It was night.
Since I’d managed to survive the bike race without a scratch, we held an after-party outside the Parcion Chronos Army Dormitory.
Cool Daddy’s barbecue was already a masterpiece in the making. The sausages were perfect, too. As I grilled the yakisoba, Fairy suddenly reported to me, laughing her head off.
"Good news for Leo-kun! Parcion’s Despair Level has plummeted!"
"What’s that supposed to mean?" It was the first I’d heard of such a thing.
"We measured it using technology provided by Rosaria," she explained.
"And what happens when the Despair Level drops?"
"It looks like you and Tatiana-chan get a power-up. Honestly, the Jesters themselves are invasive organisms that fundamentally alter the environment."
"They’re basically just crayfish then!"
I started handing out the yakisoba to everyone. Meanwhile, Kevin and Nina-san were busy flipping okonomiyaki. The barbecue was rapidly descending into a state of chaotic bliss. Amidst the madness, Wifey stood up.
"Listen up, everyone! There were some irregularities, but the Bike Race Tournament was a success!"
"Ooooooooooh!"
I cheered along with the rest, thrusting my dual-wielded spatulas into the air.
"Even the primary culprit seems pleased," Wifey continued. "Though I suppose the blame lies with me for making him ride seriously in the first place."
"That’s not true, Wifey! I love you so much!"
"So he says... However, the fact that the Lord Groom emerged unscathed this time makes me uneasy. Everyone, keep a close watch on him."
"That’s cold! You make it sound like I’m always getting hurt."
Everyone turned to look at me in unison.
"Ah... right. I’ll be careful."
Seriously, give me a break. I wasn't about to do anything that stupid. Honestly...
Whirr, whirr.
"Go, Leo! Pull ahead!"
Whenever three men get together, idiocy is a statistical certainty. Right there in the dormitory, the Office Chair Race began. Even the Imperial Guard joined in. We sat in our office chairs and raced down the hallways, competing for the fastest lap time. Since alcohol was involved, everyone’s brains were mush.
I, however, was strictly banned from drinking. If I happened to have a fracture that the scanners missed, alcohol would only delay the recovery.
"Nyaa!"
Whirr!
I was locked in a dead heat with Nakajima.
"Nuu! Rosaria will not be defeated!"
The Rosaria Imperial Guard charged into the fray as well, spinning like tops as they surged forward. Then, Nakajima misjudged a turn and went sliding across the floor.
"Fuhahahaha!"
I pointed at her and laughed my head off—until I realized I wasn't looking where I was going. I dove straight into the stairwell. I went tumbling down to the floor below with a rhythmic series of bone-jarring crashes.
"Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!"
"LEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Eddy screamed.
I managed to break my fall well enough. I didn't hit my head, and my cervical spine was intact. Only my chest and leg were screaming in pain.
"Heh... as if I’d get hurt from something like—"
Then the office chair I’d been riding fell out of the air and landed directly on me.
"...Oh, crap."
Crash.
Just like that, I was hauled off on a stretcher and sent to the Chronos Field Hospital. Apparently, the rest of the men and the Rosaria Imperial Guard voluntarily threw themselves into the punishment cells out of guilt.
"I no longer have words for you," Wifey said, looking utterly exasperated.
"No, really, I am incredibly sorry this time."
"Leo... I suppose doing stupid things is unavoidable for you. It’s just the way you are. But you really shouldn't cause so much trouble for everyone else, should you?" Claire-mama scolded.
"Claire-mamaaaa!"
"Ahahahaha! I wanted to join in!" Melissa chimed in. I wished she’d stop; I was probably getting lectured on her behalf, too.
"Dear... I’ll take very good care of you," Ren whispered. I might have inadvertently sparked something dangerous within her. She looked entirely too determined to nurse me.
"Leo... you really are an idiot," Kevin sighed, looking beyond fed up. "Three broken ribs!"
"Ah—right. So, it’s the corset life for me?"
"Exactly. And you’re attending the car race opening ceremony in that corset!"
I had a feeling people were going to mistake it for an injury from the bike race. I hated looking so weakened. Wait... come to think of it, was I forgetting something? What was it? Well, whatever.
I attended the opening ceremony strapped into my corset. Since my leg bone had a crack in it, I was also on crutches. I could technically walk, but they told me that if I relied too much on nanomachines, my natural healing power would atrophy, so I had to heal this one the old-fashioned way.
I even had to pay for the treatment costs myself. The Chronos Army Health Insurance covered some of it, but the insurance representative gave me a legendary earful. I didn't need the painkillers anymore, but they insisted I keep using the crutches.
The crowd greeted my appearance with visible shock. As expected, they assumed I’d suffered a catastrophic injury during the race. I couldn't tell them the truth. I couldn't tell them that I’d fallen down the stairs during an office chair race after the party. Even Lou-chan's Mama told me the incident was "unfit for broadcast."
In any case, all I had to do was act dignified in the VIP seats and wave my hand. There was nothing to worry about. I sat with Wifey and waved to the masses.
"Hahaha!"
By the way... was I really not forgetting something?
"Hey, Wifey. Am I forgetting something?"
"What is it, Lord Groom? You’re starting to scare me."
"I’ve had this feeling like a fish bone is stuck in my throat for a while now."
Wifey made a sour face and turned to an Imperial Guard Knight. "...Call Saijo."
Today, Saijo-kun was dressed in a female officer’s military uniform. Well, he was an Imperial Guard Knight, after all.
"Empress, Saijo has arrived," he announced.
Man, he was cool. He possessed a level of composure that you couldn't shake out of me even if you hung me upside down by my ankles.
"Lord Groom, explain it to him," Wifey commanded.
"Am I forgetting something?" I asked.
"Pardon?"
"No, see, I’ve got this nagging feeling, like a bone stuck in my throat—"
"...This is serious!?" Saijo-kun exclaimed.
"Right? I’m counting on you."
"All units, initiate maximum security protocols! Contact the Chronos Army immediately!"
It was turning into a massive ordeal, but... Eddy was about to start the race, so I wondered if he’d be alright. I was worried.
Eddy’s car was a dedicated racing model. Open-cockpit formula cars were banned because people would undoubtedly die, so this was a closed-wheel race on a public road course that was much longer than the bike race circuit. There was no pressure on Eddy to win. He was just part of the casual group. I really wanted him to enjoy himself.
"The performance of His Excellency Eddy Anheim, the right hand of His Majesty Leo—who boasts the alias 'Devil of the Snowfield'—is the center of much anticipation today!" the announcer boomed.
...I really wanted him to enjoy it. I really did. Sorry, Eddy.
And so, the race began. I slumped deeply and sloppily into my plush chair.
"Lord Groom, you’ll ruin your back sitting like that."
"You're right..."
I adjusted my posture, sitting up straight. The way Wifey sat was truly elegant. I hoped Eddy would finish the race safely. And I hoped, for everyone's sake, that he wouldn't try to hold an office chair race of his own once it was over.
...Wifey. Please stop glaring at me.