"Mmm... huh?"
...Oh, crap. This was it, wasn't it? I’d actually conked out. This was exactly that situation where the moment I lifted my head, the teacher would hit me with a sarcastic, "Good mor-ning." I’d really messed up this time.
Wait, how long was I out? I tried to listen closely—huh? Did the sound seem far away? It felt like my ears were stuffed with cotton... was I just imagining it?
No, I could hear it. That slightly pretentious way of speaking... it was the World History Teacher. He was the guy with the nineties-style bangs and the surprisingly entertaining lecture style. Whenever I was totally lost in class, I’d just spend the whole time staring at his hair. I was pretty sure he used hairspray to keep it in place... I wondered if he’d snap if I tried to blow on it. Yeah, he definitely would.
Anyway, since this was World History, it had to be third period. I’d been out for a while... Ah, I bet our homeroom teacher, Ohtsuki-chan, was going to hear about this, and then it’d get passed to Nakamura from Student Guidance, and then I’d get chewed out...
...Oh, the sound of chalk. The teacher was probably facing the blackboard right now, so if I was going to look up, it was now or never. Yeah, I had to move now. I’d just act like I’d been awake the whole time and play it cool. Here we go. One, two...
...Wait, huh? That was weird. I couldn't even lift my face, let alone my head. No, seriously. It wasn't that I didn't want to move, it was just that I thought I could do it with way less effort... wait, was my head always this heavy? Well, whatever, let's just get it up. Alright, one, two—
"Urgh... ah..."
...Yeah, this was bad. My head was pounding—it really, really hurt. It was a headache so bad I had to say it twice in my mind. The front of my skull felt especially awful. Earth's gravity and the light hitting my eyes were nothing but pure agony. Sensory overload... sensory overload was trying to kill me! Why was I giving a play-by-play of my own demise...?
Ah, I see. So that was why everything sounded muffled. I’d definitely come down with something. Right, right.
"—jou-chi."
Ah, Ashida just whispered my name, I was sure of it. Why did my intuition have to get so sharp at a time like this? Sorry, but I didn't exactly have the energy to respond right now.
"—Ngh."
Yep, my head was wobbling. What was this? Had I reverted to a newborn who couldn't hold his own head up? No way. The pain was just robbing me of my sense of balance. Wait... was this actually more serious than I thought...?
"Are you finally awake, Sajou-kun?"
"Ah—"
Busted. Totally busted. Gack, the teacher actually came all the way over to my desk. Well, of course he did. If someone was fast asleep during his lecture, he’d want to get at least one jab in. Also, looking down, I realized I was still in my gym uniform. There was no way I wouldn't stand out when I was the only one in a tracksuit.
"I’ve heard about the circumstances regarding your clothes. I understand why you might be sulking, but that doesn't give you an excuse to skip out on the lesson."
"...Yessir."
"From now on, please come to school prepared for such troubles."
"...Yes. Um..."
"What is it?"
"Can I go to the Health Room...?"
The words came out more smoothly than I expected. Maybe because the cold was just starting, my throat hadn't been hit yet. Where does your cold start? For me, it's the head.
Ah... but maybe I shouldn't have said that during class. It made me stand out. Asking for the Health Room made it sound like something major was happening. I could have just sat there and pretended to listen, so maybe I should have waited until the end of the period.
The teacher looked at me with a slightly surprised expression, but surprisingly, he seemed to take me seriously.
"Very well. However, make sure to review today's material before the next class."
"I will..."
I put some strength into my body and tried to stand up, then realized—yeah, if I’d missed this timing, it would have been disaster. My body was heavier than I’d imagined. This was no time to be stubborn about not wanting to draw attention.
"Up... whoa, whoa—whoa-whoa-whoa!?"
"Wait!? Sajo—"
"Guh...!"
A loud crashing sound echoed through the room. I didn't feel pain, but the sensation of my brain being rattled made the back of my nose sting sharply. I didn't really know what position I was in or what state I was in. But since a pained sound had escaped my mouth, I’d probably slammed right into the classroom door.
"—chi!! Are you—!?"
"Wait—! Someone—!!"
What was I doing...? This was only going to draw more eyes. I had to get up quickly and get to the Health Room... wait, where was I supposed to put strength to move my arms again? That was weird, maybe I was actually in pretty bad shape. Wait, what was I doing just now? Eh, am I on a bed? Am I lying down? Oh, well, that was fine then. I was kind of sleepy, so I’d just rest for a bit—
◆
When I entered eighth grade, I started putting on a facade for the first time.
The reason was simply because "everyone else was doing it." To my surprise, even someone like me, who tended to be a bit of an outcast, was able to blend in with those around him and joke around. From then on, I continued doing it as if I were just giving it a trial run.
