Alright, let’s move on to the aftermath.
On a scientific level, Eddie’s innocence was absolute.
Not a trace of the woman’s DNA was found on the inside of his underwear or his gym clothes. The private shower room turned up nothing either—no fingerprints, no DNA.
I couldn't help but feel for the technician who was hauled out of bed at the crack of dawn to conduct a forensic analysis on some guy’s boxers.
To top it off, they’d sprayed Eddie’s entire body with a special adhesive to lift skin-surface fingerprints. By sacrificing his pubic hair, they successfully proved that no fingerprints were present.
Eddie’s already short hair became even shorter in the process. It wasn't that he’d shaved his head in a fit of remorse; the adhesive had stuck to the ends, leaving him with no choice but to crop it all off.
His groin was now smooth as a baby's. Truly pitiful.
Furthermore, a blood test revealed that Eddie had been drugged with sleeping pills. Because it was a legal, over-the-counter variety taken at night, his military nanomachines hadn't flagged it as a threat. However, the activity was logged in his internal database. Those logs were originally meant for alcohol detection, but they served our purpose.
Of course, we all believed Eddie from the start. But if we hadn't performed an exhaustive investigation, there’s no telling what people would have whispered.
Using this rather pathetic pile of data as evidence, Wifey and I filed a formal joint protest with Latarnia. In response, the General of the Latarnian Army and the Minister of Foreign Affairs offered a profuse, groveling apology. I suspect the sheer volume of the documentation I’d prepared played a part in making any excuses impossible.
“No... well, you see. It was a reckless overreach by the military and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs... Since Zork has One-oh-one, the Ogre God Nation has Shar, and the Taikyoku Nation has Shiyun, all sharing a 【Strong Connection】 with your side, they were desperate to establish a 【Strong Connection】 of their own...”
“For the record, they aren't all ‘my women,’” I countered.
“Oh, come now~. It is practically common knowledge that Lord Leo Kamishiro is a hero and a legendary lover of women.”
Me? Was I the problem here?
“Furthermore, based on our... data regarding the use of nighttime establishments, we concluded that the men of the Galactic Empire were particularly fond of such pastimes...”
They were tracking that data?! Those absolute idiots!!!
“We are incredibly sorry for the lapse...”
“No, no, we’ve heard the men pay in cash and have excellent manners. Their reputation is actually quite sterling.”
After that thorough humiliation, it was decided that the women would be sent back. Their replacements were young men.
Having dealt with that ridiculous mess, I was currently slumped over a table in the dining hall, completely spent. Wifey looked just as exhausted too. I’d considered banning visits to the nighttime establishments entirely, but that would only lead to a buildup of frustration. Even some of the female crew members had their favorite shops.
Thankfully, marriage fraud and predatory “honey trap” tactics were illegal even in Latarnia, which helped our case.
Even so, the damage was done—agents had already infiltrated. As far as we knew, over a dozen of our personnel were currently dating Latarnian operatives. If we counted relationships with ordinary Latarnian civilians, the number climbed to nearly a hundred. There was no stopping it.
For now, we were calling them in one by one for “cultural seminars” on Latarnian society. Basically, we told them that if they tried to dump a Latarnian, their partner would hunt them to the edge of the galaxy—or even out into deep space. That applied to both the men and the women. Those dating known agents were placed under constant surveillance.
The person leading the surveillance team was Major Riko Sakagaki, better known as Mobuko-san. She’d also been instrumental in proving Eddie’s innocence during the recent fiasco.
Major Sakagaki had originally served as Kevin’s executive officer, but her freakishly high communication and information-gathering skills led to her being drafted as the commander of the military police. She’d tried to refuse, shouting, “I just want to set Leo-kun and Kevin-chan up, so please spare me the promotion!!!” but her plea was denied. She was officially appointed General Commander of Military Police for Veronica’s fleet.
Most of her time was spent dealing with people sneaking booze or snacks from the warehouse, getting into drunken brawls, or stripping naked because of stress. And now, the massive headache of Latarnian relationships had landed on her desk.
Riko trudged into the dining hall.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! Brigadier General, please save meeeeeeeeeeee!!!”
The fact that she addressed me as 【Brigadier General】 instead of 【Leo-kun】 was a clear sign she’d hit her limit.
“What’s wrong now?”
“Five people have already submitted applications to resign so they can get married!”
Marrying a local and putting down roots in the host country—it was a common story for overseas personnel, military or otherwise.
“If they don't have family back home, I don't see the issue,” I said. It was a matter of personal freedom. We couldn't exactly forbid it.
“But one of the applicants is a Scion of a Count House! A hardcore member of the Pro-Emperor Faction!”
That was Wifey’s own faction.
“Well, that just became a massive pain in the ass!!! What do his parents have to say?”
“They want him to return and inherit the head of the house.”
If we handled this wrong, we’d be making enemies of the nobility.
“And what about the bride?”
“Apparently, she’s a young lady from a prestigious Latarnian family!”
“Right. Can someone give me permission to punch this guy? He just tripled my workload!!!”
Wifey was gritting her teeth right next to me, visibly seething. “Why must they cause one problem after another?! Those absolute morons!!!”
This was going to create a mess of succession rights and political favors. Since he was from Wifey’s faction, it was a sensitive issue. It was technically a violation of orders, but since it was a civil matter, any harsh military punishment would cause the higher-ups—who knew nothing of the situation on the ground—to kick up a fuss.
Hmm... was there a way out of this?
Wait, I remembered something. I rummaged through a stack of petitions. There it was! A request from the Ogre God Nation!
“Wifey, remember that unmanaged planet near Proone? The one with the decent environment that was left alone because it was too close to Proone’s territory?”
“I remember it~.”
It was the one we’d been told to either claim or destroy. We hadn't decided what to do with it yet.
“What if we buy that planet from Proone or lease it long-term to set up an Imperial Branch Office?”
A diplomatic mission, an outpost, whatever we wanted to call it. We could just shove the guy into a post there—he wouldn't even have to be the one in charge. It could serve as a joint diplomatic facility for Proone, Latarnia, and the Ogre God Nation. We already had an embassy in Latarnia, but we’d been receiving requests for a more substantial facility, including a trading company branch and warehouse space.
“That’s the one!” Wifey shouted.
“He resigns from the military. Do we make it a Dishonorable Discharge?”
I looked at the legal precedents. Technically, we could, citing a violation of military discipline. But it felt a bit excessive.
“How about a six-month pay cut?” Wifey suggested.
“Fine. We’ll have him submit his resignation under those terms. Then, on the same day, he’ll be inducted into the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. No right of refusal.”
“I am literally watching someone’s life being toyed with right now...” Mobuko-san looked a little disturbed. But hey, what choice did we have?
“How will we explain this to the Count House?”
“I shall tell them the truth and have it settled. I shall force the Count House to make a decision of their own,” Wifey declared. Since it was her solution, they’d just have to deal with it.
“And what should I tell the general soldiers? A ban on romance? That’s impossible!”
“I know, I know!!! Just put out a notice saying that if they lay a hand on someone, marriage is the only option. Please!”
“Waaaaah!!!”
“Cheer up, Riko. Your quick work on the Eddie investigation has been recognized. Your promotion to Lieutenant Colonel is official.”
“Stoooooop iiiiiiiit!!!”
The trials and tribulations of Riko Sakazaki, also known as Mobuko-san, showed no signs of ending. I wasn't the bad guy this time.
Still, I had to wonder... why did it feel like we were constantly on the brink of disaster, even when we weren't in the middle of a battle?