Illness-san’s tales of the past continued. What struck me as she spoke was the lack of nostalgia in her voice; she spoke with a clinical, detached cadence.
It wasn’t that she was entirely devoid of emotion, but rather that she seemed to have reached a state of total clarity regarding her life.
"Once I became capable of utilizing my power to its fullest, the next thing I observed was the objective strength of that power and how best to handle it," she explained. "After observing many other demons, I realized my power was quite significant, even by their standards. Therefore, I looked to those recognized as powerhouses for reference on how to wield it."
"A reference for how to use it?"
"Yes. In the Demon Realm of that era, those with great power used it in one of two ways. One was to use that strength to protect something and save someone; the other was to use it to destroy and steal. Of course, if you were to categorize them more finely, there were many more variations—various thoughts and motivations behind each action. But broadly speaking, one could say it almost always boiled down to those two paths."
I supposed that made sense when discussing how to utilize great power. It came down to whether that power was turned toward offense or defense. I’d heard that the Demon Realm of that time was a place where battles occurred daily, a world where combat ability was even more absolute than it is now.
In fact, I recalled hearing that until Alice established rules there, even a battle-maniac like Megiddo-san described the world as "boring." It must have been an incredibly bloodthirsty environment.
"There wasn't any particularly deep reason for my choice," Illness-san continued. "It wasn't born from kindness or mercy. As I mentioned at the start, there was no dramatic turning point or specific catalyst. I simply observed those two ways of wielding power and concluded, objectively, that saving and protecting was the proper way to use it. That truly was the only reason I saved the people who caught my eye while I traveled through the Demon Realm."
"...I think that's still a very noble thing to do."
"Kuhihi, perhaps. I was thanked quite often, so if you were to say I was doing the right thing, that would undoubtedly be true. However, I personally was never moved by those actions. Long ago, a certain someone referred to me as 'empty.' I didn't understand what they meant at the time, but looking back now... I find I can agree with much of what they said."
For the first time, Illness-san wore a look of mild nostalgia before she glanced at me and smiled.
After a brief pause, she resumed her story.
"...I lacked any desire to do something or become someone. That is precisely why I viewed myself like a chess piece, simply acting in a way that seemed objectively correct. Looking at oneself from a bird’s-eye view might sound impressive, but in the end, I was likely indifferent not only to my surroundings, but to myself as well."
"That's a difficult thing to judge. I don't know what you were thinking back then, and if that's how you feel, then I suppose that's the most accurate answer. But even so," I said, "the fact that you looked at those two ways of wielding power and chose to save and protect someone... I believe it's because there was a kind heart inside you, Illness-san."
"Kuhihi, perhaps you're right. Indeed, thinking about it now, it's possible various emotions were dwelling within me, and I simply hadn't noticed them yet."
Illness-san didn't deny my words. Instead, she agreed, and as she did, I couldn't feel even a trace of 'emptiness' from her.
Given her nostalgic tone, it was clear that her period of being 'empty' was firmly in the past.
"The person who described me as 'empty' also told me this: 'What feels right and what is truly right are distinct. If you find someone to whom you can pour your essential devotion without hesitation, perhaps you too will undergo a change.' To be expected of her, really—she was exactly right."
"Those are good words."
"Yes. It happened exactly as she said. I encountered a partner I truly wanted to serve and support from the bottom of my heart. While devoting myself to that goal, a change visited me unintentionally. There is some bewilderment, but even so... I do not dislike this change."
Illness-san smiled gently as she spoke. Her eyes, now focused clearly as she looked at me, were filled with a warm emotion. It might have been conceited of me to think so, but I felt as though she was telling me that I was the one she had chosen.