"I want some Haagen..."
"Shortening it like that makes it sound weirdly cool..."
When you're struggling, even the cheap stuff is enough to make you happy, right? So why go out of your way to name something two tiers above the rest? Was a budget ice cream bar not good enough? And for that matter, why are Häagen-Dazs containers regularly appearing in our kitchen trash can? I'm certainly not the one eating them.
The karma of Haagen runs deep. On the other hand, the Suika-bar is a warm ice cream, filled with childhood memories and nostalgic flavor. Despite being a frozen treat, it feels cozy. I haven't had one in years, though.
Ashida was slumped over her desk. Even though we were in the middle of a lesson, she kept thumping the back of my chair—and by extension, my backside—with her feet, complaining about the heat. My rear was starting to get warm, too. Honestly, I’d prefer it if she used her hands to interact with me like a proper normie... Teacher, there’s bullying happening in this classroom. Sob.
Later, when I tossed a small ice pack—the kind that comes with a cup of ice cream—onto Ashida’s back, I received a powerful spike to the head. As expected of the Volleyball Club; she drove me straight into the floor.
During the break before the next period, I was messing around on my phone when a shadow fell across the corner of my vision. Turning only my awareness toward the edge of my sight, I realized who it was immediately.
"───Hey."
Hoh, the Goddess. She has descended. This was the first time we’d been this close since the switch to summer uniforms. Dammit, I wanted to turn around and stare my fill right now. But I couldn't look directly at her—my eyes would melt! Note: They won't.
"Hey, listen!"
"Melt—wait, me?"
"...Yes, you."
I realized she had placed her hands on my desk. Knowing Natsukawa, I’d assumed she had business with Ashida behind me. Pushing aside the jokes swelling in my head, I turned toward Natsukawa. Guh, even so, this is quite the stimulus...!
"U-umu... What is it?"
"Sajocchi, you're acting suspicious."
"Natsukawa, please tell me what you need quickly. My body won't hold out."
"I'm not insecticide, you know."
"And I'm not a bug..."
I thought it was a common-sense retort, but it had quite the edge. Sharp as hell, lol. How can she treat someone like a bug with such a straight face? Even if she were faking it, she could at least make it look intentional so I’d know it was a joke... Wait, she’s not faking? Fine then, I'm going to stare.
"...560 points."
"Then you're a 49."
"Um... could I get maybe one more point...?"
She’s really going for the kill at the last second... Usually, wouldn't you try to let the person barely survive? This is like slamming on the brakes so you stop right at the edge of the cliff, only to have the car tilt and fall anyway. Hey, what are you snickering for? Dammit, she's cute... 600 points.
"Well, whatever. So? What's up, Natsukawa?"
"Heh...!?"
"...?"
The Goddess's smile vanished instantly. She looked startled and started flusteredly panicking for some reason. Uh... did I mess up the timing? If I’d stayed quiet, Natsukawa would’ve just kept giggling. If I’d let her be, I could’ve watched her for longer... Dammit.
"Er, Natsukawa...?"
"U-um, well... You, see, um..."
"Yeah."
Natsukawa seemed incredibly restless. She was acting even more suspicious than I was, and I was the one looking at her with impure intentions. What on earth is—mm-gh!? Isn't Natsukawa's face getting really red!? What's going on!? What is the meaning of this!?
"After this──um... my, place, is, er..."
"..."
"U-u-u..."
"...???"
I really didn't understand anymore. Before I knew it, I was tilting my head, trying to parse the situation. No, wait, think harder, me. Think about what Natsukawa is trying to tell me. I can do this; how many years do you think I've been a Natsukawa scholar?! There's nothing I don't know! I will... uncover this truth!
"───C-Creepy."
"Gah...!"
"Aichi!?"
"Ah, no──"
"Sajocchi?! Are you breathing?! You're not dead, right?!"
I could feel my consciousness fading. It was a short life... If I have any regrets, it's the computer in my room. I wonder if it could explode in sync with my heart stopping. If it did, I could go on a trip to hell or wherever without a care in the world. Eh, heaven? Is it okay if someone like me goes there, God?!
