If someone asked me if my life had been unhappy until now, the only answer I could give would be "I don't know."
I wonder when it started, though. When did I begin to feel more at ease when joy and tragedy arrived hand-in-hand, rather than experiencing pure happiness alone? When did I stop wondering "what if" about the past and start simply resigning myself to the idea that things couldn't be helped?
I wasn't particularly wealthy, but I wasn't poor either. I was born into a perfectly ordinary family and lived an unremarkable childhood. I remember playing outside a lot during elementary school, and while I wouldn't say I had many friends, I had a decent enough circle.
If I tried to summarize my life so far, a single sheet of paper would be more than enough. It was a life of ordinary, flat, and repetitive days... If I had to name the only major event, it would be that my parents died suddenly when I was twelve.
Even that wasn't some grand tragedy out of a TV drama, like a terminal illness or being caught up in some high-profile incident. It was just one of the hundreds of thousands of traffic accidents that occur in Japan every year.
On the way back from a family trip, there was a pile-up on the highway. Pinned between a large vehicle and a truck, our small family car was crushed as if by a hydraulic press. My parents passed away in an instant, while I miraculously survived with nothing but a minor laceration stretching from my ear to my neck.
An unfortunate accident and a miraculous survival—in other words, I was lucky. I survived because I was lucky, and my parents died because they were unlucky.
In the end, I think that’s just how life and death are. Some people die young despite being careful with their health, while others live long lives even though they smoke like chimneys and drink like fish.
I never thought of my parents' deaths as some grand injustice, and I never considered myself the protagonist of a tragedy. The relatives who took me in treated me well, and I had no complaints about my daily life.
However, I started thinking about it frequently: luck is just two sides of the same coin. There is no life of pure fortune, just as there is no life of pure misfortune. If something lucky happens, then an equal amount of misfortune is bound to follow eventually.
No coin lands on heads forever. If I survived through good luck, would I one day draw the tails side of that miraculous coin? Or was the death of my parents the tails side to begin with?
Once I started thinking like that, what happened to me? At first, I think I just ran away.
"Normies"—people who could build wide-ranging relationships with friends, lovers, and family—must surely be happy. But if I became like them, I would have to be prepared for an equal amount of misfortune.
The happiness felt when achieving a goal must be great, so to earn it, I would have to face an equal amount of suffering.
It became terrifying just to feel happy. I couldn't feel at ease unless a good event and a bad one came as a set.
So I ran. I turned my eyes toward games and books, immersing myself in a hollow sense of fulfillment.
Once I became a university student, I learned how to blend in. I learned the art of interacting without causing friction, naturally maintaining my distance and remaining alone. I didn't need a dramatic life. A flat, unchanging existence where I could remain a supporting character felt comfortable.
That was why, when I was summoned to this other world, I felt relieved that I wasn't the Hero and that I didn't possess any special powers. I thought it was fine this way—that I could be ordinary here, too.
...Yes, for a long time... I kept piling up excuses.
"I loved my parents so much. I really loved my kind mother and my wonderful father."
...No.
"I was truly happy going on trips with my family. I believed that times like that would continue forever."
......No.
"I cried out, resenting God, asking why I was the only one who survived, why He didn't let me die along with my parents."
............No.
"I became afraid. I started thinking only about how, if I became involved with others, if I became close to someone, if I became happy, I would just end up losing it all again."
................No.
"The truth is, I didn't want to be alone. I wanted friends. I wanted a lover. I was so envious of those with families it hurt. But I was too scared to approach anyone, so I desperately made up excuses, created reasons to be alone, and kept running away."
......................No.
"I'm afraid of losing things. I'm terrified of getting what I want. But I couldn't give up on those desires either, so I developed a habit of maintaining a distance that was neither too close nor too far. I used harmless words and kept a humble distance so that I wouldn't be hated—but also so that I wouldn't be liked."
No, no.
"In the end, my heart has been frozen since the day of that accident, like a child crouching and trembling... I want someone to love me. But I can't move closer myself. So I want someone to reach out to me, to pick up the pieces of my heart that have shattered into fragments I can no longer recognize."
No, no, no!
"I hoped for it. When I learned I was caught up in the Hero Summoning, I thought maybe I could become someone special. I thought if I were special, someone would save me... But in the end, I wasn't anyone special here, either. I remained all alone, without acquaintances or friends. Even though the world changed, I couldn't change myself..."
................
"The truth is, I was terrified. Of this nonsensical world, of my own situation, of people I didn't know at all... But precisely because of that, I desperately suppressed my anxiety, thinking I had to act composed. If they thought I was a pathetic adult, Aoi-san and Hina-san might lose faith in me. If they thought I was a burden, Lilia-san and Lunamaria-san might abandon me."
..............
"I'm doing my best! Even though I keep lying to myself, I'm trying so hard to look good to others!! Why, why does everything go wrong for me?! I didn't ask for a Men-prohibited Mansion! I didn't say a word about wanting to go out on the first day I was sent to another world!! Lilia-san, whom the King dotes on, summoned me—I didn't want any of that to happen!!!"
............
"I want someone to be by my side... I want someone to affirm this heart full of contradictions, to tell me it's okay... I want someone to reach out with a hand full of love..."
......
Perhaps that was the scream that had always been in my heart. Unnoticed by anyone, not even fully understood by myself. A selfish desire, like a child's tantrum.
Before I knew it, I had built a wall. A barrier around my heart, far too large to see over. A cage to hide my weak self, a shield to protect my cowardly soul.
—See, didn't I tell you? I'll help you if you're in trouble~
There was no way anyone would notice. There was no way anyone would care. That's what I thought, and yet...
—So, it's okay to be empty right now.
But she was there before I knew it.
—I'll teach you! About the things you don't know, the sights you've never seen, and about this world!
As if to say that the wall around my heart had never existed in the first place, she stepped into my innermost depths as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
—A story where you are the protagonist!!
And then, as if it were the most natural thing, she reached out a hand to me as I sat there crouching.
—Muu, I'll be upset if you don't talk to me the same way you always do~
Sometimes dragging me around like a friend...
—I think a person who can do that naturally is really cool.
Sometimes affirming me like a lover...
—It's okay. I'll be right here by your side...
And sometimes giving me the words I needed to hear like a mother.
As if she saw right through everything, she was boisterous and warm, innocent and kind... she always gave me the smile I wanted most.
Embracing my contradictory thoughts, picking up the pieces of my shattered heart one by one, she gently gave me a push forward.
Ah, I see—that was it. Perhaps I finally understand. What I wanted—what I had been searching for all this time—
From within a comfortable haze, my consciousness slowly awakened. As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw a pair of kind eyes gazing at me.
"...Kuro?"
"Good morning, Kaito-kun."
"Good morning... How long was I out?"
"About an hour, I think."
"I see."
I slowly sat up. Strangely, my body felt light, as if I had shed a heavy weight.
"You look like you've refreshed somehow."
"Ah... yeah. Well, how should I put it..."
To be honest, I haven't come up with a final answer for what I want to do or who I want to become.
However, the thought occurred to me that I should stop just staying curled up in a ball.
"I think I'll try to do my best again, in my own way."
"I see... Then I'll cheer you on. Do your best, Kaito-kun!"
"Yeah, thanks."
There are still so many things I don't understand about this world or myself... but my environment has changed, after all. It’s a good time to start walking.
Yes, first, I’ll start by figuring out who I am. There is anxiety and fear, but I’ll be okay. I was given the courage to take the first step. Just as Kuro said, I'll try to make a fresh start here, in this world.
The story titled "Kaito Miyama"—a book I had once closed with my own hands...