A military Jester investigation team arrived in my territory.
They were there to examine me, Alyssa, and Tatiana. Since this happened every month, it was just a routine part of our duties.
There were blood tests and other various screenings, along with physical ability measurements. This time, however, an interview was added to the mix.
It made sense; you couldn't exactly measure the potency of a Jester’s ability through raw destructive force.
The three of us sat in a row of chairs in the same room. A gentle-looking older man wearing glasses began the questioning.
"Please tell me about your families' history with injuries and illnesses."
Family injuries?
Alyssa answered first. "My da—... My father was a carpenter. He fell off roofs countless times, but strangely enough, he never suffered a serious injury."
Next was Tatiana. Since she was a clone, I didn't think this would be particularly relevant for her. "I... well, I did hear that my mother and younger sisters suddenly stopped getting hurt. Even though the neighborhood is rough and there's usually no end to their scrapes."
"And you, Captain?" the man asked.
Now it was my turn. "Actually, our territory has these things called Pumas—or rather, a slightly larger subspecies. Before I entered the Imperial Officer Academy, my father was attacked by one."
"How large was this beast?"
"About one and a half times the size of a lion, I'd say."
We occasionally found carcasses; upon investigation, they usually weighed around four hundred kilograms. They were roughly the size of a brown bear from the Imperial Capital Planet.
"That’s practically a monster," the investigator noted. "And then?"
"He tried to run, but his guards left him behind, and he got bitten on the rear. It seems the beast was satisfied just by tossing my father aside and stealing his pants... He walked home with his business swinging in the breeze. He was in a foul, annoying mood for about a month after that."
That was the version of Leo from before I’d regained my memories. As I looked back, I realized it wasn't just me; my family was full of dark, embarrassing histories. Yes, me and my family.
"Also, my eldest brother once stuck a firecracker between his cheeks and—"
"I can guess the ending, so that’s quite enough," the man interrupted.
How cruel! The punchline was him rolling around in agony!
"Very well. I'll report these findings."
"What exactly is this investigation for?" Alyssa asked.
The technician smiled kindly. "It's about the reach of a Jester's ability. It seems all of you—though in Private First Class Tatiana’s case, it only began recently—have been subconsciously helping your families avoid serious injury or death. Especially you, Captain. Normally, a man dies when attacked by a beast of that size."
"In my household, being mauled by a monster was treated as nothing more than a hilarious mishap."
"It is likely the work of your Jester ability. I shall include it in the report."
Once that interview concluded, the parade of audiences began. It was a torrential Sato rush. They were all relatives of House Sato, so everyone was named Sato. I had no choice but to distinguish them by their titles.
"You are the Planet Sato Branch Z Local Governor, Mr. Sato, correct?"
"Sir!"
A man who looked like he was about to transform arrived. He had the face of someone who would raise a child with 'iron fist' discipline to beat the pampered curls out of their hair.
"These are the accounting records for the past few fiscal years."
I handed them to the Fairy without hesitation.
"There appear to be no issues," she reported.
"Thank you, Mr. Sato. I look forward to your continued service. Next."
The disciplined man bowed his head and exited.
The next arrival was an old man with the face of a villain who would pick a fight with a reincarnated hero in a tavern, only to be killed in a single line of dialogue.
"I am Sato, the Local Governor of Planet Sato Branch ZZ. To think a mere upstart from a Marquis House would act so high and mighty."
"You really shouldn't be in such a rush to die," I muttered.
"Guh! Why, you...!"
"Whatever. Just hand over the documents."
The data was sent over, and I tossed it to the Fairy.
"He's in collusion with pirates," she said immediately.
"Guards. Traitor. Take him away."
"Y-You bastarrrrrrrrrd!!"
The idiot was hauled off. The arrogance of these local power-holders was staggering. It would have been easier if Wifey were here for this, but she’d told me to handle it solo. Apparently, there were rumors going around that I was at her beck and call.
As the traitor was led away, the next person stepped forward. "I am Sato, the Local Governor of Planet ν Sato Branch."
I was starting to see a pattern. There was almost certainly a Planet G Sato Branch waiting in the wings. I continued meeting Sato after Sato. So far, no Zorks.
"I am Sato, the Village Chief of Planet Lady Grey."
This one wasn't a local power-holder. He seemed to be a simple chief without any formal government rank.
"There are problems with the accounting..." the Fairy noted. "Or rather, there's nothing but problems. It looks like there's been zero development, so they're constantly in the red."
"I have to say... seeing a planet that's just normally struggling is actually refreshing!"
The other governors and mayors were all busy funneling profits to pirates, embezzling, committing breach of trust, or smuggling drugs... Were they all idiots? Their lives were stable, yet they threw it away. By contrast, a planet in genuine poverty felt honest.
"I'll approve a budget for you. Please focus on development."
"Th-Thank you! Thank you so much!"
He thanked me through tears for some reason.
"Right. Next."
"I am Sato, the Northern District Commander of the Duke Sato Army."
Since his turn came so early, he presumably wasn't related to the parents of the Knight Commander.
"This is the report on the current state of our forces."
And yes, it was disastrous. They were in a state of near-collapse following Prince Thomas's expedition.
"I'll provide a budget. Use it to strengthen your recruitment and public relations."
"Sir!"
Forced conscription was pointless. The previous Sato idiots had screwed things up so badly that the military wasn't trusted. The easiest way to start would be offering scholarships to schools in the Imperial Capital.
"Man, the territory is in shambles."
"We are in the middle of a war, after all," the Fairy sighed.
This territory actually had money. However, the human resources had all been wiped out during Thomas's expedition. The Duke Association really had been a cancer on the Empire. Wiping them out had definitely been the right call.
That concluded the audiences for the day. Meeting such a large crowd was exhausting. While we were working, everyone else was having the time of their lives at the beach.
It was so frustrating!
Driven by pure spite, I changed into my trunks and charged out!
"Hya-haaa!"
I dove straight into the ocean. I wanted to play, too!
"Ahahaha! The Captain’s finally snapped!" Melissa laughed, pointing at me.
She was wearing a sporty tank top. She looked amazing! The guys also had shredded abs—as did I, to be fair.
I swam until I was spent, then engaged in some beach sumo with the boys. Reaching a point where you did sumo while exhausted was the ultimate proof of being a muscle-brain.
Yet, even in this paradise, an interruption arrived. The steward came running toward us.
"M-My Lord! P-Pirates have arrived! It appears the Imperial Guard Knight Order has betrayed us!"
"...Are they morons?"
Everyone present shared the same look: Oh, those guys are dead.