I decided not to reveal my true feelings about anything. I took a cynical stance and looked at everything with a jaded perspective. And while I was putting on a surface-level act, I realized something. Ah, so this is what it means to become an adult. We, who are losing the purity of "childhood," can't become friends in a pure way anymore, so we create another self and use it as a shield to protect our true selves. That’s how I went about increasing the number of people I was close to, as if feeling my way through the dark.
However, I, who "wasn't an adult yet," couldn't always maintain that. Surely, everyone around me was going through that same phase.
For me at that time, the main field where I could maintain my facade was the classroom. Before I got used to it, the moment I stepped even one foot outside and was alone, I would degenerate back into a "tarnished child." I suppose that was my lapse in vigilance.
It had been raining continuously then, too.
A loud metallic clatter. Scattered food and dishes. It was nothing special; I had just slipped more spectacularly than anyone else in the Cafeteria, where the floor had become slippery from the humidity. Now, even if someone saw me fail like that, I’d probably just think, "Oh man, I don't know who that is, but they really blew it."
But I was different back then. At a time when I was incredibly concerned about how others perceived me, I was terrified of being called "uncool," even if it was just what they thought in their hearts. The fact that everyone around me stopped what they were doing and no one moved when they saw me mess up only made it worse. It couldn't be helped; everyone else was probably in the same phase of life as I was.
In that interval, which probably didn't even last a second, I think I was about to run away before my face could be seen, as if to embody my own immaturity.
That was when it happened. As if to say she wouldn't let me do that, a certain female student called out to me. I still remember how I forgot to move and was intensely captivated by her.
It didn't take long for me to get to know her and for me to be swallowed up by that Bottomless Swamp.
◆
I didn't have the luxury of worrying about whether I recognized the ceiling in my field of vision or not. At most, I could only manage to alleviate the obvious nausea by clenching my teeth and scowling.
"Ugh... damn it."
I must have been in the worst shape possible. A string of curses that I wouldn't normally say escaped my lips, directed at my own bad Luck. When I thought about the rain and humidity being the source of it all, it made me feel even more miserable.
"Are you awake?"
"...Mnh...?"
While I still couldn't even open my eyes, someone spoke to me. A faint smell of medicine. Is this... the Health Room? I didn't remember it well, but apparently, I’d managed to get here frantically somehow. When I opened my eyelids, I saw a middle-aged female teacher I’d seen somewhere before.
"I'm Ms. Shindo, the school nurse. It's been since this morning when I took your wet uniform, hasn't it?"
"Ah, hello..."
"Do you remember? Apparently, you collapsed in the classroom. You were carried here by several people, you know?"
"..."
I hadn't managed to get here on my own at all. And I was carried? Oh dear, I wonder if they touched me anywhere strange—I sure had a lot of leeway... was I really in that much pain...?
No, I didn't remember it at all. I remembered thinking I had to go to the Health Room, but I had no idea what happened after that.
I shook my head at Ms. Shindo.
"Do I have a cold...?"
"Yes. 38.6°C. No runny nose or cough yet... does your throat hurt? Your fever will probably still go up from here."
"Seriously...?"
Must be my daily karma... it’d been a long time since I’d been hit with a disaster like this. This was a heavy one, the likes of which I hadn't seen in years. I’d always prided myself on having a relatively strong body, but I guess everyone has their breaking point... ah, my head hurts.
"Sigh... I was totally fine until this morning..."
"Maybe it's a case of the thread finally snapping? I heard you were splashed by a car, but even without that, I think it was only a matter of time."
"Eh...?"
"Sudden feverish symptoms are a form of self-defense due to injury or a decline in immunity. Immunity also drops due to fatigue. Weren't you tired?"
Well, I wasn't injured... Eh? Was I tired? I hadn't really been doing any intense exercise or anything...
"Not physical fatigue, but perhaps mental exhaustion. Sometimes the person themselves doesn't even realize it. It's common among working adults."
"A corporate slave..."
"Is that a prediction of your future?"
"Guh..."
Mental exhaustion... That was weird. Even though I couldn't think of anything at all, for some reason, the realization settled right into my chest. There was a part of me that was convinced, thinking, Ah, so that's what it is. Even if I tried to think about what exactly that "exhaustion" was, no answer came to mind.
"Sleep for now. Tell me if you're too hot or too cold."
"Okay..."
I wasn't sleepy anymore. With a dazed head, I stared blankly at the ceiling. It felt similar to the sensation I had when I was once on an IV drip for some reason. The smell of medicine, the light of the fluorescent lamps. And the ceiling with those irregular patterns that looked like insect bites... you could easily poke a hole in those if you hit them with a broom handle...
I could tell my head was empty. Depending on how I focused, I could stop hearing the sound of the rain. Even though I should have been suffering from the headache, staring at the ceiling without thinking about anything somehow began to feel comfortable.
The heart can't stop suddenly either.