I headed toward the incinerator to dump the piles of grass I had mowed.
"Coffee, coffee, treats, treats, la la la..."
Since Alicia and Mariana were supposedly getting the refreshments ready while I was out here, I was in the best mood possible. I love tea time. It’s a precious moment of healing for my weary heart and body, a time to just breathe.
And yet—why did it have to turn out like this?
"Are you Laguna Ver Brave?"
"Eh? Uh, yeah. I’m Laguna."
I turned around, surprised to hear someone actually address me by name for once, only to find myself surrounded by dozens of mages disguised as Academy teachers. Even though it was a holiday, wasn't this a bit much for broad daylight? I knew a declaration of war had been issued, but this was remarkably blatant.
Actually, wait. Looking around, there weren't just a dozen of them—there were dozens. Isn't that overkill?
"I’m really sorry, but I honestly don't have time to deal with you guys right now," I said, my face involuntarily twisting into a scowl as the group began radiating pure murderous intent the moment I confirmed my identity.
I didn't care how many of them showed up, but the timing was truly atrocious. I had worked myself to the bone, following orders to finish the weeding and pest control at record speed, all because I knew coffee and handmade sweets were waiting for me at the house.
Why now? I was about to snap.
"I see. So you are the one."
"Look, I won't kill you, so please just come back tonight or something. I’m begging you."
"Enough talk—!"
Snap.
I broke the neck of the first mage who rushed at me with such misplaced confidence.
"Dammit... I did that without thinking..."
If possible, I had wanted to get through today peacefully without actually starting a fight, but the guy had lunged at me barehanded despite being drenched in bloodlust. I’d ended up killing him by reflex. Honestly, though, what an idiot. In a fight between mages, who the hell tries to punch someone with their bare hands?
"What?! He was an elite even among the Dark Section!"
"To think Karapanchi of the Empty Fist could be taken down so easily..."
"The man famous for his invisible air-fists... How could he..."
I had no idea who they were talking about. Based on the name, did he use magic shaped like an air cannon? If he had tried to use any kind of spell on me, my barrier would have reacted automatically. The fact that it hadn't meant he was just another nobody who died before he could even trigger his magic.
Seriously, stop sending such trash after me in the middle of the day! Dealing with them was a waste of effort, and they only had numbers on their side. Even as we stood here, the coffee and snacks were undoubtedly waiting for my return.
"I don't know who sent you, but you'd better be ready."
I felt bad for making the girls wait, and I had really wanted to avoid a public killing spree inside the Academy, but I didn't have much of a choice.
"I am in an incredibly foul mood right now."
When I unleashed my killing intent, only one mage had the sense to gasp. It was the man holding a shortsword directly in front of him. I could tell he was watching my every move with extreme caution. I didn't like that he was terrified, but fear is the most vital emotion for survival, so I'd give him credit for that much.
"Hmph. Just a lowly monkey from the Abandoned Land."
"So you managed to take one of us out with a surprise attack. So what?"
"That’s right! Witness the true power of the Royal Capital’s Dark Section!"
The rest of them were hopeless. Truly hopeless.
Dozens of mages surrounded me, yet I could count the number of people holding actual weapons on one hand. They either held nothing or carried staves with an air of "behold, I am a mage." Granted, a staff is a functional tool for magic. In chantless casting, where mental imagery is everything, the act of pointing at a three-dimensional coordinate helps conserve cognitive resources.
But it’s still just a tool.
Even though they were mages who could supposedly cast without chanting—having overcome the vulnerability of the casting window—they were still relying on staves that had zero lethality on their own. In bicycle terms, those are training wheels. You'd be a hundred times better off holding a long wooden stick; the extra reach would let you maintain distance, which is a mage's primary advantage.
Not that it mattered in the grand scheme of things.
"This is a hassle, so just come at me all at once. My schedule is full after this, so make it quick."
