Opening my eyes, I let out a long sigh. I’d ended up lost in memories from a lifetime ago. I checked on Hayashi, who was standing behind me. Her expression was still dark.
"I'm sorry. Truly."
At this point, a humble apology was the only thing I had to offer. I said it again.
Yet, I was starting to lose track of what exactly I was apologizing for. Hayashi had said earlier that her current despondency wasn't born from a sense of disgust over me dating Kasahara back then. If that wasn't it, then I had no clue why she was so depressed.
"Yamamoto..."
"What is it?"
"Let's go home."
There was no sign she was bouncing back, but she had asked to head back. Since I had no way of cheering her up right now, I decided the least I could do was comply. I followed a few steps behind her.
Hayashi didn't say a word the whole way home. Maybe it was just because I’d been carrying it for so long, but the bag of books felt a little heavier than before.
Even after we got back, her mood didn't lift.
Still, she started making dinner as usual. While a savory aroma spread throughout the room, I felt awkward just lounging in the living room by myself, so I decided to occupy myself by cleaning the balcony. It was in a terrible state thanks to the recent sudden downpours that felt more like Southeast Asian squalls.
Naturally, no words passed between us while she cooked. The only noise in the apartment came from the television, where the voices of panelist comedians on a wide show provided the sole distraction.
With sweat pooling on my forehead, I used a dustpan to clear away accumulated leaves, wiped down the laundry pole sockets, and cleaned the windows, doing anything to weather this unbearable stretch of time.
I caught glimpses of her through the window as I worked.
She was still gloomy. What exactly about my past relationship with Kasahara had bothered her so much? But even if she didn't like it, would a normal person get this depressed? Maybe the reason she was in this state had nothing to do with anger or resentment. Maybe it was something else entirely.
As I watched her blankly, I noticed the pot she was using was starting to boil over. Hayashi, whose mind was clearly elsewhere, hadn't noticed.
"Hayashi, the pot!"
"Eh? ...Ow!"
I called out, but I was too late.
She had been dizzily stirring the contents with her cooking chopsticks, and she recoiled when the boiling bubbles splashed her hand. The pot lid in her left hand hit the floor with a metallic clatter.
"Are you okay?"
I kicked off my sandals and rushed to her side. I killed the heat on the stove and grabbed her hand. The tip of her right index finger had turned red. She’d burned herself.
"Cool it down, now."
I led her over to the sink and ran the water over her finger. Her face contorted for a moment from the cold, but she seemed to steady herself soon after.
"Sorry..."
"It's fine. It's my fault for leaving the cooking entirely to you. My bad."
"I'm... I'm so pathetic."
"Don't say things that aren't like you. It doesn't suit you at all."
"I'm not actually that strong."
A heavy silence followed, broken only by the sound of the running tap. I had suspected before that she was more fragile than she let on, but seeing her like this—so vulnerable and self-punishing—it was hard to watch.
"I really... I'm starting to hate myself. I hate how useless I am."
"Don't say such unusually weak things. Did something happen?"
I spoke in a way that intentionally tried to dodge the real issue, but she didn't even manage a bitter smile. She was in a bad way.
As I held her hand under the stream of water, I realized I was still gripping her wrist. She could probably manage on her own now.
I stepped back. I figured I would go find the Vaseline while she finished cooling the burn.
"I'm sorry for always being such a nuisance."
"Don't worry about it. People aren't meant to live alone."
"But I'm always leaning on you. I'm just a burden."
"If we're looking at things that way, I've been plenty of a nuisance to you, too. So don't worry about it."
"Hey, Yamamoto..."
"Yeah?"
"Do you think... I should move out of this apartment after all?"
I picked up the Vaseline and slowly turned back toward her.