A mountain of a man with a bushy beard stomped into the arena.
He had a thick chain draped around his neck. His gut was prominent, but it was backed by solid slabs of muscle—the kind of man who looked more like a bear than a human.
‘‘You! I’m gonna kill you!!’’
The Bear Man wound the chain tightly around his fist. He clearly had no intention of following the rules from the start.
The referee moved to intervene, preparing to declare a foul loss, but Isono waved him off with a casual flick of his hand.
And that was when I saw it. I caught the look on Isono’s face—a grin so wicked it was practically ghoulish.
Isono beckoned his opponent forward, taunting him to come closer.
‘‘Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!!’’
The Yankees in the crowd reached a fever pitch, hurling a barrage of insults. Despite the chaos, Isono remained perfectly composed behind his mask.
As the Bear Man tried to climb into the ring, Isono struck.
‘‘Gyahaha!!’’
Isono unleashed a merciless Stomping. Typical Isono! He was absolute trash!
Then, he grabbed the ropes and vaulted into the air—!
He went for a Diving Headbutt! He actually did it!
What an idiot! We had a total idiot on our hands! The opponent didn’t know the first thing about the grammar of pro-wrestling, yet Isono slammed a Diving Headbutt right into the man’s face.
‘‘Y-Yooooou baaaaaastaaaaard!!’’
The Bear Man wasn’t the type to be knocked out by a single blow. The fight spilled outside the ring into a brawl. The Bear Man rained down punches with his chain-wrapped fist.
Ah... Isono... he was making it look like he was taking a beating, but he was blocking every strike. Actually, he was intentionally taking hits with his bones on the parts of the fist not covered by the chain to damage his opponent’s hands instead. Truly, that was the Isono way!
‘‘Diiiiiie!!’’
Finally snapping, the Bear Man wound up and threw a massive hook. No, wait. That bastard Isono... he purposely stepped into the path of the fist to make it look like he’d been leveled by a Lariat. He didn’t resist the momentum at all, selling the impact as he took the fall.
Isono went flying straight toward the long commentary table and the chairs set up behind it. Ah... he definitely aimed for that spot on purpose. He quickly snatched up a chair.
‘‘Wait, you—!!’’
He began thumping the Bear Man with the chair.
‘‘Gyahahahahaha!’’
These weren’t the kind of staged strikes used in pro-wrestling to dissipate impact; these were genuine, damage-dealing blows. As the chair buckled and bent, Isono reached into his trunks.
At that moment, I felt a wave of intense regret. I should never have let Isono run wild. In his hand, he now gripped a silver, shimmering fork.
‘‘Guhyahahahaha!!’’
The bastard actually did it! He stabbed him with the fork! Then he started twisting it!
Hang in there, Bear Man! Kill Isono already!
‘‘Wooooooooh!!’’
The Bear Man hoisted Isono up and delivered a thunderous Body Slam onto the floor!
Wait, what? Hold on... does the Bear Man actually know pro-wrestling?
The crowd’s excitement spiked instantly.
‘‘Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!!’’
The Bear Man tossed Isono back into the ring. Isono tumbled across the canvas and lay there spread-eagled.
‘‘Here I go!!’’
The Bear Man climbed the Corner Post.
Hmmmmmmmm? Okay, yeah, this guy definitely knows pro-wrestling!!
The Bear Man leapt toward Isono! With a colossal boom, the ring buckled. A second later, the entire structure began to groan and collapse into a heap of wreckage.
No, no, no! That’s not how physics works!
The referee had somehow escaped to the outside just before the ring disintegrated. Wait a minute. That movement was way too smooth—he knew it was going to break!
Despite the absurdity, the venue reached a fever pitch of pure hype.
‘‘Woooooooooh!!’’
Isono sluggishly dragged himself to his feet and threw an elbow at the Bear Man. But there was no power behind his hips anymore. The Bear Man raised both hands to the sky... Mongolian Chop!
Isono dropped to one knee. The Bear Man hauled him back up and delivered a Horizontal Chop before hoisting him into the air. He held the position, perfectly frozen in a Brainbuster stance. Isono even kept his legs extended.
Wait! This was entirely a choreographed match between two people who were in on the gag! You guys!!
‘‘Wooooooooh!!’’
He executed the Brainbuster right on top of the ruined ring. God dammit... even though I knew it was staged, I was still getting thrilled by it...
He went straight into a hold for the Three-count. Isono lost.
The crowd was on the verge of a riot from pure adrenaline. It wasn’t because it was a Salt Match; it was because they’d had a blast, regardless of whether it was a ‘real’ fight. For some reason, the two fighters were showered with cheers and praise.
I received a message from Wifey.
‘‘Lord Groom. Take Isono in for questioning.’’
‘‘Roger that.’’
I summoned Isono. And the bearded guy too.
‘‘He’s a disciple of Master Saurus and Master Tank. It was fun, wasn’t it?’’
‘‘Why didn’t you consult me first?!’’
‘‘Well, see, I was gonna beat the Pirates to a pulp at first. But then I figured, maybe it’s not great to corner them too much, you know? So I called him in on short notice.’’
‘‘You idiot! Why did you have to use illegal weapons?!’’
‘‘Huh? Oh, well, I’ve got low blood pressure. Even if I get cut, I don’t really bleed much. That’s why I asked a Master of Bloodletting for help.’’
‘‘Isono-san, how was my bloodletting technique?’’
‘‘The best!’’
The two of them shared a high-five. They were best buddies.
I was completely speechless. When I told Claire about it later, she just clutched her head in her hands. To her, this was an act of insubordination bordering on a disaster. It would likely only result in a pay cut, but it was still the kind of violation that stays on one’s record forever.
And yet... who could have predicted that this would turn out to be a massive home run? The sheer correctness of Isono’s ‘it’s not good to corner them too much’ logic was about to be proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Yes, the rest of us had let the blood rush to our heads; our judgment had been completely glitched. But there was no way for us to know that yet. That revelation would come a few days later.
Putting that aside, it was finally Edie’s turn. Edie was armed with a Blunted Sword—essentially an Imitation Sword with no edge. In contrast, his opponent carried a massive, menacing blade.
‘‘I-It’s Manslayer Sunny!’’
‘‘Hey! Who the hell invited him?!’’
The stands grew restless. Apparently, he was a black sheep even among his own kind. The slender man known as Sunny leveled his greatsword.
Edie remained as calm as ever.
‘‘It seems you have applied yourself seriously to the sword.’’
Edie took a perfectly ordinary stance. His greatest strength was his ability to execute textbook techniques at an incredibly high level—the type of fighter who beat you with the sheer power of fundamentals. If Edie was praising him, his opponent had to be a genuine monster.
‘‘I can tell just by looking at your stance,’’ Edie added.
Hearing those words, Sunny gave a thin smirk.
‘‘You’re pretty capable yourself.’’
What was I going to do? Thanks to Isono, my brain was stuck in comedy mode. Leo can’t survive in a Serious Space-time!