During those days when the bruises never seemed to end, I thought about it often. I wanted to see Akari again. I wanted to meet her and talk about the old days. She was my best friend, and I wanted her to comfort me for the wounds I’d suffered. I wanted her to save me. I spent so much time wishing for things like that.
But then, I was saved by a certain man, and through a strange series of events, I finally achieved that reunion with Akari.
And that was when I learned about Yamamoto and Akari’s past.
I hadn’t known. I’d had no way of knowing that Akari and Yamamoto had been a couple.
“...Do you often let men into your house?”
Now that I knew the truth, looking back on our recent reunion made me realize something.
“Say ‘ahhh.’”
Those two must have shared the kind of wonderful romance that everyone around them envied.
“Ahaha. Even back in high school, Yamamoto-kun's eccentricities weren't exactly rare, you know?”
They must have been bound by a bond so strong that there wasn't a single opening for someone like me to squeeze in.
...When Akari told me they had dated, the emotion that surged within me was jealousy.
I couldn't forgive the fact that they had been so close without me knowing.
I couldn't forgive the fact that they had come together without ever breathe a word of it to me.
And more than anything, I couldn't forgive myself for being angry about it. I couldn't forgive myself for harboring such wicked feelings toward the two people who were essentially my saviors.
That was surely why I felt so dark about everything now.
The sense that I had been betrayed by Akari and Yamamoto.
And the fact that, in my heart, I was judging their precious relationship as an act of betrayal.
I couldn't untangle my own weak heart, and I couldn't bring myself to lift my head.
...I knew what people called me back in high school. Even if I didn't want to know, the words found their way to my ears anyway.
Insolent.
Arrogant.
The Queen.
...What "Queen"?
Fretting over something like this.
Causing trouble over something like this.
Getting this depressed over something like this...!
Where was that "Queen" now?
"I... I wonder if I should leave this apartment after all?"
Those words were a sign of weakness, escaping me only because I had become so self-punishing.
Once the words were out, I couldn't look Yamamoto in the eye.
The only reason I had been able to escape that man was because I’d reunited with Yamamoto.
The reason that man had been arrested and I could walk freely outside now was because Yamamoto had been quick-witted.
The reason I had been able to reunite with my old best friend was because Yamamoto had helped me reclaim my life.
The only reason I was even allowed in this room right now was because Yamamoto wanted to help me...!
I’d had no idea how kind Yamamoto was during high school. Since we’d met again, I’d lost count of how many times his kindness had saved me.
And yet, I’d shown weakness again.
I’d said something that trampled all over his compassion.
...It was a cowardly thing to say, too.
I didn't need to beg for Yamamoto's permission to leave this room. If I truly wanted to go, I should have just left a note and disappeared while he was sleeping.
Instead, I asked Yamamoto if it was okay for me to stay. I asked him to judge me. I thrust the responsibility onto him.
...I had finally taken advantage of his kindness.
I almost wished he would just tell me to get out.
That he didn't want to see my face.
That he still loved Akari.
I wanted him to condemn me and kick me out of here.
...He.
Yamamoto.
But I knew he wouldn't do that. I knew that, too... and that made me the lowest kind of woman.
"What do you want to do, Hayashi?"
"Eh?"
"I'm asking how you feel. Do you want to leave?"
"...Why?"
Yamamoto's response was as twisted as ever. He said the one thing I didn't want to hear, and a surge of emotion flared inside me.
"This isn't your room. So, whether or not you keep a squatter around isn't for you to decide."
I snapped at him, letting my emotions take the lead.
"...Ah—"
Yamamoto scratched his head, looking a bit troubled. Guilt tightened my chest. I was the one who had brought up leaving the room. It was absurd of me to push the responsibility onto him in the first place.
And yet, Yamamoto showed no sign of judging my pathetic feelings.
As usual, he was trying to save me with his own twisted logic.
"...I've told you this plenty of times, haven't I? I'm a self-centered guy."
No. The self-centered one... was me.
"Actually, it was pretty bad, you know? At first, I didn't even care if you went back to your ex. I just wanted to be able to tell myself I’d done my best. That would have been enough for me."
"...That's..."
He seemed to judge himself as cold-hearted for that, but wasn't that just a normal way to feel?
Back then, we were just former classmates. Nothing more, nothing less. There was no reason for him to take a risk to help me.
And yet, he had helped me anyway.
He had saved me.
"...You don't get it?"
Yamamoto scratched his cheek, looking bashful.
"What I'm saying is, a self-centered guy like me asked for your opinion instead of just giving mine. ...That means... basically, I want you here. That's how I feel."
...Just now.
"I want you to stay. But if you hate it, I won't force you. I don't want to make you do things you dislike. ...That's why, well, I asked what you wanted."
Looking at this man whose cheeks were flushed, who wouldn't even meet my eyes...
I finally realized it.
...When I found out Akari and Yamamoto had dated, I was jealous. I felt like they had betrayed me. Even though I had no right to feel that way, I was trapped by those ugly emotions.
I thought I couldn't forgive the fact that my friend and my savior had a history I knew nothing about.
But I was wrong.
That wasn't it at all. This feeling inside me now...
...Because.
Right now, I...
Looking at Yamamoto as he shyly avoided my gaze, I felt my heart overflow.
But when I thought about how he had once been happy with another woman, I felt like I would go crazy with jealousy.
I was so happy that he was comforting me in my heartbreak.
It was so painful to imagine him and Akari being intimate.
I wanted to stay in this room forever.
I wanted to be with him.
"...Why?"
My voice was trembling.
"Why are you so kind...?"
"Wait, are you actually crying...?"
Yamamoto looked taken aback by my tears. I felt a shock of embarrassment at showing him such a pathetic sight.
"Waaah. Uwaaaaah!"
I finally broke down into a full-blown crying fit while clutching my cold hand.
"Eh...? What...? Whoa, hey!"
Even though he was bewildered, Yamamoto stayed close to me with the Vaseline in hand, trying to comfort me.
As he did, despite the tears, I realized that a part of my heart felt completely full.
I understood it now.
And I knew I couldn't make any more excuses.
...He.
Yamamoto.
Just having him by my side made me feel whole.
Just learning a side of him I didn't know made me feel wretched.
I wanted to stay with him forever.
This was entirely different from what I’d felt when I started dating my ex.
...It was an emotion I was experiencing for the first time in my life—something embarrassing that I wanted to look away from, yet something I wanted to cling to forever.
An emotion I’d never known. I knew instinctively what it was.
This was love.