I changed into a new pair of underwear and was issued a full set of fresh military gear.
There was no Officer Academy Designated Potato Tracksuit to be found.
Well, I had a spare back on the ship anyway.
The Major's Rank Insignia was already firmly attached to the uniform.
At least I didn't have to buy it with my own money, so I called that a win.
The socks were the thick, heavy-duty kind.
My old ones were on the verge of developing holes, so I was actually quite pleased with this change.
Even the boots were brand-new.
But before I could get dressed, my entire body had to be "processed."
They scoured me from head to toe with beams to kill off any lingering nanomachines.
Apparently, this was the standard procedure for dealing with biological matter that wouldn't wash off with soap and water!
My hair and eyebrows were safe, but they said every last bit of peach fuzz would be seared away.
It was basically like getting a full-body face shave at a barber.
Being a Jester, I mentally prepared myself for a malfunction that would leave me with only one eyebrow.
Finally, they fumigated me with smoke.
The tingling, fizzy sensation in my crotch made me doubt the smoke's safety.
Plus, my butt was freezing.
While I was being sanitized, the entire facility underwent a simultaneous deep-clean.
Drones scrubbed every single corner.
Every scrap of trash and every possible sample was immediately whisked away to a nearby research institute.
They were terrified of the thing being the type that could multiply from even a microscopic amount of tissue.
Once I was finally dressed and thinking about getting back to work, I was intercepted by soldiers in protective suits.
They threw me into isolation in a separate room—actually, it was more like a glass container they’d thrown together on short notice.
And there I stayed, with no explanation, for half a day.
I was just starting to feel like a prisoner when Wifey arrived.
She’d apparently rushed down from orbit to see me.
"Yo! You feeling okay?"
"Uwaaaaaaaaaah! It hurts! There’s something beastly rampaging inside me! If you don't kiss me right now, a monster’s gonna burst out of meeeeeeee!"
"You certainly seem energetic enough."
She brushed me off without a second thought.
It was probably for the best that I hadn't gone for the naked performance routine. If I had, they'd probably have pumped lethal gas into the room from the ceiling.
"I brought you some snacks."
Wifey placed the treats on a conveyor belt. They went through several layers of high-tech inspection before finally being delivered to my room.
I supposed you could call it a Malice-filled Rotating Sushi System.
"Yay, potato chips!"
In all seriousness, I was starving.
A Kawagon, munching on potato chips.
"Lord Groom, you are to sleep today. I shall give orders for your meals to be served as well."
"Thanks. By the way, did you find anything out?"
"It seems liquid metal nanomachine weapons existed in the past. Your current treatment follows the protocols from that era. Now, we simply await the results of the tissue analysis."
"Roger that! ...Wait, so does that mean Sariel is some kind of liquid metal cyborg?"
"We do not know yet."
If Sariel really was a liquid metal cyborg, he was an undeniably top-tier threat in any sci-fi setting.
A real pain in the neck had emerged...
"Now then, be a good boy! Understand?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Visiting hours ended, and Wifey headed back.
Since no one else was allowed to visit, I was so bored I felt like I might actually die.
There was a surveillance camera watching me, so I figured I’d get yelled at if I started dancing.
Hey, hey, are you observers watching?
Hyahhooooi!
"What are you doing, de arimasu?"
"Uberaboppooi!!"
It was One-oh-one and Tatiana.
Thank god... I was just a few seconds away from baring it all for a laugh.
"We brought you your dinner, de arimasu!!!"
"Thaaaanks."
My bento arrived after passing through dozens of sensors again.
The meal was a hamburg steak.
"Here, have some tea."
She gave me the whole pot, along with some paper cups.
"Good girl, good girl."
I reached out my hand, but of course, I couldn't actually touch her through the glass.
However, Tatiana leaned in, whispering an "Nn," and offered her head.
"Ooh. Tatiana also loves the Major very much, de arimasu!"
"N-No! This is just a conditioned reflex! It's because Leo's always stroking my head!!!"
Her face was bright red.
It made me happy to see that she’d become as affectionate as a stray cat that had finally decided to trust someone...
"I-It's not like that! I'm leaving!!"
"Come again soon!"
Tatiana dragged One-oh-one along and stormed out.
And just like that, I was bored again.
Man, I really wondered if this quarantine was even necessary.
I was about to open the menu in augmented reality to play a game when the Fairy suddenly appeared.
"Leo-kun! We have a problem!"
"What is it?"
"The research ship carrying your sword has become unnavigable!"
Wait, what? Isn't it a bit too early for that flag to pay off?
Give me a break.
This was turning into a total horror movie.
"What about the cameras?"
"I'll show you the footage."
Alarms were blaring.
Researchers, technicians, and combatants were sprinting through the corridors.
I could tell just from the chaos that it was bad.
"Wait? Is this the part where a giant monster shows up?"
"We don't know that yet either."
I really hoped it wasn't the kind of story where the crew turned into zombies one by one.
[The sample escaped! Catch it!]
...Yep, it was exactly that kind of story.
[It's still moving even in liquid nitrogen?!]
...So the freezing treatment was useless. It had zero effect.
But at least it wasn't entering through their ears to hijack their brains without warning.
I dialed the fear level down one notch.
[H-Hey!!! The cable was cut!!!]
[Crap! The power's out!!!]
Everything was fading into darkness.
...I dialed the danger level back up.
The cameras continued to record using backup power—or rather, internal batteries.
"What about the life support system?"
"Unlike when you first encountered it, it's not a total loss. I think they'll hold for a while. Even if the main power stops, the supply base is nearby, and they should be able to survive on the life support systems of their individual combat suits."
Even so, the fact that it could cripple the ship was terrifying.
It had changed from a massive presence to something small and compact, aiming specifically for vital components.
Thinking about a swarm of those things coming at us...
"Should I go?"
"Actually, stay away. As things stand, we can just scuttle the whole ship if the worst comes to the worst, but if you go there, Leo-kun, there's no telling what might happen."
"Ehh..."
A few hours later, I received word that the ship had been blown up.
Man... the combination of a Crab and Sariel was a nightmare...
To make matters worse, we had a mix of Crabs, which were only affected by ballistic weaponry, and Sariel, who was immune to ballistic weaponry... how were we supposed to handle that?
It would be one thing if that were a boss monster, but if those were the new rank-and-file... the Empire might actually be doomed.
Hmm, hmm... This was a serious problem.
"Leo-kun."
The Fairy spoke in a wheedling, honeyed voice.
Oh no. That was a bad sign.
"...There is a 600-year-old weapon available. Do you want to try it?"
"Are you serious?"
She was actually asking me, "Do you want to try it?"
It had to be a dreadful weapon.
I knew it.
The Fairy didn't have any confidence in it either.
But our options were running thin.
"I'm counting on you."
And so, while ordering this new mystery weapon, my detention continued.