Suicide sites.
Those who know of them, know. They are websites on the internet where people post methods for ending their lives or recruit partners for a final pact.
I had found myself lurking in the deepest reaches of such a site.
It wasn't that I had firmly decided to die. However, it wasn't as if the temptation of death was entirely absent, either.
I had grown weary of the world.
At school, I was the target of low-level bullying. It wasn't anything blatant, but rather the insidious kind where everyone simply ignores you. During class, lunch breaks, and my commute to and from school, I was always alone.
Whenever the teacher told us to form pairs, I was guaranteed to be the odd man out. If there was an uneven number of boys, I’d be shoved into a pair with a girl. Naturally, that girl would also be a pariah—the kind everyone agreed was the ugliest in class. When we were forced together, I’d hear the whispers from the other students: "Hey, look, he’s totally hitting it off with Miss Ugly."
"Why the hell do you even come to school?" I’d think to myself, projecting my own misery onto the girl across from me. Then, I’d be consumed by self-loathing for the thought.
I suppose things had technically improved since elementary school, back when I was subjected to actual violence. In fourth grade, under the excuse of "playing pro-wrestling," I was slapped and punched every single recess. I didn't even want to remember the time they threw my clothes away after swimming class, leaving me shivering and naked in the changing room.
Now, I practiced Kendo. I started in elementary school specifically because I hated being bullied. I’d gained a decent amount of strength over the years, and lately, the physical attacks had stopped.
The turning point came during a lunch break in my second year of middle school. In the heat of an argument, I slammed my bully's lunch box onto the classroom floor, spilling his food everywhere. I still remember how the entire room fell dead silent.
Since then, I wasn't a target for violence anymore; I was just a target for the silent treatment and social exclusion.
Pathetic cowards.
They were happy to throw punches at the weak, but as soon as they realized they couldn't win, their only move was to pretend I didn't exist. Well, since I looked down on them with the same level of contempt, there was never any chance of us becoming friends anyway.
My father’s attitude at home followed a similar pattern. Back when my mother died, he used to be physically abusive, but these days he was terrified of me and wouldn't even try to strike up a conversation.
This is just the way the world works.
No matter how much people polish the facade, power is the only thing that matters in the end. When they realize they can't match your strength, no one dares to challenge you to your face.
That said, physical power alone isn't enough to reach the top of modern society. If you try to act tough and become a delinquent, you just end up as a petty criminal or a yakuza errand boy.
It really is a rotten world.
It was likely that mindset that drew me in. I found myself wandering into a suicide site I’d stumbled upon online, pulled in as if by a vacuum.
I spent my time reading through the posts, letting the wings of my imagination take flight. I scavenged for deeper information, clicking through obscure links and diving into the site's inner sanctum.
When I thought about it, I had almost no attachments to this world. No lover, no friends, not even a family I could rely on. What was there left to lose?
My grades weren't anything special. Given the abuse I’d suffered from my father, university was probably out of the question anyway. We were poor. The only reason I could even do Kendo was because it was free.
Ideally, I would have liked to learn Judo or Karate too, but serious training cost money we didn't have. The Chief Priest at the local temple taught Kendo to neighborhood kids for nothing and even provided the equipment.
However, I knew his secret. I’d seen how the Chief Priest was always looking for excuses to get touchy-feely with the girls he liked.
The world is truly a cesspit. It’s rotten to the core.
If I had one lingering attachment, it was probably my virginity. To be honest, I wanted to graduate from that status first. It felt like a waste to die without ever having experienced it. That’s about as far as the logic of a hormonal high school boy goes.
Besides, the act of suicide was still terrifying. I hated the idea of pain and fear. They say a person can do anything once they’re prepared to die, though.
I’d dedicated myself to Kendo because I had nothing else to do. I had a fair amount of strength. I felt like maybe, just maybe, I could make something of myself... but I knew I was lying to myself.
I continued browsing the site, my resolve for suicide still wavering, when a link caught my eye: "Before you decide to end it all."
Before you decide to end it all.
Yes. This. This was what I was looking for.
You shouldn't go around encouraging a healthy young man, a mere high school sophomore, to kill himself. Dying is scary, after all. It looked like an ad, but I clicked it anyway.
"...What is this?"
The words escaped my lips as the page loaded.
To put it simply, the pitch was: "If life is too hard in this world, why not try living in another one?"
Who does this guy think he is, Marie Antoinette?
The site claimed to offer "a world suitable for you," and allowed you to select various preferences.
