The boys and I were admitted to the hospital immediately.
The cause was discovered almost instantly.
The salt wasn't exactly lethal, but it was contaminated with substances that were incredibly bad for the human body. There were bacteria involved, but it was primarily chemical pollutants.
When the nanomachines inside our bodies detected the contaminants, they solidified everything we had eaten and forced it out.
In other words, we became permanent residents of the toilet.
It was a Mach-speed jet...
My dignity—along with that of Isono and the others who had tried to act like connoisseurs by eating their yakitori with salt—was utterly sacrificed. Even Rikochi, who had only eaten pickled cucumbers, wasn't spared.
Saijo-kun’s return to Wifey’s battleship was canceled. We found ourselves reaffirming the bonds of our brotherhood as a group of pathetic guys.
Wait, what? "Kill Leo"?
Hey, it wasn't my fault! If you have a complaint, take it up with Parcion!
The incident was reported extensively across Chronos. The Count 1-2-3 Chronos Branch President even offered to resign.
I told him that wasn't necessary! I tried my best to talk him out of it, but he just hung his head and said, "I have done something unforgivable to the King..."
The citizens of Chronos are absolutely livid. Public opinion has shifted toward a collective cry of "Let’s kill Parcion..."
The aftershocks reached other nations as well. Both the Taikyoku Nation and Latarnia immediately suspended all trade with Parcion. Several of Parcion-kun's trading companies went bankrupt overnight.
I mean, we were performing inspections! But this situation reveals one glaring truth: Parcion-kun, your industry is dead, isn't it?
One could interpret this as a deliberate act of sabotage, but the more likely reality is that they simply lost the ability to manufacture it properly. There are many ways that can happen—loss of technology, inability to import industrial machinery, or simply reaching a point where it's no longer profitable.
It’s fairly common for a specialty to be made by a private shop, only for the recipe to be lost when the owner retires. Since we’re talking about salt-making technology here, it probably wasn't a small shop, but the fine details of the process differ from planet to planet. Seawater and soil components vary, after all.
I suspect that Parcion-kun lost the specific recipes required for each planet. Given they’re a totalitarian state... maybe the experts were purged?
And so, the tainted salt slipped through inspections and ended up in my stomach. If you have military nanomachines, you won't die, so I suppose you could say things turned out well in the end. Parcion-kun's food products were already under a trade suspension, but now salt is officially under an embargo as well.
Currently, I was on an IV drip to treat the dehydration caused by the forced ejection of the toxins. The other boys and Rikochi were in the same boat.
I received a call from Isono, whose skin had turned as dry as parchment. He was clearly bored out of his mind.
"Drop dead!"
"That's the first thing you say to me!?"
"This is definitely your ESP's fault! It's an influence from your ability!"
"It can't be helped! I can't control it myself!"
I’d actually had the Empire's Esper Organization measure my power, but they told me it was an ability that couldn't be detected by any known instrument, so I just gave up on trying to control it.
"That might be true, but come on! What do you mean, we were almost annihilated by diarrhea!?"
"I know, right? Let's just be thankful it wasn't a real disease."
Just then, the door to my sickroom opened.
"Hi, Leo. How are you feeling? Oh, were you on the phone with Isono-kun?"
Kevin walked in.
"Kevin! Scold this idiot for me!" Isono pleaded over the line, but Kevin just offered a pleasant smile.
"It’s a good thing it was us, though. Since we have military nanomachines, we won't die."
"But it was a literal jet coming out of my ass!"
"Gross, keep it to yourself. Alright, Leo, let me take your temperature."
"Okaaay."
Kevin was a surgeon, but she was also a qualified nurse. However, as a surgeon, she was as green as they come. She had far more experience as a nurse. Because of that, she had likely been tasked with babysitting us morons.
"You still have a fever. That’s expected; expelling toxins puts a massive strain on the intestines."
There are stages to toxin expulsion. The mild version involves using magnesium to encourage movement. This time, however, it was a forced ejection where the intestines and muscles were stimulated directly by electricity.
Extreme Jet Discharge.
As a side effect—or perhaps just from the physical trauma—it's common to run a slight fever.
"The Anal Lord of Mito has surpassed his limits..."
"Yes, yes, you're very energetic."
She completely ignored me. As I thought... Kevin really hates dirty jokes.
"So, what’s the news from Chronos?"
"A total trade ban with Parcion."
"Figures... sigh... I want to go back to being a pilot."
"Yeah, yeah. Alright, roll over and show me your butt."
"Huh?"
"I'm giving you an injection, so show me your butt."
"Why the ass!?"
"It’s a dose of nanomachines to repair the anus. You’ve got anal fissures, after all."
"How tragic! How can this be allowed to happen to a king!?"
Don't say the H-word! It makes it start hurting all over again!
"Oh, be quiet! It’s not like we haven't seen each other naked before!"
"You! That was back when you were a guy!"
We were referring to the Officer Academy boys' shower room. Come to think of it, she had a pale, slender body even back then... Now she was a healthy, busty girl. We had certainly come a long way.
"What's with that look? Just do it, come on!"
She flipped me onto my stomach and pulled down my pants. My rear was exposed to the world.
Noooo, stooooop!
"Here comes the needle."
Prick.
"Ahnn!"
Oh, it didn't actually hurt. Ah, she hit a spot without many pain receptors. I see.
But I've had enough! This is so embarrassing!
"Alright, all done."
Still facedown, I lifted my hips to pull my underwear back up and whimpered a single line.
"I... I can't be a bride anymore..."
"You're already a married man!"
Whack!
She slapped my butt. I could only sob into my pillow.
"Gyahahaha! Serves you right!" Isono howled with laughter through the phone.
Then, Kevin added one more thing with a bright smile.
"By the way, Isono-kun, Hanako-san finished her nursing qualification."
"Pardon?"
"She said she got it through a correspondence course because she was bored."
"Pardon?"
Rattle, rattle, rattle.
The sound of a door sliding open echoed from Isono’s end.
"Darling~, it's time for your injection~♪"
"Wait, hold on, Hanako-san. Eh, no, not the butt! Not the buuuuuuuuutt!"
The scream of an idiot echoed through the hospital. And so, evil was vanquished.
Incidentally, Saijo-kun was reportedly injected by a male nurse for the mysterious reason of "not wanting to destroy the dreams of women."
"Here, take your painkiller."
Kevin handed me the medicine.
"Won't the nanomachines handle it?"
"If it can be treated with oral medication, that’s always the better option."
I guess that’s how it works. I swallowed the pills.
I won't forgive you for this, Parcion...
Later, "Kill Parcion" became the shared consensus among our Officer Academy male cohort. This humiliation... the fact that I almost awakened to a strange sexual fetish... I will never forgive them.
I won't forgive Kawagon!