Yamamoto stood before me, his gaze fixed and serious. Looking into his dark eyes, I fell into the fleeting illusion that I was being pulled into their depths.
I shook my head, chiding myself for the lack of focus.
Now that I thought about it, something similar had happened back in high school. It was during my first year, back when I was harboring a crush on Sekine-senpai and agonizing over how to make my feelings known.
Girls are suckers for romance.
I was no exception, and there were always people around me gossiping about who liked whom. But I never joined in. Given the reputation I had back then, I couldn't bring myself to reveal my true feelings—my weaknesses—to anyone else.
Well, except for one person.
One day, I poured my heart out to a single girl.
"Well, it'll all work out somehow," she’d said.
That was I-chan. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail and a mischievous glint in her eyes behind her glasses.
She was a mysterious person.
She was elusive, moving at an exasperatingly individual pace, yet somehow I always found myself swept up in it. And just when I thought she was a bit of an airhead, her grades would consistently rank near the top of the class.
Truly, she was an enigma.
Lately, I've started to think that maybe she just didn't want to come across as unfriendly. But while people like that are usually easy targets for others to walk over, her strength was that she would never, ever budge on things she considered important.
She and I were close.
We met in high school. It wasn't like we sat near each other or anything like that. I just felt comfortable whenever I was with her. We were always laughing. By our third year, Akari had joined us, and the three of us spent all our time together, laughing until our sides ached.
After high school graduation—during those hellish times—I used to drift off into daydreams.
I want to hang out with Akari again.
I want to hang out with I-chan again.
If I said that out loud, what would Akari say? She’d probably laugh and say, "Of course!"
If I said that to I-chan, what would she say?
...Probably something like, "How bothersome."
She’d say that and laugh. But I’d drag her along anyway, and the three of us would still be...
Oh. I see.
"I... I didn't want I-chan to get married."
This was what Yamamoto meant—the thing I actually wanted to say at her wedding ceremony.
...That was it.
I still wanted us to hang out. I still wanted us to act like idiots together.
Still.
I still wanted to stay a child with I-chan.
"That feeling was at the root of it," Yamamoto said. "That's why you couldn't get the speech together."
I knew he was right.
"I'm the worst, aren't I?"
"Hm?"
"Thinking my friend should call off her wedding just because I'm selfish."
"Is that so?"
"It is."
"...Well, I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"Because it’s very 'you'."
Yamamoto was smiling.
Like me. What exactly did he mean by that?
...Probably that I should act like an insolent queen, just like I did in high school. That was his version of who I was.
"I don't want to be a queen if it means making others sad."
"That's not what I mean."
"Then what?"
"I’m saying that being dishonest like that is exactly what makes you, you."
...Dishonest.
To think I'd be told that by this man, of all people.
"Especially since you moved into this room... you haven't been honest at all. Even though you were going through hell and wanted to run away, you kept saying you were going back. Even though you were worried about your parents, you insisted you didn't want to go home."
"S-Shut up."
"Honestly, I lose track of how many times you've led me around by the nose. But strangely enough, I don't think that time was necessarily bad."
I looked down, overwhelmed by embarrassment. I couldn't look at his face. My own felt like it was on fire.
"...What part of me is being dishonest right now?"
I had finally faced my feelings about not wanting I-chan to marry. What else was there?
"For one, you already knew, didn't you? You knew you didn't want Ishida to get married. But you tried to ignore it and ended up wasting an entire day."
"Ngh..."
He had me there. Yesterday, I definitely felt a pang of loneliness every time I thought about her moving on.
"And another thing. Even though you don't want her to get married, the truth is... you're genuinely happy for her."
"That's..."
"I can tell."
"How?"
"Because you accepted the role of representative friend, didn't you?"
My eyes widened. Everything Yamamoto said was... it was exactly right.
I didn't want I-chan to get married. But deeper than that, I was happy for her. I wanted her to find joy. I wanted her to find a happiness that would make her forget all about me.
I wanted her to spend the rest of her life with her husband. Maybe have children. I wanted her to spend her days smiling with her family. That was the life I wanted for her.
"The direction is clear, then."
"Eh?"
"Write down all those troublesome feelings. Every single one."
"What...? Are you serious?"
"It's fine. If the audience doesn't get it, I'll be there to laugh it off."
"I'll be furious if you do."
"Right... sorry."
Yamamoto looked down, appearing genuinely dejected as he apologized.
Whether I looked back at high school or thought about our life now, it was a face I had never seen him make before. I couldn't hold it in anymore and burst out laughing.
He had seen right through me. He had encouraged me. And now, he had shown me the path forward.
It was strange. I felt that if I just did what Yamamoto said, even this daunting speech would turn out okay.
"...Hey, Yamamoto?"
"Yeah?"
"How did you understand these 'troublesome' feelings of mine so well?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
Yamamoto smiled.
"Lately, I've been watching you constantly."
I’m sure he didn't mean anything deep by it. He was just saying he’d been observing me as a roommate. That had to be it.
...But.
But...!
I still couldn't bring myself to look at his face.