A world of advanced technology, a world of rampant piracy, an ancient world, a world of swords and magic...
There was even an option for a world with magic.
As I selected that and moved forward, a long list of options appeared: a world of only humans, a world with humans, elves, and dwarves, or a world with humans, demi-humans, and beastmen. It was actually quite interesting.
I see. This is an elaborate landing page for an online game.
It was an ad link, after all. I wondered what kind of company advertises to people looking for suicide sites, but I kept going. Maybe a net-game wouldn't be so bad. At least it was more productive than contemplating my own death. Perhaps enough people felt that way that the ad actually turned a profit.
I’d played net-games for a bit when I first started high school. Since I didn't have any real-life friends, I was a solo player there, too. Maybe that’s why I never got hooked; I just naturally stopped playing after a while. Still, I’d enjoyed it well enough. It wasn't that I hated the genre.
The site asked me to choose the number of cultures and nations next.
More variety seemed more interesting. If I got bored, I could always travel to another country.
The next page was the frequency of war. Did I want a world where nations were constantly at each other's throats or a peaceful one? In an MMO, this would translate to guild wars. Since I was a solo player, it didn't really matter. I picked the friendly world.
Then, Dungeon-type or Field-type? That was a tough choice. I selected both.
It was strange that I was being allowed to customize so many settings rather than having the developer force them on me, but I figured it would eventually spit out a "recommended game" for me at the end.
The list of items was exhaustive. They even made me choose the primary language. And it wasn't something like Japanese or English; it was "Brahim." I had no idea what that was, so I just left it on the default setting.
Just as I was starting to get tired of the sheer number of questions, I reached a page for Bonus Points.
Now this felt like a real game.
I clicked the "Reset" button a few times to see how the numbers changed. It looked like I could keep trying until I got a value I liked. I’m the type of player who gets obsessive over initial stat rolls. I wasn't going to move on until I got something good.
It seemed that, generally, the Bonus Points were quite low. Most rolls were in the 10s or 20s. Single digits popped up frequently. I wondered what the cap was.
Whoa.
62.
I wasn't sure if that was high or if I could do better. I kept rolling. The 40s were common, and the 50s appeared every now and then. I felt like I could beat 62.
71.
The number turned green. This had to be a "great" roll. But ending on a 1 felt messy. If the cap was 75, this was fine, but if I could hit 79, I wanted to try for it. I boldly hit reset.
However, after that, I never saw another 70. Even the 60s became rare.
Maybe I’d messed up. I kept clicking, wondering if I should have just compromised on a 60. As I clicked out of pure inertia, an 80-something flashed before my eyes for a split second.
Was that an 80? It was, wasn't it?
The number on the page had already refreshed to 19.
Dammit! I blew it!
I’d hit the button too fast. What a massive blunder.
Sigh. Well, nothing to be done. I went back to the grind.
I saw the 60s a few more times, but once you've seen an 80, you can't settle for less.
How long did I spend there? I didn't even see a 70 after that. I just kept clicking, my patience wearing thin. To prevent another mistake, I started checking the number after every single click before hitting reset.
Reset. Check. Reset. Check. Reset. Check.
What was I even doing? Would a single-digit roll really be that bad? Despite my doubts, I kept clicking. This was a battle of wills now.
Click. Check. Click.
Endlessly, I clicked. Click. Click. Click.
99.
The number glowed with a brilliant, golden light.
Finally. It finally appeared.
I don't even want to think about how much time I wasted. But I’d finally done it. Since it likely didn't go into triple digits, this had to be the absolute maximum.
- I stared at the number, basking in a profound sense of accomplishment. After an agonizing struggle, I’d finally reached the summit. I’d practically bled for this number. All the hardship, patience, and despair felt like fond memories now.
99... it all feels so nostalgic.
I’d fought such a hard battle that I didn't even care about the game anymore. I just wanted to be left alone for a while.
But I couldn't stop now, so while savoring the victory, I clicked "Confirm Settings."
After the Bonus Points came the Character Settings. There still hadn't been any mention of a price or a subscription fee. Was this just a browser game? Well, I’d rolled a perfect 99; it would be a crime to stop now.
In the Character Settings, I could use my Bonus Points to boost parameters like Strength Increase and Vitality Increase, or buy Bonus Equipment, Bonus Spells, and Bonus Skills.
As a test, I pumped Strength to 99. The Bonus Points dropped to zero, and nothing else happened.
