Valentine’s Day... It was an event where men and women alike found themselves tossed between joy and sorrow for any number of reasons. It was a time when many couples were born, and for those already together, it served as an occasion to reaffirm their affection for one another.
However, alongside that bright, positive side, the holiday possessed a sinister shadow born from the stark disparity between the winners and the losers. Those who had fallen into that darkness would often spend the day muttering that every "normie" on the planet should just go ahead and explode.
Until only a few years ago, I had existed on that side—the dark side. There were countless times when I had wished in my heart for every happy couple to spontaneously combust.
But now, my position had shifted. Far from exploding, I was now firmly on the side of the normies—the kind of person people might tell to get carpet-bombed instead. I had reached a point where I received more chocolate on Valentine’s than I knew what to do with.
While I truly thought of it as a happy and fortunate thing, with Valentine's Day arriving tomorrow, I was currently plagued by a massive worry. If one were to call it a "luxury problem," they would be right—but it was proving to be quite the challenge nonetheless.
"I-I see. I get it... Boys have it pretty tough too, don't they?"
"Ah, sorry, Funf-san. You were kind enough to invite me for tea, and here I am just venting to you."
"No, I don't mind at all. So, in the end, what is it that’s actually troubling you, Kaito? I hope it’s something I can actually help with..."
Smiling with a slightly troubled expression, the woman offering to listen to my woes was Funf-san, a member of Kuro's Family. She was a kind, caring person who perfectly suited the "big sister" role among Kuro’s kin, and I occasionally turned to her for advice.
It just so happened that Funf-san had invited me over today, and we were enjoying tea together. However, when she mentioned that tomorrow was Valentine’s Day, the conversation had naturally drifted to my current predicament.
"Well, the truth is... I haven't finished eating them yet."
"Y-Yes?"
"...To be honest, I still haven't finished eating... last year's Valentine's chocolates. And there are a few people who have me feeling very uneasy about tomorrow..."
That was it. The problem I currently faced was that my consumption could not keep up with the sheer volume of chocolate I received. I knew it was a luxury problem, and I truly was happy to be thought of, but the issue lay in the fact that there were individuals whose "love" was far too heavy.
For instance, last year, Ein-san had sent me 100 pieces each of 100 different varieties of chocolate. That was ten thousand pieces right there. Setting aside the fact that a single person couldn't possibly eat that much in a year, the real problem was that there were others who sent even more overwhelming gifts.
Problem Child Number One: Pandora-san. She sent me the deeds to a commercial association that manufactured chocolate—along with the chairman of said association bound in heavy chains. When I asked Alice to handle that, Pandora decided to wrap herself in rough rope instead of a ribbon while completely naked and waited for me on my bed. I managed to avoid disaster by using my ultimate weapon, "Help Me, Shiro-san," but it was a moment where I felt a sincere threat to my chastity.
Problem Child Number Two: Catastro-san. She gave me a gift that was heavy in two different ways: high-end chocolate she had purchased using money saved by fasting for an entire month.
Problem Child Number Three: Phoenix-san. She came charging in while gift-wrapped herself, carrying a tag that labeled her "Valentine-style Yakitori." I thought it was some high-level gag, but her eyes were dead serious.
Problem Child Number Four: Gluttony-san. Since she had a bizarre palate, she sent me a monster that looked like a deep-sea fish. It was soft yet had a rubbery texture that made it impossible to bite through.
Problem Child Number Five: Moloch-san. She sent a mountain of skewered animals that looked like they belonged in some kind of demonic ritual.
Problem Child Number Six: Megiddo-san. He sent a substance that looked like... well, chocolate, but possessed a terrifying color. It was so spicy that any normal human would have surely died upon eating it.
Problem Child Number Seven: Life-san. For some reason, she coated the Goddess of Harvest in chocolate, packed her neatly into a box, and sent her over. Naturally, I returned her with the utmost courtesy.
Problem Child Number Eight: Shiro-san. She created a Tree that Grows Chocolate and grew it in my garden without asking.
Problem Child Number Nine: Zwei-san. She sent a life-sized statue of me made entirely of chocolate. It was so realistic it was actually off-putting, and honestly... I didn't really want to eat myself.
