The stadium was already finished.
Qualifying rounds were taking place across every nation.
One particular team from the Ogre God Nation’s capital—vaguely reminiscent of a certain "Tigers" team—had posted a disastrous record in the league. The citizens of the Ogre God Nation whispered that it was the curse of "Colonel Thunder," the mascot of the Count One-Two-Three chain.
Like I care.
As for the Colonel, he didn't have a smiling face and glasses; he looked more like the president of a certain sushi chain... actually, never mind.
Regardless, the fans insisted the curse was why they’d been utterly crushed by their opponents. A group of enraged Ogre God volunteers decided to pull a two-story festival float painted in their team colors and race it through the streets. They lost control and plowed into a building that served as both a shop and a residence; both the house and the float reportedly collapsed.
What are you people even doing?
Let’s put aside the "might-is-right" Ogre God Nation for a moment.
In Latarnia, the representative team secured a victory through matches that resembled calculated games of Shogi, a style typical of long-lived species. Unlike the Ogre God chaos, it was actually soothing to watch.
The real surprise, however, was the Taikyoku Nation.
Normally, its citizens are incredibly well-mannered, but...
"Fucking kill them!"
The cheers for the Taikyoku capital team were nothing short of terrifying.
At that moment, I was at a Taikyoku-run baseball bar in Chronos. Shiyun had invited me.
As for Shiyun herself, her usual gentle demeanor was nowhere to be found.
"You piece of shit, get off the field! You totally could’ve caught that!"
Her eyes were bloodshot. I, One-oh-one, and Tatiana were huddling in the corner, trying to make ourselves as small as possible while we cheered.
"Ah, another order of fries over here."
"Coming right up, King!"
"I would like some as well, de-arimasu!"
"You got it, Miss One!"
"I’ll take a cream soda-ssu."
"Coming right up, Saint!"
I mean, look at the other customers—they were all Forbidden Army guards and diplomats from the Taikyoku Nation. Yet here they were, arms draped over their Emperor’s shoulders, belting out the capital team’s fight song together. They were hardcore!
"I’m glad it’s not soccer today," the owner muttered.
...I think I’ll pass on any future invitations if soccer is involved-ssu.
Eventually, we watched the game to the end. I settled the bill for everyone and managed to coax Shiyun back to the palace. She kept grumbling that she didn't want to leave yet, but I had to put my foot down—she was a minor, after all.
And seriously! You guys in the Forbidden Army! Don’t drink on duty, you idiots! As a military man, that’s one thing I won’t stand for!
"I have no excuse..."
"Big brother... you smell like booze too, don't you?"
"I am deeply, deeply sorry..."
Even Shiyun’s older brother was in on it! The Taikyoku people usually don't cause any trouble, but I decided I’d better keep a close eye on this specific habit.
Incidentally, brawls broke out in other Taikyoku-run sports bars. The police had to give quite a few people a place to stay for the night. The next day, news reports from the Taikyoku Nation itself mentioned large-scale riots. I suppose they were just venting steam.
Once the national representatives were decided, things got even more intense. Every corporation imaginable poured money into flashy expedition parades. The Taikyoku national anthem echoed everywhere, and the crowds wept openly. The sheer passion was overwhelming.
Freaked out by the intensity, we went to consult Isono.
"We’re obviously not holding them at the same time," Isono said. "Soccer starts after baseball ends. But man, we’ve got a problem..."
"What is it? Just tell me, you’re scaring me."
"They’re asking for a martial arts tournament, too."
"I refuse-gozaru."
"Why?!"
"Because Katori-sensei will definitely get involved! I’m absolutely not doing it!"
Avoiding becoming Katori-sensei’s prey was my top priority. I would never, ever hold a martial arts tournament!
"In the first place, real martial arts are boring."
"Wow, picking a fight with every discipline at once, are we?"
"Look, if you do swordsmanship with live blades, it’s just a cruel spectacle! It’s much more entertaining when truth and fiction are blurred together!"
Seriously. The moment you put on armor or use wooden swords and bamboo swords, it’s no longer "real" combat. So what’s the point in trying to make it real? A version that’s been safely turned into a competitive sport is perfectly fine. In fact, that version is often stronger anyway. We didn't need extreme rules.
I noticed Claire’s ears twitching as she organized documents in her role as my secretary. Nice try, Claire! I’m not going to touch that culture you treasure like your own life! The rules for that are just too difficult to manage!
"Anyway, we’re not doing it!"
I made my escape.
So, do you want to know what my beloved Grand Duchess of Chronos, Claire, did? Let me offer an excuse first: this wasn't my fault. She summoned Master Zaurus and Master Tank—absolute legends in this world—and established the Universe Unified Pro-wrestling Organization.
There had been an organization already, but she expanded it exponentially with her massive financial backing. Almost everyone in the pro-wrestling circuit was a disciple of either Master Tank or Master Zaurus, so the horizontal connections were incredibly strong. It was common for one group to fill in for another if a match had a vacancy. Creating a unified organization was a breeze.
It was already large enough that the Galactic Empire was practically begging to participate. And boy, those guys were good at building frameworks. While we were struggling to set up corporations for soccer and baseball by debating with civil officials—trying to include bigwigs from Latarnia, Taikyoku, Chronos, and the Ogre God Nation to ensure political legitimacy and budgets—the pro-wrestling faction had their corporation up and running in an instant. They had everything from revenue streams to promotions sorted out.
By the time the baseball representatives were finalized, they were already putting up posters that read: "All-Universe Tournament: Preparations Underway!"
Naturally, Katori-sensei eventually cornered me at the dojo.
"Care to explain what this is about?"
"I-I don't knoooow! Ask Claire!"
Eddy was also there, tied up in the martial arts hall.
"Hold. A swordsmanship. Tournament."
"Eddy, I’m counting on you to handle this!"
"You idiot! If the Ogre God people hear about this, it’ll be a disaster!"
"Exactly! It’s impossible-de-gowasu!"
"Rejected. Do it."
"Waaaaaaah!"
And so, having basically become promoters ourselves, we sat down to discuss how to sabotage the swordsmanship tournament. This was clearly something that would spiral out of control if we let it happen.
"Our best bet is to fake a total collapse... we’ll pretend we couldn't agree on the rules," Eddy said, his expression grim.
"That’s our only hope!" I agreed.
"The women are already voicing their opposition," Rikochi added with a serious face. "They’re saying, 'I don't want to do it because it’ll ruin my marriage prospects.'"
"Isn't that just you, Rikochi?"
"Shut up! Leo-kun... are you going to take responsibility for my marriage? Huh?!"
"...I’m sorry."
Rikochi was already famous as the Strongest Female Primate. I really did worry about her future marriage. I’m sure Wifey was concerned, too.
The sports tournament plans continued to move forward. Surprisingly, there was almost no outside interference. We, however, were focused entirely on blocking that swordsmanship tournament.
As if I was going to let Katori-sensei drag us into his madness!
Or so I thought...