Fidget, fidget...
I had to wait until the machine was finally ready for a human pilot.
Fidget, fidget...
Is it ready yet? Is it ready yet?
"You're being annoying!"
While I was fidgeting around the dining hall as Wifey made yakisoba, she snapped at me.
"Just wait already!"
"Yes, ma'am!"
So, I waited.
I waited for several weeks.
Eventually, the transition from full AI control to a manned configuration was complete. You might think it’s stronger to just flood the field with pilotless AI units, but that’s not quite how it works. If you’re going for pure AI control, you’re better off just increasing the number of conventional fighters or drones. They’re simply more efficient for that.
A Humanoid Fighter has such a broad range of applications that it’s actually better to have a human at the controls. Our job includes everything an infantryman would do. People often say, "If you're going to build a bipedal infantry robot, you might as well just mount a Pulse Machine Gun on a tank drone the size of a radio-controlled car."
Plus, infantry are cheap. Even with a declining birthrate, the fact that anyone who isn't one of the highly skilled professionals gets treated as expendable remains the same no matter where you go. The role of a Humanoid Fighter is to do everything, almost as if embodying that particular tragedy of human society.
Naturally, Edge and his team boarded before I did. They finished their missions without a hitch, but they left me with some unsettling feedback.
"This thing moves even better than we expected..."
"What do you mean, moves better?" I asked.
"The response speed is incredible, but it's more than that. It moves as if it has a mind of its own."
"Like, it's correcting your movements automatically?"
"No, not exactly... it just produces better results than I anticipate."
It didn't sound like a bad thing, per se.
"I’m going to go see Kyoko."
"Hey, did you hear? They’re saying the movements might be getting corrected."
"I heard," Kyoko replied. "And I specifically set the controls to manual, too."
"Is it... that occult stuff? Like Zashiki-warashi or something?"
"I’ve reviewed the entire system to ensure there’s no such influence. I built this thing from scratch! There’s nothing in the logs for the processors or the auxiliary storage units either."
"Fair enough..."
I wondered what it was. Well, it didn't seem like a bad thing, so it was probably fine. I decided to stop worrying about it.
After another two weeks of verification, it was finally my turn to board.
Yes!
The interior of the cockpit was... well, yeah. There was a Zashiki-warashi shrine, paper charms handwritten by Suematsu-san, and a storage unit for a Himorogi-chan sapling.
Do they really think I’m the only one who can handle this?
"Well, I’m sure it won’t be a problem for the Lord Groom," someone remarked.
"That's cold!"
Even Momo-chan the Pome had a job to do. She had to "beep" a mysterious, stone-tablet-like device with her paw. Kyoko contacted me over the comms.
"In the end, we couldn't figure out exactly how the authentication device works. However, we believe it’s unlikely that Momo-chan would do anything to harm Your Majesty."
"I guess so."
That was certainly a persuasive argument.
Momo-chan stayed with Helga at the ruins. Guarding Helga was a squad from the Space Raiders, an elite unit commanded by Huma-san. They were one of the finest groups in the Galactic Empire, and they were generally light on the gag comedy.
I also deployed my Ninja Squad as gag characters. I didn't put you guys there because I trust your skills; I put you there to destroy any lingering sense of seriousness. You understand, right? I am a very strict Lord when it comes to my Ninjas.
Also... I was so glad I scouted Helga.
"Alright, Momo-chan, if you please!"
"Woof!"
She tapped the authentication device with her front paw. Suddenly, a massive rumble shook the ruins.
"Wait, what?"
"No, no, this is scary."
Already seated inside Unit 05, I was filled with nothing but anxiety.
"Ah... um... so, I have an announcement," Kyoko said.
"What is it, Kyoko? Just be honest, I won't lose it."
"...Well, it seems the ancient Planet-class Battleships, whose activation methods were previously unknown, have all powered up at once."
Stay calm, Leo!
"...What about the workers?"
"They were inside when it happened, so they're safe. I'm sending the video feed to you now..."
With a heavy vibration, the planet began to split open. It looked like the very surface of the planet and the subterranean bedrock had been converted into armor. Wait, how are we even supposed to fight something like that? I have no idea! That’s a total cheat! It’s a monster that flagrantly violates every regulation in the book.
Then, from the gap in the surface, a giant turret slid out. It was so massive it looked like it could sink a planet-class Zork in a single shot.
"The barrels are probably degraded, so don't you dare fire that thing!" I shouted.
"I know!"
"Seriously, don't do it! Don't push the button! Whatever you do, don't—"
"Stop it!" Kyoko scolded me.
Then, another report came in.
"Lady Mio has appeared! She says she’s here to watch!"
My niece—the one who narrowly avoided being named Doremi-chan—had arrived. She was starting to act quite like a little girl lately. On the live video feed, she was floating in mid-air, doing the "Dancing Baby." It was a dance from a magical girl anime for young girls currently airing this season. Apparently, she's a huge fan of anime.
Putting that aside... I prepared for the end. We were hitting a jackpot of things I couldn't control!
"Uncle Leo, do your best!"
Mio seemed to have gained a better understanding of this world lately. Her speech style was becoming more casual—it seemed she was learning the language from anime. I also heard she was solving those technical drawing toys by moving the pieces with psychokinesis. She's such a terrifying genius!
I gave her a big grin.
"Un-Uncle will do his b-best!" I gave her a thumbs up.
The next instant, I accelerated with a violent surge. And I'd only just launched!
"I-I can't control it... wait, what?"
I could control it. Even at a speed where my vision couldn't distinguish what was inches in front of me, I understood. It was a sensation as if my entire nervous system had unified with the machine.
"Your Majesty! The output is too high! Abort the experiment—"
"It's fine! No problem!"
This was incredible. I could feel everything in a three-hundred-and-sixty-degree radius around me. I didn't even need to feed the information back into my visual cortex.
I was experiencing something like the absolute pinnacle of martial arts. Every single sensor reading was being processed as a skin sensation. This sense of omnipotence... it was dangerous. This was likely what they call a "demon realm." It’s that state where someone confuses the flood of in-brain drugs from meditation for actual enlightenment. If I let myself go like this on a battlefield, I’d just charge into the enemy and die.
I had to view this as the first stage of awakening. In other words, I needed to flatten this excitement through sheer willpower. Nothingness... I had to aim for the pinnacle of nothingness. That’s right, aim for a void without noise...
“Micchan pooped her pants, pooped her pants...”
...Oh... Goddamn it.
A crude playground song that every kid probably learns at some point started playing in my head of its own accord.
I grinned.
"I TOLD YOU IT WAS A MISTAKE TO TRY AND KEEP ME OUT OF THE GAG SPACE—!!"
My scream echoed through the vacuum of space.