Well, things had certainly taken a turn for the disastrous.
In the Chronos Nation, everyone from the President on down—basically anyone with emergency command authority—was dead. They’d been targeted first, given no chance to escape.
Talk about a major bug in centralized democracy.
Because it was a country under civilian control, the Colonel didn't even have a rank in the line of succession.
Civilian control is a system that dictates "military personnel shall not participate in politics." The idea is that the military will always try to push its own members into the political sphere to maximize its own interests. It starts with asking for an extra side dish at dinner, and before you know it, every Minister of State is a career soldier. Boom: military dictatorship.
This system was designed to prevent that. (Source: Learning Foreign Constitutions with Fa-Q-san, published by the Galactic Empire.)
Honestly, it wasn't even that bad of an idea. In our case, the lower ranks were conscripts, second sons of farmers, and kids just there for the scholarship money. The upper ranks were the leftovers of the nobility and samurai houses. From top to bottom, the military was a perfect embodiment of the people’s will.
And yet, people still hated them. It was heartbreaking.
There was a loophole—the "I quit the military, so I'm not a soldier anymore!" card. But if the "Once a soldier, always a soldier!" card was played by the courts in collusion with the government, it was game over.
Drop dead! Soldiers are people too, you idiots!
That's exactly why I told them to use our Franchise Nobility System! Give up on centralization! Or do what Latarnia did and keep a King around as a pinch hitter for emergencies!
God, this was so annoying.
Listen, Chronos... you guys were crazy enough to pick a fight with us out of nowhere. Why were your laws the only things that were actually sane?!
As it stood, the Colonel was the highest-ranking officer, but he was forbidden from touching politics. To put him in charge, they’d need a constitutional amendment. To get that, they needed a vote from the legislature. But since they were all dead, they’d need a general election...
In this state?!
How?!
We couldn't even confirm who was still alive!
There was the nuclear option of faking a "civilian revolution" to drum up a new constitution, but that would lead to a century of legal battles, so I kept that sealed. Besides, even as a multinational force, we couldn't just walk in and run their elections. Even if we used that one city councilman as a figurehead... no, impossible. He didn't have the charisma to hold anything together. It would just be a descent into hell later on. Absolutely impossible. Dammit!
I've been rambling, but the point is, I didn't want any part of this.
Ultimately, a high-stakes remote game of "Old Maid" broke out between Latarnia and the Taikyoku Nation. The Galactic Empire and the Ogre God Nation were at the meeting, too, but we were just acting like bystanders. I definitely didn't want this! The ones who would suffer if Chronos didn't stabilize were the Taikyoku Nation and Latarnia!
Plus, there was the near-certainty that even if we cleaned up the mess, we’d be branded as invaders. The Colonel, forced to attend, looked like he wanted to vanish. It was a meeting about his country, but civilian control meant he had no say in anything. Poor guy...
While I was busy being overwhelmed with sympathy for the Colonel, the resident representative dropped a bombshell.
"We believe we should submit to the Galactic Empire."
"No way! There's zero legitimacy, so no!"
I told them I didn't want an enclave! I'll kill you! I glared at him with my best Yankee stare—also known as the Menchi Beam.
"That’s out of the question," I said. "What about the constitutional amendment? The opposition? The legal standing? There are a mountain of problems."
"Regarding that, we found some ancient materials," the representative replied. "The founding myths of our nation. It turns out the First Great King who founded Chronos was of the People of Matto. He was a Jester user, just like His Excellency the Grand Duke."
"And when were these materials discovered?"
"Two days ago."
"You liar!"
He was a liar. The kind who told a lie with such a straight face that he probably convinced himself it was true. What was I even supposed to do with that?
"Our King."
The residents looked at me with reverent eyes. Stop iiiiit!
"I'm being crowned already! Someone! Raven-kun, stop them!"
"M-My Lord... becoming a King... Honestly, I had a feeling this would happen eventually. Yes, my King!"
He was useless! I'd deal with him later!
"W-Wifey! Help me..."
Shiyun cut in via the remote feed.
"If it is the Grand Duchy of Chronos, that would be acceptable. It shall be my Lord Groom’s nation."
"Noooooo!"
My scream echoed through the room.
"It is most certainly not okay! I don't want it!"
"It is only for a limited time," she said. "We will decide by election later. For now, the Lord Groom must lead the rescue operations."
"But why...?"
"Lord Groom, think carefully about why the Zen God Race was so thorough in destroying this country."
"Eh? Wasn't it just to buy time...?"
That’s what Tatiana said! And I didn't want to be involved anyway!
"That was part of it, but they had to destroy it. Even at the cost of their own reputation. It’s the same reason Zork tried to kill the Lord Groom first. There is something hidden in Chronos."
"Wait... you're telling me I have to go look for it?"
"No. Searching can wait. The Zen God Race will likely come to kill you before then. Lord Groom, for now, defend it. Put the laws on the shelf for the time being! Taikyoku, Latarnia, Ogre God Nation—are we in agreement? Chronos! This is a temporary contract! Draft the memorandum!"
My Jester sense was screaming with a bad omen. I hated this!
"Understood," the Chronos citizens said, looking far too pleased.
"Then Latarnia shall continue to assist with the rescue," the King of Latarnia said with a smug, oily grin. He looked incredibly relieved to have passed the loser card to someone else.
"The Taikyoku Nation will continue its support as well," Shiyun added. She looked apologetic, but her older brother was just beaming at me from the background. Dammit!
"Leo-san... good luck!"
Even Saria-kyun? You idiot! I didn't want to be Grand Duke of anything! There was absolutely no benefit to me or the Empire!
Wait... I was the one who made Saria-kyun a Great King, wasn't I? I looked at Saria’s face. He was giving me the most glorious "Pugya!" laugh. I didn't want to be part of some Legend of the Galactic Idiot Lord!
"My respected brother of the soul, Leo-san, please listen—"
"Can I punch you?"
"Just give up."
"Ukiiiiiiii!"
It felt like every prank I’d ever pulled was coming back to haunt me at once. Fine. For now, I was going to build a pathetic little shack. I was going to manipulate public opinion so that nobody would ever think it was the Grand Duke's office. I’d make them regret ever giving me power! Idiots!
Utterly defeated, I went back to my office. Everyone else was busy building their own quarters—the girls' and boys' dorms. They told me I could use the shack. Raven-kun and the Kamishiro Main House Knights were going to be stationed in the annex being added on.
I tidied the desk, vacuumed, and got my sleeping bag ready. I was about to have a sulky nap when I heard a voice outside. It was that bastard Isono.
"Hey, Leo! We’re doing a soup kitchen!"
"Fine, fine."
"Everyone! Come get some food from the Grand Duke’s soup kitchen!"
"I'll kill you!"
And so, I ended up helping the local ladies cook. We made something between a pie and a gyoza—potato gyoza. Seriously, what even is a Grand Duke?