The brilliant red sunset was blinding, forcing me to narrow my eyes. My stride was steady. I wasn't shaken.
A silence stretched between Hayashi and me.
Until a moment ago, I’d found this silence comfortable. Now, however, words were spinning around and around in my head.
Did I like Kasahara?
Hayashi had just asked me that very question.
I searched for an answer, wondering how I should respond.
"…I mean, you’re definitely acting strange today."
Hayashi spoke with a blaming tone, like a child throwing a tantrum.
"The way you look at Akari is different from how you look at me. You usually only say cynical things, but today you’ve softened up. You’re actually showing consideration for others!"
That was probably something any normal person could do. But by my standards, it was certainly "strange."
I wondered what Hayashi was feeling as she noticed this and raised her voice.
"…Well? What’s the deal?"
Hayashi demanded an answer.
It occurred to me then that Hayashi hadn't given me a single straight answer to my own questions today. The reason for that was surely connected to this moment.
…My thoughts continued to race.
Hayashi had said the type of person she hated most was a cold-hearted one.
I felt bad for her, but I found myself searching for words to evade the question.
…I finally made up my mind to speak honestly as we reached the last traffic light before the house.
It hit me as I stopped at the red light.
Eventually… eventually, the truth would come out. I couldn't keep it hidden forever. Besides, wasn't the very desire to hide it a strange feeling in itself?
I suppose I was a little confused.
But once I made the decision, I didn't regret the choice.
I decided to tell her precisely because it was Hayashi.
"…It was back in the summer of our third year of high school, I think."
The light was still red.
Standing before the signal telling her to stop, Hayashi turned only her face toward me.
"I confessed to Kasahara."
Even now, I can remember it the moment I close my eyes.
The scenery of that day.
The feelings I had then.
Kasahara’s smile.
It was a painful memory.
But now that time had passed, those memories didn't feel so bad anymore. I was starting to feel that way, at least. Perhaps that was why I finally felt ready to tell Hayashi.
"…I’m sorry."
"Eh?"
"I’m sorry. For making you dig up… those painful memories of being rejected."
…I couldn't find the words to deny it.
In a situation like this, I didn't know what I was supposed to say. I simply didn't have enough life experience.
"…You said I was different today, didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"It’s not that I’m still clinging to the feelings I had back then. I’m not making excuses, I really mean it."
I wonder why repeating yourself makes you sound more like a liar in situations like this.
"…But I guess I was still a little conscious of her."
"I’m sorry."
"Why are you the one apologizing?"
"…Even so, I’m sorry."
I looked at Hayashi’s dejected face. What was the reason for it…?
Was it guilt for making me relive the memory of a broken heart?
Or was it resentment that a "bad bug" like me had tried to get close to her precious best friend?
I didn't know the answer.
"I just heard words I never thought I’d hear from the high school version of you."
I simply laughed.
Seeing the girl who used to be called The Queen get so depressed over the romantic struggles of Commoners like us… it just didn't suit her at all.
"…You’re actually quite shrewd, aren't you?"
"And you, on the other hand, are surprisingly mentally weak."
Whether it was almost becoming obsessed with a boyfriend who subjected her to Domestic Violence or getting depressed over something like this, I realized then that despite her reputation as The Queen, Hayashi wasn't nearly as strong-hearted as everyone thought.
I was only just learning this now.
Even though we were in the same class for all three years of High School. Even though we studied together.
It took a month after reuniting with her following High School Graduation for me to finally see it.
I don't want to be misunderstood—I don't feel like the time was a waste, nor do I feel any regret about it now.
In a long life, you'll worry and have regrets. I think it’s more of a waste to let those things stop you in your tracks.
…In other words.
"I’m changing my mindset," Hayashi muttered.
"Those words… did they come out because of what happened between you and Akari?"
"What do you think?"
"…Just answer me."
The light turned green, and I started walking.
I looked back at Hayashi, who was still standing there, and smiled.
"Not at all."
Faced with my provocative smile, Hayashi finally started walking again. Her depression had vanished, replaced by an innocent, child-like grin.
"So smug! Especially for a guy who got dumped by Akari!"
"That was ages ago! It doesn't count anymore!"
"Oh, come on! Accept the fact that you were rejected! Otherwise, you’ll never get a cute girlfriend!"
"Shut up. I’m not looking for a girlfriend right now anyway."
"…You’re not looking for one at all?"
"Hm?"
"…Hey, Yamamoto?"
Hayashi was smiling, but there was something painful about it.
"Do you… still like Akari?"
I was at a loss for words.
I thought about it for a moment.
Then, before I knew it, I was giving a wry smile.
"…I don't know!"
Even though it was about myself.
Even though they were my own feelings.
Right now, I didn't understand my own heart.
"I see."
Hayashi gave a gentle smile.