The device pulsed with light.
With a low rumble, the door slid open.
Beyond it lay... well, it wasn't another galaxy. Instead, I found a room cluttered with rows of ancient storage media and devices that looked like archaic computer terminals.
I decided to have Fairy-san strip the data.
"Fairy-san."
"Heeere! It's your favorite Fairy-san! Please connect the terminal."
"Coming right up."
I found a connector that looked like it would do the job, so I whipped up a custom cable and hooked it into Fairy-san's mobile terminal.
"So it was true that Your Majesty is a combat engineer..." the Head of the Chronos Religion murmured, sounding genuinely impressed.
"I’m a pilot by trade, you see. In the Galactic Empire, our training curriculum includes combat engineering so we can handle minor repairs if our ships get damaged."
When I thought about it calmly, I only took the pilot course because I wanted a higher hourly wage. That one choice had led me all the way here.
Life really was unpredictable.
Even in a board game, you wouldn't expect to go from a military academy to becoming a foreign king!
"Urgh. This is bad."
Fairy-san, her usual vocabulary failing her, let out a low groan.
Oh no, that sounded ominous!
"Leo-kun, I don’t think you’re going to be eating oyakodon for a while. I’m sending the data over, but be warned: it might just ruin the flavor forever!"
"Stop! That’s terrifying! I don’t want to see!"
Despite my protests, it flashed onto the large screen.
Waaaaah!
Ah... yeah. I was definitely done with oyakodon. Forever.
The human fat... it looked just like the eggs in the bowl...
It was the most exhaustive log yet—a blueprint for a 'Matt,' the Jester’s base form before it reverted to a feral state.
There were even dissection photos!
Make it stop! I felt like I was the one being cut open! Stoooop it!
Listen, if the Empire asked to perform an autopsy after I died, I’d probably say, "Sure, why not? You guys fed me well, so I'll call it even."
But if they said they wanted to dissect me while I was still alive, I’d be like, "Right, that’s it—time to dismantle the Empire!"
I hated this! I really, really hated this!
There was no way any of this was consensual!
That was exactly what turned my stomach!
"It looks like they performed experiments by artificially impregnating Latarnians."
In the past, the Latarnians were treated as slaves.
I suppose they were considered easy to acquire.
I knew that in this galaxy, human rights basically only applied to a nation's own citizens, but still!
They needed to stop! These experiments were pure evil!
Why did I keep stumbling upon stories of such absolute monsters?
"There’s a recipe here... but it’s mostly gibberish to me. It seems to refer to something from an uncontacted civilization."
Administering a special drug to the fetus... no, that wasn't it.
"Is it some kind of organism?"
"It appears so. A virus, perhaps, or a parasite... They would take the base body created through that process and then use it to artificially impregnate another woman for genetic manipulation. Honestly, it’s the work of a devil."
In short, it was beyond me.
It would require actual verification.
"There’s an experimental log here. Oh, it has video attached! As for playback... I’ll fudge a codec... and there we go!"
When the video started, an octopus in a water tank appeared.
It was the same species as To-san from the Pirate Guild.
It looked like a researcher.
Hmm... I figured I might as well ask.
"I see this species in videos all the time, but the actual encounter rate is surprisingly low."
That was true. The only one I knew was To-san.
I contacted the Pirate Guild.
"To-san, it’s Leo."
"Your Majesty. It has been quite some time."
To-san, the female executive of the Pirate Guild, answered the call.
Some of her subordinates had left that life behind to become the Chronos Space Marines.
"I have a bit of a sensitive question..."
"What is it?"
"Could you tell me about your species?"
"We are called Futaposiians. In the Galactic Empire's official language, the name translates roughly to 'Octopus People'. Like the Proone, we are said to be descended from mollusks, but I assure you we are not man-eaters."
"And your home nation?"
"Supposedly, it was once a nation renowned for its scientific prowess... but it seems to have perished a long time ago."
She didn't seem to know much more than that.
I guess that made sense. There was no way she'd know the details of things that happened before she was even born.
"What was your relationship with the Zen God Race?"
"None in particular at present. Though history suggests we were their subordinates before the fall."
Something clicked in my mind.
The Futaposiians were the ones who had created the Matt, the original species of the Jester.
And that had incurred someone's wrath, leading to their total destruction.
If I assumed that sequence of events, everything fit together.
"I understand. I'll get back to you later."
"Your Majesty, would you like to meet our Elder?"
"An Elder?"
"Though we call her an Elder, it’s not as if she personally knew the country before it fell..."
"Please, set it up."
Meeting her was all well and good, but—
I decided I should share the trauma of never being able to eat oyakodon again with everyone else too ♪
"Fairy-san, mass broadcast to everyone."
"Ah, Leo, you bastard... Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Isono: Out.
"Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"
Nakajima: Out.
Eddie just glared at me with a face that said, "I'm going to fucking kill you."
Fuhahahahaha!
Victory was mine!
...Or so I thought, right until Rikochi locked me in an Iron Claw.
"...Leo-kun."
"Ri-Rikochi! Give! I give up! Tap out!"
"Claire-chan?"
"Please, punish him appropriately."
Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
"Melissa-chan?"
"Consider this a grudge for the oyakodon ♪"
Myaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
"Ren-chan?"
"I'm not particularly angry... but I'm afraid I can't help you ♪"
Nyaaaaaaaaaaaan!
"Tatiana-chan?"
"Kill him."
Even Tatiana had abandoned me!
"Alyssa-chan?"
"I lived a hunter's life until the Empire arrived, so I'm not that offended. However, I do believe some educational guidance is in order."
Bigyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
"Suematsu-san... wait, he ran away?!"
Suematsu-san... what a terrifyingly sharp kid!
"What do you say when you're sorry?"
"I'm sowwy—!"
Squish.
And thus, evil was vanquished.
From that day on, Rikochi earned widespread respect as the only 'stopper' capable of restraining me, following in the legendary footsteps of Katori-sensei...
Why?!
I didn't do anything... well, okay, maybe I did.
Furthermore, since I didn't have the guts to send the data to Wifey, our marital relationship remained perfectly intact.
I! Choose! My battles! Carefully!
However, the Kamishiro Clan Conference sentenced me to a week of community service at a childcare facility.
I figured I'd run a stall selling yakisoba and roasted sweet potatoes.
When I mentioned it, the Chronos Parliament chimed in: "Why don't we just make that an official event?"
Oh, okay. The scale suddenly escalated beyond all reason.
In addition to my stalls, there was the baseball exhibition that Isono and the Baseball Club had been coaching all over the place, followed by a soccer club exhibition...
Then there was the Brass Band Club, who were already essentially professionals.
And with all that going on, there was no way Claire's Pro-wrestling Research Club was going to sit on the sidelines...
And so, setting the mystery of the Jesters aside for the time being, the season of the Kamishiro Clan Cultural Festival had arrived.
Even after becoming royalty, we still couldn't shake our student mindsets.
And, at the time, I had completely forgotten about a certain something.
Suematsu-san and Zashiki-warashi-chan.
Apparently, he'd found a mysterious altar underground and decided to place a divided spirit of Zashiki-warashi-chan there.
It didn't make a lick of sense, right?
I mean, it was completely nonsensical, wasn't it?
But then a tree grew.
A giant tree sprouted right out of the ground.
I think it was right around the time the cultural festival plans were being finalized.
The Head of the Religion took one look at it and was practically bedridden, prompting the religious order to call an emergency summit.
The rest of us, starting with Wifey, decided to pretend we hadn't seen a thing.
...As if we were actually going to get away with that. Hahaha...