There was a reason we couldn’t just dismiss the “Kevin Being a Beautiful Girl Theory” out of hand.
It came down to the photo collections. Well, he hated the idea of a solo spread, so technically it was the military public relations magazine, but...
They were selling like wildfire, so I’d set a premium price for both the print and digital versions.
And when I say premium, I mean roughly the price of the soccer, baseball, and pro-wrestling magazines Claire picked up every month.
The thickness was about the same, too.
There was simply too much to write about when it came to outer space.
These days, print magazines were a dying breed—maybe a few literary journals, some fashion mags, and the one sports rag for soccer, baseball, and wrestling. That was about it.
Even comic magazines for children had moved entirely to digital.
Aside from those, what else was left? The official gazette?
And then the military public relations magazine joined the list.
The print edition was sent to serious research institutions like universities.
The digital edition, meanwhile, served to satisfy the curiosity of the general public.
In fact, we’d even started publishing Latarnia, Taikyoku Nation, and Chronos editions.
Those sold themselves automatically, but any issue featuring Kevin, One-oh-one, or Tatiana would vanish in the blink of an eye.
And I do mean "featuring."
Kevin loathed gravure, so he’d only let us use photos taken during actual missions.
On the other hand, he was surprisingly eager to appear in the medical department public relations materials—though he’d usually offer a faint, dark smile and murmur, "I’ve... never actually stepped foot in the University Division, though."
...I’m so sorry, man. It’s my fault for being too weak to say no.
Now, I could understand Tatiana’s popularity. She occupied the “Saint Slot,” and the local religions practically bought out entire print runs. But the One-oh-one gravure issues?
Those were on another level.
Every single time, we underestimated the sales forecast and ended up with a massive shortage.
Fan clubs were popping up everywhere.
Currently, her popularity had exploded across the Galactic Empire, the Ogre God Nation, Latarnia, the Taikyoku Nation, and Chronos... basically everywhere we had a presence.
I’d wondered if people would be hesitant because she was a Zork, but it seemed the PR department had done a good job spreading the narrative that she’d been “sealed away and was an ally of the Empire from the very beginning.”
The current story was that she had teamed up with us to topple the Evil Queen, becoming the new Zork Queen to bring about peace.
Well, it wasn’t technically wrong.
Kevin was also framed as a victim of the Zorks.
The story went that he’d become the leader of the female-type Zorks—who were also victims—and was sheltering them in Kevin’s territory.
Kevin’s territory was a small planet, and the residents were all former middle-aged men who used to do manual labor.
They’d been rejuvenated and transformed into Zorks, giving them incredible physical strength even in female form.
As natural hard workers, they’d turned the planet into a bustling metropolis in no time.
Their primary industries were construction and a model dispatch agency.
The public saw it as a hidden paradise inhabited by beauties.
Since the ruler of such a place was a “Beautiful Girl Lord,” it was only natural for fan clubs to form.
What I didn't quite grasp was why they were idols even in the far reaches of space...
By the time I noticed, there wasn't even any room for me to apply political maneuvering.
In short, Kevin and One-oh-one were now transcendental beautiful girl idols.
Tatiana, meanwhile, was a literal object of worship.
Which meant... I wasn’t the crazy one!
I was definitely not the weird one here!
Uoooooohhhhhhhhh!
Clear the mind!
Blast the cold water shower!
I cooled my head and shifted into work mode.
I started by applying paint to my face.
How’s that? I looked like a pirate from every possible angle.
I donned my Hyahhaa equipment and boarded the Pirate Guild ship.
As soon as Claire and Melissa saw me, they both snorted.
“Leo, why on earth are you wearing Kabuki makeup?! Stop it... pfft... ahahaha!”
Claire was dressed in Chronosian-style garb.
“Ahahahaha! Captain, that’s too much!”
Melissa was wearing Latarnian traditional attire.
Then Ren, Kevin, and Tatiana arrived, and they all burst out laughing the moment they laid eyes on me.
The three of them were wearing Taikyoku Nation clothing.
“It—it’s a Kabuki actor! Leo, wait! That’s not a pirate, that’s a Kabuki performer!”
Maybe I’d missed the mark a bit...
“Husband... pfft! H-Hee... it hurts... please stop... hee-hee!”
Ren had clearly found her funny bone as well.
Hm. Maybe I had gotten it wrong.
A communication came in from another ship.
It was Eddy, Isono, and Nakajima.
“Pfft! Check out the moron! Gwah-ha-ha-ha!”
Isono was howling at me.
Of course, Isono himself was decked out in end-of-the-century fashion.
He had semi-naked spiked shoulder pads, chains, leather pants, and boots. He even had two axes strapped to his back.
Nakajima was sporting pro-wrestling-style face paint and the same end-of-the-century gear as Isono. For some reason, she was wielding a crossbow.
Seeing those two in a close-up caused my fiancées’ abdominal muscles to collapse entirely once more.
“Hey... did I somehow get the dress code wrong by myself?”
Eddy was the only one who stood out, looking worried in his tricorn hat and old-fashioned military outfit.
Actually, we were the ones who were wrong.
It was too funny to tell him, though.
So, what were we planning to do?
It was obvious.
It was the “It’s Okay to Violate Territorial Borders, Because We're Pirates” Operation.
It’s not a crime if you don’t get caught!
As long as we didn’t get caught, it was fine!
The plan was to take a quick peek, and if there were survivors, secure a promise for rescue and head home.
Look, an acquaintance asked me for help.
I’m the type of guy who fulfills his obligations.
If the state says I can't go, then I’ll just use my private funds to board a pirate ship and do it anyway.
That was the logic.
Today, I wasn't the Archduke of Chronos.
I was Pirate Leo.
Seriously, just getting the preparations ready was a nightmare!
Let's get moving!
According to my calculations, their food supplies shouldn't have run out yet.
“Alright, time to start the farce! Ready?”
“You bet,” Isono said, giving me a thumbs up.
I sent the signal to start the operation to the Latarnia ships positioned behind us.
“Wait, Kawagon!”
A warning hailed from the Latarnia ship.
“Catch ya later, Latarnian Pops!”
Shouting our lines, we illegally crossed into Magellan’s territory.
“Mumu! I cannot abide evil pirates! It may be slightly illegal, but... halt, Kawagon!”
The Latarnians had actually gotten quite good at acting; they followed us right across the border.
The Latarnian people, who value promises and treaties above all else, had initially been opposed to this.
But they’d agreed to the Farce Operation once I pointed out, “Well, we haven’t actually signed a treaty with them in the first place.”
I get the feeling they’re slowly being corrupted by our influence.
While maintaining the charade of being chased by the Latarnia ships, I launched drones toward the nearest inhabited planet.
“Camera recording started.”
Just as I thought—it was crawling with Locusts.
Yeah... figures.
“Alright, fire the standard Barrier Cannons!”
From here on, it was a “Responsible Person Gacha.”
If we could rescue someone at the level of a mayor or a governor, the Chronos fleet could immediately rush in.
It would be a legitimate rescue mission.
If not, we’d have to find survivors who had relatives on a nearby planet.
It was the “I’m a Pirate so I Can Do Anything” Operation.
It was absurdly inefficient, but this was the only optimal solution we had.
No one would ever suspect the ruler of a nation would do something this idiotic.
“Barrier Cannons, fire!”
The barrier devices were launched into the planet.
“Oryaaaaahhhhh!”
Tatiana’s battle cry signaled the remote activation of the barriers.
Perfect.
“Latarnia ships, please proceed with the rescue!”
“You got it, Kawagon!”
...Hey, you guys are really leaning into that “Inspector Pops” bit, aren't you?