Yeah, yeah, it’s me—Tatiana, the Witch of Ten Thousand Demons.
I’d traveled a long, long way with Big Brother Leo to reach the Taikyoku Nation. We were currently in the middle of descending to the planet where the Saint’s ruins were located.
Technically, we were trespassing. Shiyun had given us her permission, but from the Empire’s perspective, our presence was framed as a disaster relief mission. Since the Empire and the Taikyoku Nation didn’t have an official treaty, the people here were legally categorized as natives of an abandoned, primitive planet. That meant we were operating according to the Manual for Dealing with Primitive Indigenous People.
None of it made a lick of sense to me. Not one bit. I swear, the people who write laws are so smart that they loop all the way back around to being idiots.
We touched down in a transport ship. I knew how to pilot a Humanoid Fighter, but I hadn’t been issued a license yet.
As we landed, there was no sign of the Taikyoku military. The area was eerily silent.
Big Brother Leo, looking like he thought it was the most natural thing in the world, tried to hop into the driver’s seat of a Trailer, only for Raven-san to stop him.
“My Lord, we shall handle the driving.”
“Ehh... really?”
Big Brother Leo was weird in so many ways. He still acted like he was a low-ranking grunt, even though he was a literal Brigadier General.
The usual crowd was there. Big Brother Eddie, Isono-kun, and Nakajima-kun cornered Big Brother Leo and ushered him onto the bus. This time, One-oh-one stayed behind on the ship to serve as Shiyun’s guard. Edge-kun, Alyssa-chan, and their team were busy with the unloading work.
I caught Big Brother Leo’s eye as he was being hauled away like a prisoner. He suddenly broke into a wide grin.
“What’s that look for?” I asked.
“Tatiana, you’re going to practice riding your bike from here to the nearby village!”
Wh-What?! I totally thought I’d be getting a ride!
I pulled a bike engraved with [Imperial Officer Academy Junior Division] out of the Trailer. I was short, so this was the only size that worked for me. It was a rugged Off-road Bike. Apparently, I wouldn’t get my proficiency badge unless I logged a certain number of miles. I’d been exempted from the atmospheric entry portion, though... on account of being short.
“Okay, let’s do this...”
I activated my Personal Shield. I was already wearing my Combat Suit, which had its own shield, so even if I wiped out, I wouldn't get a scratch. I figured the bike’s shield could probably tank a few bullets, too.
After turning on the systems, I hopped on. I went through the authentication process, disengaged the safeties, and started the engine.
Truth be told, I couldn't even ride a bicycle until recently. In the colony where I grew up, a bike would be stolen the second you looked away, so I never had the chance to learn. When I told Big Brother Leo that, he made me practice at a shrine along with One-oh-one and Zashiki-warashi-chan. He told me it’d be a disaster if I couldn't ride a motor vehicle.
Come to think of it, Edge-kun and his team were doing ship-handling practicals for the warships, too... I’d been studying the theory, but it was so complicated that nothing stayed in my head. Could I really handle a ship? I was already getting anxious.
“Alright, Tatiana-chan. Pick up the pace.”
Big Sister Claire’s voice came over the comms. You’ve got to be kidding me! She wanted me to go faster?!
I pushed the throttle as instructed. Clouds of dust kicked up behind me as I tore across the barren wasteland. Soil particles that managed to bypass the Personal Shield coated my helmet.
“Helmet Cleaning Mode: On,” I commanded.
The visor was instantly scrubbed clean, restoring my vision. Man, this stuff was convenient. Back home, even the cars didn’t have features like this.
Still, I was glad Big Brother Leo wasn't watching me right now. If he were, he’d probably start a lecture like, “Listen, Tatiana, soil is actually a mixture of sand and minerals enriched by biological remains...”
Right on cue, a transmission from Big Sister Claire chimed in.
“The ground here seems to be red clay. The color comes from a high iron content...”
Honestly, those two were a perfect match. Big Sister Veronica had officially recognized her, but apparently, they used to be rivals. Well, I was also scheduled to marry Big Brother Leo eventually. So far, I didn’t have any complaints about that.
“We’re approaching the ruins,” Claire continued. “Eddie’s squad will handle medical relief in the village. Kevin, are you ready?”
“All set!”
Sister Kevin was... well, she was all bust. Even under her Combat Suit, they were swaying. Between her and Wan, I wondered what they ate to get that developed. Are Zork girls just built different? Then again, we were all eating the same food now.
As far as I knew, there were no plans for Sister Kevin to become one of Big Brother Leo’s wives yet. Everyone around them seemed to think it was inevitable, though. Both of them seemed to be struggling with it. I mean, she was practically radiating “I love him” vibes! Who cares if she used to be Zork or even a guy? Every girl here was already intimidated by her overwhelming feminine power.
We reached the village near the ruins shortly after. The Saint’s ruins were apparently the local tourist attraction. A rusty, dilapidated sign stood at the edge of the desolate village.
[Welcome to the Land of the Saint Legend!]
It must have seen visitors once, but the small inns were all boarded up now. The village was practically a ghost town. I parked my bike at the entrance, since there didn't seem to be an actual parking lot. The storefronts were gutted and empty; it looked like everyone had packed up and left years ago.
“It’s so bleak. It looks just like my old home before the war...” I muttered as I hopped off.
Big Brother Leo stepped out of the bus. “Looking at this, I guess our colony was actually a metropolis.”
Big Sister Melissa followed him out. “That’s the fate of tourist traps that fail. It’s a cautionary tale for us, too.”
“Tatiana,” Leo said, “allow me to introduce the master of tourist attractions: Lady Melissa.”
“Sup,” she replied with a dry wave.
These two were a match in a completely different way. Their vibes were identical. They were both the type of high-energy people who kept a monstrously gloomy introvert locked deep inside their hearts.
“If you don't maintain or reinvest in tourist resources, they end up like this,” Melissa explained. “Even just keeping the scenery presentable takes constant work, or it goes to seed in a few years. Hot springs require endless maintenance. That’s why we started an agent company to co-produce period dramas with national broadcasters and the internet. If a genre isn’t on screen for ten years, people forget it even exists. After all that effort, the final profit is usually just a pittance...”
“The reality of the wealthy is surprisingly tragic!” I cried.
“Tatiana... don’t worry,” Melissa said, looking distant. “Even if you do something embarrassing, people will forget it in a few years...”
Big Sister Melissa? What happened in your past? Her profile was shrouded in pure darkness. Big Sister?!
As I started to panic, Big Brother Leo took Big Sister Melissa’s hand. “It’s not an embarrassing past. Everything you do is cute, Melissa.”
There it was! The Harem King strikes again!
I looked over and saw Isono-kun and Nakajima-kun literally grinding their teeth in frustration.
“Don't you two have fiancées?” I asked.
“Boys want to be doted on by all kinds of girls!” Isono shouted.
“Yeah! What he said!” Nakajima added.
Wow, these guys were hopeless. I could only stare at them in exasperation.
At the time, I still had no idea. I didn't know what was waiting for us inside those ruins.