"His Majesty—the idiot—has escaped!"
"How did he just vanish when he was standing right in front of us!?" Huma-san shrieked.
"Contacting the Ninja unit... 'Heh heh heh, Kawagon is the strongest ninja in history, having mastered the Secret Arts of the Ninja. Capture is impossible,' they report."
"Is that guy a complete moron!?"
As a matter of fact, I was currently lurking in the crawl space between floors, utilizing Lepsitol Ninja Art: 'Attic Walker.'
I maneuvered through the gaps with ease until I reached the underground parking lot. My bike was right where I’d hidden it. A beautiful American bike!
Alright, time to roll.
"Ah! Your Majesty!"
"Later, Huma-Pops!" I shouted over my shoulder.
"You bastard!"
Vroom!
I roared out of there on the American bike. I had a full-face helmet with a skull printed on it, though I hadn't been able to find a studded leather jacket to match; I was still stuck in my Private Second Class uniform. Well, it would have to do.
"Wait, Leo-kun! Shouldn't you wait for the official investigation!?"
"Our intelligence department isn't that incompetent," I replied to the Fairy. "We’ve already flagged the idiots living in disproportionate luxury. It’s just that the investigation hadn't quite narrowed down whether it was simple debt, bribes, or embezzlement yet. There were just too many cases to process at once."
"Wait, then what are you planning to do!?"
"Isn't it obvious? I'm going to barge in and beat every last one of them to a pulp! Honestly, keep up. First stop: the Governor's residence here in the capital. It’s the closest."
"Gyaaaaaaaah! That's right, Rikochi! Rikochi, stop him! Your husband has snapped because he's hungry!"
Me... take back food. Not forgive!
At full throttle, I made a dynamic entry, crashing the bike right through the window of the Governor's residence.
"Delivery! Did someone order a pizza!?"
Crash!
Soldiers from the Parcion Capital Army came swarming in immediately. I yanked off my skull helmet and tossed it aside.
"Say my name!"
"L-Leo Kamishiro Chronos... Y-Your Majesty... W-Why are you here?"
"Are you the ones stealing the food budget?" I asked, cracking my knuckles with a series of sickening pops.
"R-Run! Lock the doors!"
Ah, they were running. So that’s how they wanted to play it.
I tapped on the wall experimentally. Hmm, no concrete reinforcement in this one. I dropped into a half-crouch and rested my hands on my waist. I clenched my fists, but kept them loose. Tension is the enemy of speed; you only apply force at the moment of impact.
My back muscles felt fluid, like water. I tightened my glutes to transform myself into a fixed turret, while keeping my hip joints as flexible as high-end suspension.
I took a deep breath. Then I exhaled with explosive force.
"Daryaaaaaaaa!"
I unleashed a blurring barrage of punches. I didn't use raw strength; I simply fired my fists like a machine gun. My abdominals vibrated, and my hips absorbed the recoil of every ejection. The entire volley hit the wall in the space of a single breath. The structure stood no chance against that kind of pressure; it simply disintegrated.
"Whew..."
I stepped calmly through the newly made hole and out into the hallway.
"T-The monster broke through the wall!"
"W-We have no choice! F-Fire!"
As if those would hit me! I used the ninja movements I’d picked up in Lepsitol, leaping into the air, kicking off the ceiling, and diving toward them.
Cross chop!
"What!? He's moving too fast to aim!"
"Suppress the area! Bring out the squad support weapon!"
Wow, using a light machine gun against one person? That’s the attitude we're taking, then? I grabbed one of the soldiers and hoisted him over my head.
"Lepsitol Ninja Art: Human Missile!"
"S-Stop! Gyaaaaaaaah!"
I hurled him straight at the idiots trying to set up the machine gun.
"D-Dammit! That guy thinks he can get away with anything as long as he puts the words 'Ninja Art' in front of it!"
"Screw this! Nobody told me how to fight a freak like that!"
"The drones! Deploy the drones!"
"Shuriken!"
I called them shuriken, but they were actually kunai. I’d brought a whole stash of them. I picked off the drones one by one, my throws never missing their mark.
"I'm done! I hate this King!"
"Where is the Governor!?" I roared.
Anyone who dared resist was beaten to a pulp where they stood.
"Ahahaha! Go back and start over as a Private Second Class!"
Once I’d thrashed a sufficient number of them, the rest lost their nerve and surrendered. Honestly, they had no backbone.
I made my way to the Governor's private dining hall, where I found a lavish full-course meal laid out. Look, I don’t forbid state dinners or hosting dignitaries from other planets. If you host a pathetic meeting, the country looks weak. Those are necessary expenses. Even we have to attend formal parties, though usually we're too busy to eat and end up cooking something for ourselves afterward. Why does a cup of instant noodles taste so heavenly after a stuffy gala?
...But that wasn't the point! The unforgivable thing was that this Governor—this absolute pig—was eating a full course all by himself!
Who does that? Was he stupid? Look, if he weren't embezzling and had gone to a private restaurant on his own dime, I wouldn't be this angry. But why was he having the official residence's chef whip up a private banquet? And he wasn't even finishing it!
"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" I asked, my expression probably looking like something out of a horror movie.
"N-No, well, you see..."
"Heh. You're eating better than I am, and I'm the King of Chronos." I dipped a finger into the sauce and took a taste. Galactic Empire-style seasoning. I’ve never said being a gourmet was a crime—as long as you pay for it yourself.
"Um... well... Y-Your Majesty, this is! That's it! It’s just leftovers from yesterday's meeting!"
"Fairy-san, that’s what the Governor is claiming."
"It is a lie," she replied instantly. "Yesterday was a holiday. In fact, this man hasn't performed a single shred of productive work lately."
"Hmm..."
"W-Well..."
"Tell me, Governor," I said, leaning in. "What happened to the money meant to feed the children?"
I place a massive priority on child welfare. No matter how much of a waste of space the adults are, the children are innocent. They are the ones who will carry the future. To put it pragmatically, they are a nation's most vital resource. That was why I was pouring money into Parcion, to fix their atrocious nutritional standards.
"N-No, well, that's..."
I picked up a fork, gripped it tight, and slammed it down, stabbing it deep into the table. "Hey. I'm waiting. Speak."
Just then, the Space Raiders burst through the doors.
"Stop right there, Private! Don't kill him!"
Why was everyone pointing their guns at me?
"I'm not going to kill him. We’re just having a chat."
"Like hell you are! The guards outside are half-dead!" Huma-san shouted as he hurried over.
"Huma-san... I'm telling you! It’s not just the embezzlement! I'm pissed because you bastards took it way too far!"
Huma-san turned and practically wept to Wifey. "Empress! He’s completely snapped. And worse, his logic is sound, so I can't even argue with him!"
"I see!" Veronica declared. "Huma, arrest everyone! I hereby command the elite Space Raiders: sweep away the evil alongside the Lord Groom!"
"That’s my Wifey! I love you!"
And so began the Great Purge, an event that would later be known as the "Incident of the Space Monster Charging into the Governor's Official Residence over Stolen Potatoes," or more simply, the "Great Uesama Rampage Incident."