"He-hey, Aichi...! Even Sajocchi is a human, you know?!"
"No, I am a full-fledged human. What do you mean 'even'?"
Hearing words I couldn't just let slide, I accidentally came back to life. What is with this girl? Is she a genius at making people look serious? Why can she make a face like, 'I totally covered for you!'? Don't give me that "hmpf." Hey, stop with the smug face.
"Natsukawa, please forgive me already... I won't be a nuisance."
"N-nobody said anything about you being a nuisance..."
Eh, that's not it? I fully expected she’d come all the way to my desk just to get revenge for everything up until now... Wait, could it be that "creepy" from earlier was intended as a reward? If so, I don't feel like I can go on living. I can't take it...
"T-that's..."
"..."
I suppressed the urge to ask what it was, then decided to stay quiet and wait for Natsukawa's words. In all seriousness, if I just listened, I'd surely hear it eventually. While I was resisting the urge to let a grin spread across my face, Natsukawa looked at me, made a disgusted face, and took a couple of steps back.
"...Should I just die?"
"What are you muttering?! Hey, Aichi!"
"Wa-wah?! Wait, Kei...!"
Ashida stood up vigorously. Grabbing both of Natsukawa's shoulders from the front, she pushed her straight out into the hallway. I could hear Ashida shouting something and Natsukawa sounding panicked. I wonder what on earth is happening.
"What exactly is going on?"
"...Eh, Sasaki? Is that you, Sasaki!"
"What's with that reaction? You sound like we're old classmates meeting for the first time in a decade..."
It wasn't just Sasaki; lately, I've been sticking to staying inconspicuous, so I haven't been acting like an idiot with the guys as much. Especially Yamazaki; just by not talking to him for a while, I feel like I've become smarter than I was back then. Just how massive is that guy's influence...?
"It's summer now, so the Soccer Club looks like it's having a rough time. Are you still acting like an idiot with Yamazaki?"
"Don't lump me in with him. It's insulting."
"Yamazaki-kyun..."
Poor Yamazaki. To have even his good friend Sasaki say something like that. Truly pitiful... or so I thought, but considering Nee-chan, Natsukawa, Ashida, and everything else lately, I'm overwhelmingly more pitiful. Even though I modestly pride myself on being normal, why am I treated as less than human? I am a primate. Basically a gorilla.
"Sajou."
"Hmm...?"
"Airi-chan was adorable."
"Say... what...?"
...Ah, Natsukawa's younger sister. For a second, I wondered who he meant. Because Sasaki said it so smoothly, I thought he meant he'd 'cherished' a girlfriend in a different sense. For that matter, doesn't this guy have a girlfriend? He's a total sports-type handsome guy. If I had his face, I would... I really wouldn't hold back at all!
While I was overreacting, a message arrived on my phone. What is it now... Sasaki?
Sasaki had sent a photo of himself with Natsukawa's younger sister. Oh, she's really taken to him; he's lived up to his role as a surrogate older brother. And Airi-chan really is cute. No doubt she'll grow up to be a beauty no less than Natsukawa herself.
I see, so that's how it is...
"I'm going to tell on you to Yuki-chan."
"Ah! Idiot, stop! Hey, don't save that photo!"
"You've underestimated your own sister's brocon tendencies, Sasaki! Yuki-chan is the type of person who would exchange messages with me or Yamazaki just for your sake!"
"A... Ahhh...!"
Well, I was the one who started joking, but was it really that bad? It’s not like I told on him just to be mean. I mean, being a brocon is cute. I wish I had a cute little sister like Yuki-chan; I'd want her to crawl into my bed at night. Oh, a reply came.
『Thank you for the photo. I will also become a little girl.』
Hoh, ah, I see. Become a little girl──mm-mm-mm?
What does that mean? Is she going to drink APTX-whatever? I'm pretty sure he said she was a middle schooler. If she drinks that, she might go past being a little girl and end up back as a baby... If she talked clearly in a body like that, her parents would probably run for the hills.
I don't really get it, but it looks like something's about to happen to Sasaki that'll require a family meeting. The kind that's actually not a joke. Have you noticed? His sister is that kind of girl.