Well, that was one faction officially checked off as “impossible to reason with.”
Sure, the Empire had religions that claimed God created livestock specifically for humans to eat, but even they were vaguely disliked for that kind of attitude. I didn't get the feeling we’d be playing nice with the “You Are Meat” crowd.
I looked at Saria; he had a gruesome, twisted smile on his face. I kind of wanted to punch him.
“Well, you see, the Battle Dome itself is an alliance created specifically for low-tier nations to oppose entities like that,” he explained.
“I see. And the Ogre God Nation?”
“They’re a customer. We have no reason to be hostile.”
“What do you really think of that muscle-brained country?” I asked.
Saria was the Great King’s son. It was entirely possible he was a spy for their side.
“It’s a moronic nation that defines its social hierarchy by brute force. Why do you ask?”
Yeah, he didn't seem like a spy. A spy wouldn't have cut them down that bluntly.
To be fair, social hierarchies in the Empire were determined by things like intelligence or status. If you thought of it as simply being replaced by raw power... was it any more or less fair? I couldn't wrap my head around it. Best to stop thinking.
“Tell me more about the Proone.”
“Cannibalistic trash,” he said. He summed them up in a single sentence.
“Anything else?”
“They’re a mid-tier power in this galaxy. Just so you know, surrender is meaningless. They claim to manage their populations, but plenty of species have gone extinct because low-level officials couldn’t stop ‘snacking’ on them.”
They were even more of a dumpster fire than I’d imagined.
“Were they hostile toward Zork?”
“Initially. They lost interest once Zork’s meat became poisonous, though.”
“Who are their enemies?”
“Pretty much everyone.”
Of course they are!
“Why haven't the top-tier groups crushed them yet?”
“Because they have just enough intelligence not to pick fights with the big players.”
So they were bullies who carefully chose their victims. The fact that they possessed a modicum of intelligence made them even more detestable.
“I think I get the gist. Let’s head to your old man’s place.”
“Eww...”
Saria looked like he’d rather die, but he came along to see the Great King anyway.
When we arrived, the old man... was drinking with Katori-sensei.
“Yo! What’s up, brats?” the Great King shouted, raising a hand.
The two of them were knocking back beers from a major manufacturer. Their snacks consisted of frozen yakitori. One was a Sword Saint and the other was a Great King, yet they were surprisingly low-maintenance.
“Why are you two getting along so well?!”
“Because we’re both strong men!” the King declared flatly.
“Now, now, Great King.”
“Katori-dono, have another!”
Saria sighed at the sight of the muscle-brains bonding. I followed suit.
Then, in high spirits, the Great King dropped a total bombshell.
“Oh, by the way, Saria. You’re the next Great King.”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! What are you talking about, you stupid old man?!”
“Nah, listen. The ones who teamed up with the Proone were Saria's Older Brothers, right? They knew they couldn't beat me, and they didn’t have the confidence to win the Battle Royale either, so they made a moronic choice.”
“No, no, no, no! There’s no way I can win a Battle Royale either!”
Suddenly, Katori-sensei’s face twisted into something truly sinister.
“I was just about to have a Butt Drumming Lesson with Wifey...”
I tried to make a break for it, but I was caught.
“Well, you see, Leo. Martial artists are all masochists to some degree.”
“Sensei! I’m a soldier—”
“Therefore, I’m giving you a major mission!”
Listen to me, old man! I’m a soldier, not a martial artist!
“You’re going to be Saria’s helper. Apparently, you can have up to five.”
“Who are the five supposed to be?!”
“Leo, Eddie, Melissa, Isono, and Nakajima.”
Well, that list was certainly straightforward.
“Why isn’t Edge on the list?!”
If you factored in ESP, Edge was definitely stronger.
“Age restriction.”
Goddammit! That was a perfectly valid reason!
“Now then, I shall officially declare the start of the Next Generation Battle Royale! Worry not—we are a race that never forgets a debt. We shall promise you eternal friendship and cooperation!” the Great King roared with a boisterous laugh.
“Is it really okay for you to step down, Great King?” I asked.
“Hell yeah! Any idiot who lets his country get stolen is retiring! Gahahaha! My own brats really got one over on me this time! Katori-dono! A toast to the new King!”
“Cheers!”
There were nothing but idiots here. I felt like my brain was starting to melt. Saria and I clutched our heads and fled to Wifey’s side.
“Wifey~! Katori-sensei is saying crazy things again!”
“Umu. Lord Groom, Saria-dono. Go forth and fight!”
She’d already given her permission... Seriously?
“What are we supposed to do about the slugs?!” I cried.
“First, we deal with the Ogre God Nation.”
“Noooo! I came to the Battle Dome because I hated the barbarism!” Saria wailed.
He was resisting with every fiber of his being. I felt for him. I really did. Barbarism is the worst.
Wifey’s expression softened into one of deep compassion. “Give up. I, too, could not escape the destiny of my blood.”
“Of course! That’s exactly what you’d say, Wifey!”
“Lord Groom, let the name of the Strongest of the Empire echo throughout the stars! Saria! You shall broadcast the Battle Royale! We will stage the birth of the strongest Great King, supported by the strongest of helpers!”
“Waaaah!”
Saria and I both started crying. I didn't even feel like we were strangers anymore. He was my brother.
“Saria... if you run... everyone dies. I only spoke with them for a few minutes, but the Proone are not to be underestimated. We could escape, yes... but what would become of the citizens of the Ogre God Nation? What happens to the powerless? Is it not the duty of the truly strong to protect the weak?”
Ah, Wifey. You were acting like you were talking to Saria, but you were looking right at me, weren’t you?
If I ran away, this was going straight into a "bad end" scenario.
Hey, Jester, can you handle that? I asked myself.
Are you really going to let some slug say, “Hey there, Boyfriend-kun. I’m going to swallow your girlfriend whole now~♪”?
That was the subtext.
“Understood, Wifey. I’ll fight! Fine!”
“Umu! That is my husband! Truly the Strongest of the Empire!”
Gugh!
Oh, for crying out loud! I’m going to slaughter every last one of those Proone! How dare they mess with my life like this! It was all their fault!
“Justice isn't really my style, but... Saria, let’s do this!”
“Ugh... ugh... fine! Waaaaah! I get it! If I don’t do it, everyone dies! There’s no way those shitty slugs would be merciful! Fine! I’ll do it!”
He’d reached the point of desperate abandon. We had both made up our minds.
...Or so we thought.
“Good. It seems the matter is settled. Time for training!”
“Huh?”
Katori-sensei and the Great King were standing there.
“Saria, I’m so happy! You always had incredible talent, but you hated practicing... but don’t you worry. Katori and I are going to forge you into a real man!”
“F-f-fueeeeeee!”
“Leo, you too. We’re going to plant the seed of fear into those Proone!”
“Eeeeeeeeeeeek!”
We were promptly dragged off to the dojo.
“Saria... if I die, tell Wifey I love her.”
“Why are you setting a death flag?! Tell her yourself!”
And so, the first step on the path of conquest for the Empire and the Ogre God Nation—a path that suddenly appeared in the Outer Space Warring States Period—had begun.
Is it too late to sign up for some life insurance?