The Proone first declared war on the Ogre God Nation.
They sent over a massive, formal declaration. Despite being nothing more than man-eating monsters, they were apparently bound by protocol, likely because they were a religious state.
At almost the exact same time, a declaration of war was sent to the Empire via the Battle Dome. First came a letter of excommunication from the Proone Faith. I didn't even remember joining in the first place. Were they idiots?
Then came a document detailing exactly how we had violated the faith's teachings. Apparently, being born and living was a sin in itself. Yeah, yeah, I’d seen this kind of rhetoric before. Original sin is forgiven only by being eaten by a Proone, or so it said. I picked my nose. Right, sure.
Because we had neglected our duty to atone for our original sin, we were excommunicated. Clan extermination was the only answer. They even claimed they wouldn't stoop to eating our meat.
"Are they idiots?" Wifey looked troubled.
"They're even harder to reason with than Zork," I replied.
"Indeed. I'm thinking of releasing a translated version of this to the public. What do you think?"
"Genius!"
And so, we hung them out to dry. It was done purely out of spite, but what of it? The Battle Dome staff thought it was hilarious and joined in on the exposure. Viewership numbers for the Battle Dome’s web broadcasts skyrocketed to unprecedented heights.
Furthermore, we produced a program that nitpicked every fine detail of their logic. We put into words the simple sentiment: "Aren't these guys just evil?"
Perhaps because of that, a succession of inquiries about forming alliances with the Galactic Empire flooded in. Today, I was once again interviewing an ambassador from a low-ranking nation.
As for the diplomacy itself, civil officials summoned from the Empire handled the core work. At the same time, members selected from the athletic clubs—Baseball, Soccer, Karate, Judo, and so on—were being deployed as diplomats. The Pro-wrestling Research Club was there too!
Diplomacy through sports was a thing, of course, but that wasn't the only reason. It was because they were monsters of physical endurance. I needed them to overcome their lack of expertise with sheer stamina and spirit.
And for some reason, the person in overall charge of all this was me. Even though I wasn't the actual Minister of Foreign Affairs, I was the one handling Minister of Foreign Affairs-level talks. Why? Because I was "besties" with Great King Saria? Fine.
Today, I held talks with the minister from the Wolf Beastman Nation at the Battle Dome. They were a top-tier country among the low-ranks, having once been a mid-tier power. Unfortunately, they were considered "tasty," and the Proone invasion had devastated them. Their hatred for the Proone ran deep.
The Foreign Minister of the Wolf Beastman Nation looked somewhat like a samurai, though his features were more beastly than human.
"His Excellency the Grand Duke..."
I wondered why he was gazing at me with such a passionate look, like a fan meeting an idol.
"I saw Your Excellency's battle. I was... truly moved!"
"O-Oh, I see."
"Making the Proone's letter of excommunication public... you are a master tactician!"
He was heaping on the praise. I wondered if he was trying to win favorable terms.
"My country also harbors a deep... deep grudge against those slugs. They ate my daughter... When the war starts, please, do not hesitate to call on us!"
His eyes were wild—crazed with the need for revenge. Honestly, it made my stomach lurch. Just how much were those slugs hated?
"I appreciate it," I said, shaking his hand.
I'd always had this image that diplomacy was supposed to be difficult. But because the Proone were so universally loathed, it was currently set to "Easy Mode." There didn't seem to be any risk of these people being Proone spies, either.
I signed the treaties the foreign affairs bureaucrats had negotiated in advance, took commemorative photos, and had the results of the meeting reported on the Battle Dome. Next, I held a meeting with the Turtle People.
They had evolved from reptiles. Apparently, they were also delicious and had been driven to the brink of extinction by the Proone. These guys were also incredibly determined. Once again, my stomach lurched. It seemed they simply hadn't had the strength to fight back until now.
Before Saria took office, the Ogre God Nation had been cold to the weak, so they hadn't coordinated with anyone. However, as a result of us brainwashing the public with detective dramas, period dramas, tokusatsu, and anime, the atmosphere had shifted to: "We can't let those evil oppressors who crush the weak live!"
The Empire finally realized the terrifying nature of the cultural content it possessed. Since it was officially sanctioned by Saria, there were no complaints. Past kings had wanted to crush the Proone but couldn't move because they couldn't unify domestic public opinion. The Trade Federation, known as the Battle Dome, had supposedly been created as a compromise.
I signed a treaty with the Turtle People and took a photo. I met with other races one after another, and every single one was furious with the Proone. Well, if your family gets eaten, you spend your whole life seeking revenge. With the appearance of the Empire, that dream was no longer out of reach.
In the end, nations that get too arrogant always decline. Thus, a Proone Encirclement was formed. Historically, it feels like the side forming the encirclement net usually loses, but that's just survivor bias! The side that can form the net is inherently stronger! Nobunaga was just too much of a monster...
By the way, why was I doing diplomacy? My main job is supposed to be a pilot. When I asked Wifey about it later, she just smiled.
"Because, Lord Groom, you become friends with anyone."
"I personally thought of myself as a gloomy introvert, though?"
"I think you're an upbeat, inhuman-level people-charmer."
Is that so? Is it? Hmm... I couldn't tell.
"Besides, you're a Grand Duke and effectively the Empire's Number Two, so there's no problem."
I think the fact that the Grand Duke is a student is the problem. But I knew there was no point in saying it. The Zork War had wiped out too many bureaucrats; we had to use students. Graduate students were already being treated as veterans and given management roles in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs.
Concentrating power in the Kamishiro faction isn't ideal, but sadly, we're the only ones with the manpower. I just have to resolve myself. Even if I'm clumsy, I'm doing better than the Proone or Zork. With Saria's help, I'll hold my ground.
Alright! Bring on the ministers! Anyone who wants to slaughter the Proone, step right up!
Meanwhile, the Proone were also proceeding with their war preparations. Teaming up with Ghouls and pirates, they were researching the best ways to cook humans. They were simply too arrogant.