"My, aren't you a mouthy little brat for someone who looks like he doesn't even know the taste of a kiss?"
"—Hah?"
"Eep!"
When I glared at her, the female mage who had uttered those forbidden words collapsed in terror, her legs giving out.
That was it. I was officially done.
"That was it. I’m officially done."
My internal monologue spilled right out of my mouth. I walked straight through the circle of mages toward the woman.
"Y-You idiot! Don't let his pressure overwhelm you!" the most competent mage, the one with the shortsword, screamed. "Surround him and attack now! Treat him like a veteran of a thousand battles!"
The mages, who had been frozen as they watched me approach, snapped back to their senses and launched a coordinated assault. Tornadoes of razor-sharp blades, a downpour of flaming arrows, earthen spears erupting from the ground, boiling water—a massive barrage of magic was unleashed upon me.
I didn't bother to dodge. There wasn't any point. Against the thin, skin-tight barrier covering my entire body, the magic of these amateurs couldn't even leave a scratch.
"W-Why is he still standing...?"
"Impossible..."
"My ultimate spell... it did nothing..."
Even after the dust cleared, I was standing there as if nothing had happened. The mages were stunned. There’s no such thing as an "ultimate" spell or any other such nonsense. Magic is just a means to an end—the end being that people die when you cut their heads off. If they thought firing off a spell from a distance was the end of the conversation, they weren't even third-rate; they needed to go back to being students and start over.
"Trash, the lot of you."
"Hie... ah... p-please stop! Big sister will give you a kiss—guk!"
I twisted the neck of the begging mage and snapped it. As I looked at her lolling tongue, her rolled-back eyes, and the way her tight skirt was now soaked with her own urine, I realized there was absolutely no way I could ever want a kiss from something like that.
"Request denied."
I’ve already decided that my first kiss will be as romantic and dramatic as possible. It’s not something to be done lightly by a mere student. Dammit. I’m not some "Beast of Brave" who just devours whatever is in front of him.
Ideally, it should happen at a wedding, or maybe an engagement ceremony. I’ll summon Onyx and vow my eternal love before a dragon; since I’ll be more used to the atmosphere by then, I’ll probably be able to handle it, right? That’s the kind of thing a girl wants—something dramatic, romantic, emotional, and sentimental, straight out of a fairy tale.
"Kissing while you're still a student is just being a beast! You hear me?! Hah?!"
"W-What is he talking about...?"
"You think 'eccentric' is a good look for you?! You bitch!"
I kicked the woman's corpse away, sending the surrounding mages into a state of pure hysteria.
"He killed a fellow mage with his bare hands and then kicked the body..."
"He’s a disgrace to our kind..."
I didn't give a damn about their "way of the mage." I’d never even heard of it. Don't talk to me about being a disgrace when you're the ones at the bottom of the food chain.
"If you came here to kill, you should have had the resolve to be killed yourselves, right?"
In this situation, where all their magic had failed, I was the predator at the peak of the ecosystem, and they were nothing but pathetic rabbits. If they had any self-awareness, they would have vanished already. The ones with any real sense had already fled.
However, for the brave fools who remained, I decided I’d let anyone who could answer my question live.
"Does anyone among you know the taste of a kiss?"
Hey. Answer me. Back in my old world, they sold drinks and snacks at convenience stores that claimed to be "The Taste of First Love." What the hell flavor was that supposed to be?!
"ANSWER MEEEEEEEE!"
Dammit allllllllll!
On that day, the dark mage guild known as the "Dark Section" lost a massive portion of its personnel and effectively collapsed. It was said that the disappearance of their most talented members, who vanished from both the capital and the country entirely, was the final blow.
When the mage known as "Shortsword of Boiling Water" was eventually found and captured in a neighboring country, he reportedly begged in tears to be allowed to stay there. The phrase "the taste of a kiss," which he muttered repeatedly while trembling, would go on to leave the Dark Section of that neighboring country in a state of utter confusion.