And finally, the ultimate, beyond-absurd Problem Child: Eden-san. She sent a "Planet Made of Chocolate." The words themselves didn't even make sense. What on earth was I supposed to do with a chocolate planet?
Actually, now that I thought about it, weren't almost all of the problem children the Phantasm King's Subordinates?!
"...I-I see. That is... quite the problem. Most of that is stuff I can't really do anything about, and my own family is involved in the rest. I'm so sorry, Kaito. I don't think Big Sis Ein or Big Sis Zwei meant any harm... but since they both have such uncompromising personalities, things tend to escalate."
"No, well, one way or another, I'm happy that they care about me that much. Just having you listen to me has made me feel a bit better, Funf-san."
"Really? I feel like I've just been listening without being any real help. I wanted to give you some advice, but I can only think of something very basic."
"Wait, is there a way?"
"No, it's really nothing fancy. Everyone just gets so enthusiastic because they love you, Kaito. I was just thinking that if you told them, 'I want to eat it with you, so please only give me an amount the two of us can share,' they might hold back a little bit."
"...!?"
I-I see... That was actually a brilliant move. It wouldn't work on people like Gluttony-san or Megiddo-san, whose sense of taste was fundamentally broken, but it might get some of the others to exercise a bit of self-restraint.
"Thank you, Funf-san! I think that might actually make things a little more manageable."
"I'm glad if I could be of even a little help to you."
"I'm really glad I talked to you."
"Ah, ahaha... When you say it like that, it's a little embarrassing."
"Hmm?"
When I thanked her for the excellent advice, Funf-san gave a strained laugh and looked away awkwardly for some reason. As I tilted my head in confusion, she reached into her Magic Box and pulled out a small container.
"Well, you see, I'm not quite the saint you think I am, Kaito. After all, despite hearing how much you're struggling to finish all your chocolate... I'm about to add one more to the pile."
"Wait... is that...?"
"Just kidding, ahaha. I don't think it's particularly exciting to receive something from an unremarkable woman like me, but we've always been on good terms. It would make me happy if you'd accept it."
"Thank you! I'd be happy to."
She was kind, caring, a master of housework, possessed vast knowledge, was stunningly beautiful, and had an incredible figure. Setting aside the fact that she was the "ideal woman" to her own family and was anything but unremarkable, this was a wonderful, if unexpected, surprise.
I had heard that Funf-san made and distributed chocolates to her family every year, so she had likely prepared mine along with theirs. I thanked her and opened the small box to find six chocolates neatly lined up inside. They looked delicious just by their appearance alone.
"I'm truly happy to have this."
"I-It's a little embarrassing to see you that happy about it. Ah, sorry. I should get back to guarding the city gate soon."
"Right. Thank you so much for the advice, and for the gift."
"Don't worry about it. I'll help you whenever I can. Oh—and one more thing while I'm at it."
With a gentle smile, Funf-san stood up from her chair and walked over to me.
"You probably think I just made this because I had leftovers from the batch I made for my family. So, consider this a bonus—mwah."
"........................Eh?"
"Well then, see you later."
"........................................Eh?"
With a fluid motion, Funf-san pressed a light kiss against my cheek. She pulled away with a smile, looking like she’d just successfully pulled off a prank, and made her exit.
Left behind, my brain couldn't quite process what had just happened. I stood there staring blankly at the door she had disappeared through, my fingers grazing the spot on my cheek where the faint sensation of her lips still lingered.
After leaving Kaito and reaching the city gate where she was stationed, Funf leaned against the stone wall and slowly slid down to a sitting position. Her face was as red as an apple, and she pressed her hand to her chest as if trying to steady her racing heart.
(I did it... Oh, I'm in trouble. Is this what they call being swept away by the moment? I have no idea what kind of face I’m supposed to make the next time I see him...)
Though she had maintained a composed facade in front of Kaito, she was currently a mess internally.
(Kaito would surely be overwhelmed... to find out he’s liked by a troublesome woman like me, someone who’s only experiencing her first love after living for thousands of years.)
To her, Kaito was someone precious to her family—and, at the same time, the object of a very late first love.
"...I intended to keep it hidden in my heart, though."
With an expression that wavered between confusion and regret, Funf stared idly at the sky while leaning against the gate.
Yes... right now, it was still regret. It would be a little while longer before the feelings in her heart shifted to "I'm glad I took action."