"I'd like to do a quick diagnostic test first. Is that okay?"
Hayashi had already spread her study guides across the table where we’d just finished eating.
I’d made the proposal because tutoring her without knowing her current level would be a pointless exercise. It would be inefficient. I was committing my own time to this, and if it wasn't going to be productive for both of us, it was effectively a waste of time.
"Alright," she agreed immediately.
I’d expected to have to explain myself, but she was being surprisingly cooperative.
With that, Hayashi began working through a page of her reference book within a set time limit.
I recalled how she used to grumble to Kasahara and Ishida back in high school about having no motivation for class. She’d always listened attentively during the actual lessons, but seeing her so quietly focused on her studies now felt slightly surreal.
It was also surprising to see her with such a high level of motivation. I suppose when you're faced with the threat of abject poverty, you don't really have the luxury of being lazy.
About thirty minutes passed.
"There. I've finished for now."
Hayashi’s expression was grim. Her voice was hesitant and lacked its usual spirit.
She’d already mentioned that her bookkeeping studies weren't going well, and combined with her current attitude, I had a fair idea of how the test had gone. I took the book from her and began checking the answers.
"This is pretty bad..." I muttered under my breath.
"Lately... what with I-chan’s wedding and my father, I just haven't had any time to study," she stammered.
When I thought about it, she was right. In these past two short months, she had been constantly traveling back and forth between her hometown and Tokyo. Between the incident with her abusive ex-boyfriend and her chaotic living situation, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
"You’ve had a lot on your plate," I said, offering her a brief word of acknowledgement.
"...You’re not going to get angry?"
"Why would I need to get angry?"
"Because..."
Hayashi trailed off and looked down at her lap.
I remembered hearing that her parents had been quite strict. Her ex-boyfriend had also clearly been worse than strict, crossing the line into physical violence. It seemed she’d been conditioned to believe that failure was always followed by a scolding.
"I'd complain if you kept making the same mistake over and over, but that isn't the case here. Besides, this isn't even a failure. It was just a way to gauge your current level—nothing more."
"But still..."
"Hayashi, don't lose sight of the objective."
She remained silent.
"Your objective right now is to earn a bookkeeping qualification. It isn't to get a high score on a test I just threw at you. If anything, you should be looking me in the eye and saying, 'There, you see my level? Now make sure you teach me properly.'"
"I... I would never say that."
Well, the current Hayashi wouldn't. But the high school version of her probably would have. I suppose that was another way she’d changed.
"Regardless, I have a handle on where you are now."
"Okay."
"So, here's my suggestion. The next exam is next month, right?"
"Yeah."
"Let's give up on that one."
"Gah!"
Hayashi gave a characteristically dramatic reaction.
But it was the only logical choice. At this rate, there was no way she'd be ready by next month.
"...Then when am I supposed to take it?"
"The February exam."
"I see..."
Hayashi looked down again, her shoulders slumping.
"I'm really hopeless, aren't I?"
"Are you?"
"I mean, I'm barely making any progress at all."
"It's only natural to struggle when you're starting something new. If anything, facing the reality of your situation now means you won't end up wasting money on an exam fee."
Hayashi lapsed into silence again.
"I told you, Hayashi—don't forget the objective. Your goal is to get the qualification. It doesn't matter if you get it in November or February."
Her expression didn't brighten.
"Hayashi, do you think I've always been this 'successful' at living my life?"
She looked at me, her eyes widening in surprise.
"Of course not. There's no way that's the case. So why am I able to manage things so well now? It's just my personal theory, but I believe there are three reasons: confronting things directly, speaking your mind clearly, and having motivation."
"...Motivation?"
"Yes. Motivation. For almost anything you do, you need drive. If you're indifferent or unmotivated, you won't bother to correct mistakes if it means being disliked. You won't even feel like taking a step forward. To make that move, you need the will to act."
Hayashi looked down at the floor.
"Fortunately, you have that motivation right now. So I can promise you this: as long as you don't lose sight of your objective, you will absolutely get that qualification. So let's work on it together."
"...Hey, Yamamoto?"
"What?"
"I’ve never once looked at your life—filled with nothing but enemies—and thought you were 'living successfully.'"
I fell silent.