn't exactly my ideal, but it was a world away from middle school. With those expectations in my heart, I started my high school life. I felt like my past hardships were finally being rewarded with a fulfilling daily routine. I couldn't join a club because of my responsibilities at home, but I still got to go out with the girls occasionally. Back then, I was sure I was satisfied.
"---I'm sorry, Natsukawa."
It was so sudden. I didn't understand.
I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. He had followed me around of his own accord, and then he left without me ever asking him to. Just like that, Wataru put distance between us. In the immediate aftermath, I didn't feel any shock. I felt relieved, thinking, "Finally, I can have a peaceful life."
That’s how it was supposed to be.
And yet.