It was the entrance ceremony for Mike & Hammer Co.
To be more precise, it was the “new” Mike & Hammer, given that I’d recently acquired all of its shares. On the surface, however, it was owned by a local collaborator Karen-san had introduced to me.
I attended the ceremony wearing a suit. I liked this. It felt right.
“Everyone, please prepare your death poems so you don't bring shame upon yourselves as Mike & Hammer ninjas!”
Wait, what?
Ninjas? Like, actual ninjas?
And death poems?
I’d heard I was joining as administrative staff. I wasn't trying to play some “Yankee Salaryman” game here!
“Alright, listen up! This is your new employee training! We’re raiding Mikoshi Trading!”
Wait—what?
I found myself changing into a Lepsitol-made protector. What kind of knock-off ninja was this supposed to be? The helmet was a full-face monkey mask. Oook-ook!
Then, the captain of our squad approached. He was a massive guy covered in scales.
“Captain-san, me this person.”
I greeted him with a thick Latarnia accent, handing over my business card.
“Hoh... a dispatch from the Pirate Guild? Name’s ‘Kawagon,’ eh? Well, do your best.”
“Thank you very much.”
I gave a polite bow.
“Listen up! If you make it back alive, I’m buying sushi! Let’s move!”
“Much obliged.”
My pulse rifle was Latarnia-made, so I could use it without any problems. Aside from that, I had kunai, shuriken, makibishi... and a Ninja Sword. Not a proper ninja katana, but one of those cheap, knock-off Ninja Swords.
How had it come to this?
Originally, I was supposed to be doing this new employee training as a punishment. My ears had bled during the last battle—apparently, it had been a precursor to a serious injury. Kevin had forced me to sit in seiza while he chewed me out, and then those idiots thought it would be funny to order me into “new employee training” as a penalty.
I was supposed to be making copies and answering the phone while being talked down to as a lowly administrative staffer. The plan was to get a feel for Lepsitol's corporate culture and then use the pirates to stir things up. But why a ninja?
I was transported in an armored vehicle toward the Mikoshi Trading Co. Capital Branch. Their headquarters was apparently on a different planet. While I was tilting my head in confusion, I received a communication from Fairy-san.
“Leo-kun! Where are you?! Everyone in your department is out looking for you! This was supposed to be a ‘connections’ hire!”
“I went to the entrance ceremony and ended up assigned to the Ninja Squad. We’re raiding Mikoshi Trading right now. I’m in the armored vehicle.”
“Huh?”
“No, like I said, we’re raiding Mikoshi Trading.”
“Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha! Why did it turn out like that?!”
“I don't know.”
I really didn’t.
Once we arrived at the branch office, we were deployed from the armored vehicle. The captain’s training began immediately.
“You lot, watch this.”
The captain was hauling a rocket launcher.
“If you don’t want to die, don't stand behind me!”
He didn't mean it in some professional assassin sense; he meant the backfire would literally kill you. I knew that much—I was a professional soldier!
“Pleased to meet you! It is a trivial thing, but please accept it!”
The captain bellowed the greeting while slamming a rocket into the building. I actually kind of liked this!
Then the captain barked out orders at the top of his lungs.
“Charge!”
“Captain-san! Me, destroy switchboard and server.”
“You an expert?!”
“Me knowledgeable.”
First, I did what I always do. Once I’d infiltrated the building, I slipped through a gap in the ceiling into the air ducts. I climbed the elevator cables and then slid back into the ducts to enter the server room.
Inside, an engineer... pulled a gun on me!
“I am this kind of person!”
I threw a shuriken instead of a business card. I was glad Melissa had taught me how! I quickly bound the man with a nearby communication cable.
“Captain-san, server room suppressed.”
“You... you're former Special Forces, aren't you?”
“No, Kawagon potato farmer.”
“Don't lie! Hey, you, confess—”
Since it was a hassle, I cut the transmission. First, I used the information terminal on my protector to create a back door, giving Mike & Hammer free rein to extract whatever they wanted.
“Server, back door created.”
“Acknowledged. You really are Special Forces...”
I cut the comms again. Next, the lighting. I used my terminal to shut off the building's lights remotely.
“Lighting cut.”
“You are definitely Special Forces...”
Communication ended. No. I’m a pilot. And a potato farmer.
I left the server room, only to have a group of engineers look toward me all at once.
“J-Just the cleaning crew!”
“Liar!”
I had no choice, so I blurred through the room at ultra-high speed, delivering neck chops. Since I was bad at them, they were just normal knockouts, but I figured worrying about form was a losing game. Was everyone else just naturally gifted at neck chops? I was still terrible at them.
After knocking out about ten people, I moved into the hallway. I spotted armed Yakuza heading down the stairs.
“Captain-san, Yakuza go down!”
“Acknowledged! Kawagon, you secure the branch manager!”
“Understood.”
I wondered why it had come to this? I was already being asked to do work far beyond a new employee’s pay grade. Did I just get treated like this no matter where I went?
I disabled the alarms and sensors, then pried open the elevator doors. I climbed the cables briskly until I reached the top floor. I peeked into the executive office from the ceiling.
“Boss! The Mike & Hammer bastards are hitting us!”
A man who looked like a total Yakuza was shouting. The only difference was the scales on his face.
“Now, now, there's no need to panic. Reinforcements will be here soon,” a grubby middle-aged man with a barcode-style comb-over replied.
I see, so that was the branch manager.
Then, the Yakuza-looking guy grabbed a spear from the corner of the room... a classic trope!
“Hmph!”
He actually tried to skewer me through the ceiling! Give me a break! I crashed through the panels and jumped down, dropping an elbow straight onto the Yakuza's head. I knocked him out in a single blow.
“Manager-san, prepare yourself!”
“Who the hell are youuuuuuuuu?!”
He fired his gun, but there was no way he’d hit me. I evaded every shot. Fuhahahaha! I wasn't afraid of guns!
“Punishment!”
I slid under his feet and tripped him. I moved behind him instantly and locked my arm around his throat. Grappling! A relentlessly clingy ground game! And... he was out.
“Captain-san, branch manager captured.”
With the person in charge secured, the rest of their defense would crumble. Fuhahahaha!
As I was laughing to myself, a communication came in from Fairy-san.
“Leo-kun! It was a system error! You were accidentally assigned to the Ninja Squad because of a glitch!”
“Then I guess I’ll go back to being a normal employee when I return...”
“It’s too late for that! Everyone is already talking about ‘Who is that high-profile rookie?!’ Why can’t you ever just stay quiet?!”
“I don't know either.”
I felt like this was just destiny at work. In that whole Jester-style context of mine.