Come to think of it, just the other day, I’d been forced to carry Kasahara home on my back.
The emotions dwelling within me back then had been complex—something akin to nostalgia, given our relationship at the time. Frustration, loneliness, a faint glimmer of expectation... a whole collection of feelings had swirled together into a single mass.
However, the feelings I held now while carrying Hayashi were considerably simpler.
Worry occupied the largest percentage.
From the moment she’d first clung to my arm until now, as she trembled against my back, I’d been so worried about her I couldn't stand it.
It vaguely occurred to me then that I’d never really sat down and calmly analyzed my own feelings while alone with a girl like this.
But precisely because I was analyzing them, I realized that Hayashi's current mental state was completely at odds with the purpose of an outing.
Normally, the point of going out is to have fun or refresh oneself.
Hayashi, too, must have originally planned today’s trip to enjoy herself with Kasahara.
Yet, to any onlooker, the only emotions Hayashi seemed to be feeling now were fear and dread.
"Ugh..."
Following her groan, her head bumped against the back of mine.
She probably still hadn't properly opened her eyes, even now that I was carrying her.
If it was going to be like this, I really should have decided against walking the Rainbow Bridge.
...But was that really true?
After all, the reason we were walking across the bridge in the first place was that Hayashi wanted me to enjoy myself.
And while worry was the dominant emotion in my swirling heart, in second place came the feeling that, for one reason or another, I was having fun.
Just as she intended, I was actually enjoying the walk quite a bit.
In that case, coming here hadn't been a mistake. There was no reason at all to think I should have stopped us.
So why, even after thinking that far, did I still feel like we shouldn't have done it?
Good grief, humans are mysterious things.
We really are troublesome creatures, unable to even explain our own feelings to ourselves.
...Well, in the end, I felt like I'd keep regretting the decision until I could get the girl trembling on my back to pull herself together.
So, what on earth should I say to help her snap out of it?
I racked my brain for a moment.
Why exactly was she so frightened right now?
Because she was afraid of heights?
Then how could that fear be erased?
By getting down. Or leaving quickly.
...Or by not taking such a person to a high place to begin with.
No good...!
No matter how I looked at it, I just kept coming back to the conclusion that the Rainbow Bridge was a mistake...!
Hmm.
Let’s try some lateral thinking.
If she's scared... I just have to make her overcome it.
If I can make her not afraid of heights, the problem is solved.
...So, what do I do?
The first thing that popped into my head was shock therapy.
I gave my body a violent shake.
"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Hayashi screamed.
"Wh-wh-wh-what are you doing!!?"
I gave my body another violent shake.
"Gyaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!"
"Hmm. No good, I guess."
If anything, it seemed I'd only incited further terror.
Hayashi panted for breath and then pinched both of my cheeks with all her might.
"You! What do you think you're doing!!!"
"No, I thought if I gave you an even more intense fright to get you used to it, the fear might ease up—ow ow ow!"
She pulled on my cheeks with enough force to tear through mochi.
Hmm. This was a complete failure. Above all, if I moved carelessly and scared her even more, she might really freak out, so I had no choice but to let her do as she pleased. My cheeks hurt like hell.
...And honestly, considering she'd been left with the intense trauma of Domestic Violence in the past, using shock therapy to stoke her fear was a terrible idea. I should have realized that.
I was overcome with a wave of guilt. This wasn't something I should have tested out like an experiment.
"Sorry. I was being thoughtless."
"I'm not forgiving you even if you apologize!"
For once, Hayashi was genuinely pissed off.
"Sorry."
"Always, always! You're always doing weird things! Honestly! Honest—ly!!"
"...Sorry."
Did I really do weird things all the time?
I didn't argue given the circumstances, but I had to wonder.
I mean, I did act without thinking sometimes, I spent every waking hour cleaning, and I'd provoked Hayashi while she was still reeling from her history with Domestic Violence.
...Hmm.
I really was just doing one weird thing after another.
"...You really do keep a close eye on me."
Hayashi’s hands stopped abruptly.
"...Don't act so impressed when I'm scolding you."
"Sorry. I really was being too thoughtless."
It seemed she'd calmed down a little.
Perhaps my bumbling attempt had been somewhat effective after all.
"...But you know, since we’re seeing such a wonderful view right now anyway, I wanted to share it with you."
"With me?"
"Yeah. With you."
Hayashi went quiet.
"Since we’re here, instead of closing your eyes because you’re scared, why not try opening them? Even if it turns out to be no good, that’s fine. But if you miss this moment and try it later on—only to find out you were actually okay with it—you’ll definitely regret it, right? You’ll wonder why you didn't try back then. You’ll think that if you'd known you were okay, your world would have been a lot wider."
Come to think of it, Hayashi had said something similar on the train ride back from our hometown recently.
In her own way, through various experiences, she was trying to change.
As her roommate, I had to give her a push.
Even if the day eventually came when she hated me for it.
"...You know, the way you talk is incredibly suspicious. You sound like a friend trying to recruit me into a multilevel marketing scheme."
"Ah, true. But this isn't some shallow line I'm parroting from someone else. I'm just saying what I've experienced and thought for myself."
"...I'll give you that much."
She acknowledged it. I was grateful.
Hayashi fell silent for a while.
"It’s amazing."
After a bit, a voice came from behind me.
The person who uttered those words in a breathy sigh was indeed Hayashi.
What exactly was "amazing"?
I didn't even need to ask... it was likely the same thing I was looking at now.
"Isn't it?"
"...Yeah."
Hayashi let out another sigh.
"You were right. This definitely... it's a waste if you don't look."
"Isn't it?"
"...Yeah. I'm glad I didn't have to regret it."
Hayashi’s arms wrapped around my neck.
...I said it was a waste if she didn't see the view, but I didn't tell her to get all misty-eyed and lean into me.
I felt a bit awkward and lowered my gaze.
"The water’s incredibly filthy, though."
"Don't be a wet blanket, idiot."
Hayashi bumped her forehead against the back of my head.