Based on my gaming experience, flat parameter boosts are usually only good for the early game. Once you level up, the natural stats eventually catch up. It was probably better to spend the points on something else.
What about Bonus Equipment? Would it be better than the endgame gear? Probably not. It was likely just a head start.
Bonus Spells seemed useful. Things like Warp or Gamma Ray Burst. But which one should I pick?
I looked for a strategy guide online, but then I realized I didn't even know the name of this game. And yet, here I was, meticulously planning my build. Since I’d landed a 99, I really didn't want to have to redo the rolling process later. If this was all a psychological trick by the developers to get me invested, it was working perfectly.
Searching for a hint, I scrolled to the very bottom of the Bonus Skills list and found "Character Reset." If I took this, I could change my build later. Since I was on the Character Settings page, "Character Reset" presumably meant I could return to this exact menu at any time.
If that was the case, I could just pick a decent starter build and fix it later. I checked Character Reset. My Bonus Points dropped to 98.
What else looked good?
Required XP Reduction.
That was a must-have. But next to it was Increased XP Gain. What was the difference? I’ll just take both for now.
When I checked Required XP Reduction, the points dropped to 97, and the name changed to Required XP 1/2. It seemed to be an upgradeable skill.
I clicked Required XP 1/2, and the points dropped to 95 while the skill became Required XP 1/3. I clicked again; points were at 91, and it became Required XP 1/5. Another click took me to 83 points and Required XP 1/10.
That was a huge jump. It seemed the cost doubled each time: 1, 2, 4, 8, 16.
I tested it by clicking Required XP 1/10. Points dropped to 67, and it became Required XP 1/20. Eighty-three minus sixty-seven is sixteen. Definitely a doubling pattern. I unchecked it until it went back to Required XP 1/5 with 91 points remaining. That gave me a solid foundation.
Next, I turned to Increased XP Gain. Checking it brought me to 90 points and changed the name to 2x XP Gain. Same pattern. I clicked until it reached 5x XP Gain, leaving me with 84 points. I figured that was enough for now.
What else?
Second Job.
This was undeniably powerful. Usually, in these games, each job has unique skills. Having a Second Job meant accessing two sets of abilities simultaneously. It was almost weird that it was just a Bonus Skill. What did people who didn't pick it do?
...If you can't get this normally, this game is a total dumpster fire. I’d be selling my Xbox in a heartbeat.
I checked Second Job, which cost 1 point and turned into Third Job. I left it there. I probably wouldn't have many jobs to choose from at the start anyway; I could just use a Character Reset if I needed a third one later.
There was also a Job Settings skill next to it. If I didn't have that, would my job be chosen at random? I’ll save that for a reset too.
MP Recovery Speed Increase and Chant Shortening were likely great, but since I didn't even know if I could use magic yet, I’ll pass for now.
Price Negotiation and Buyback Negotiation. I’ll save those for when I actually need to buy something.
Appraisal. That seemed essential for playing without a guide. I’ll keep it in mind.
I decided to skip all the Bonus Spells for now. Some of them, like Self-Destruct Attack, made me wonder if the developers were trolling. Listen, guys, don't press it. Definitely don't press it. No matter what the "setup" is, I'm not using a suicide move.
I went back to Bonus Equipment. For the early game, gear is everything. Having better-than-average equipment would give me a massive edge.
I checked Weapon. Points went to 82, and it became Weapon II. The doubling pattern applied here too. I clicked until I hit Weapon VI, which left me with 20 points. It seemed VI was the cap. I did the same for Accessories, stopping at Accessory II, which left me with 17 points.
Finally, I went back and upgraded to Required XP 1/5 and 5x XP Gain.
That left me with exactly 1 Bonus Point.
Appraisal, a spell, or a low-level piece of gear? Since equipment went up to VI, a level I item probably wasn't worth much. I chose Appraisal.
Zero points remaining.
I clicked "Confirm" to finalize my character.
The screen changed.
Warning! You have chosen to abandon this world and live in another. You will never be able to return to this world again. Do you wish to continue?
Yes No
What was this? It didn't look like a standard "Confirm Purchase" pop-up. Well, as long as it isn't charging my credit card, I don't care.
I clicked "Yes."
Final Warning! You truly will never be able to return. Even so, do you wish to continue?
Yes No
They were really persistent. I clicked "Yes" again.
Wait.
Actually, that was a pretty ominous message...
Before I could process the thought, my consciousness was pulled away, and the world went dark.