When I tried to follow them without making a scene, Melissa and Ren showed up with smirks on their faces.
It didn't stop with them, either; even the boys were trailing along.
We all headed outside to the practice grounds on the estate.
The boys were carrying a chair like a festival palanquin, and perched atop it was Wifey, lounging back with an air of total arrogance.
Watching the spectacle from a distance with a look of pure horror was Tatiana, the only one who seemingly had a shred of innocence left.
"What is this, some kind of tyranny?" I asked, tossing a jab her way.
It was an obligatory quip.
"The boys insisted! Gah-ha-ha-ha!" she laughed, only to be interrupted by a shout.
"Hey! Don't you ignore us!"
Apparently, being completely overlooked had rubbed the local knights the wrong way. They were fuming.
Then again, they’d shown up here while completely ignoring my schedule, so they should have expected a cold reception.
"What do you want? Come on, spit it out."
"You fraud!"
"Hey, Wifey. Is this guy really the Knight Commander? Does this place have nothing but idiots in its Knights?"
"A majority of them died during the expedition. This fellow is likely part of the substitute group left behind to mind the planet."
Ah, I knew the type. It was like a sports club where the first-stringers were well-behaved, but the moral standards of the benchwarmers were absolute garbage.
The man's face turned a violent shade of crimson.
"You! You’re nothing but a liar! 'Catching a bullet with your bare hand'? Like anyone could actually do that!"
"You’re absolutely right. Isn't he, everyone? Normally, that should be impossible!"
Everyone nodded in agreement.
Of course, during our subsequent training, almost every boy—regardless of their specialization—and every girl in the fighter pilot track had successfully managed to do exactly that.
"He’s right! Our captain is always breaking common sense!"
"He is my husband, after all!"
"He’s the Lord Groom, so..."
The girls were strangely accepting of the fact, while the boys just laughed their heads off.
Seeing that, the Water Heater Commander hit his boiling point.
"Don't you mock meeeeeeeee!"
Tap.
My low kick—or what looked like one, but was actually a calf kick—caught the Water Heater Commander right on the lower leg.
"Guh!"
The commander collapsed on the spot.
Even a light tap would be enough to paralyze someone who had never experienced the move before. By now, he was probably tensing up in pain, which would only make it harder for him to move.
"If you’re going to come here for a brawl, you should at least put on a combat suit first."
I looked down at the man.
"I'll fucking kill you!"
It’s hard to take a threat seriously when it’s delivered through teary eyes.
Besides, his appearance was a mess. His buttons weren't done up, his beard was unshaven, and he hadn't even worn his military cap despite visiting his Lord. He hadn't even brought a sword.
Wasn't he supposed to be a Duke's Personal Guard Knight?
That gave me a brilliant idea.
"Tatiana~. Come here for a second."
I gave her a bright smile.
"Geh! W-what is it?"
Since Tatiana had joined us, it was time for a little test. I grabbed the commander by the scruff of his neck.
"It’s time for the Military Dress Code Violation Guessing Game! Today's contestant is Tatiana."
"You're so wicked!"
"Ge-he-he-he-he!"
I let out a laugh that probably looked like a demonic lion dance. Sensing that things were about to get ugly, Tatiana’s cheeks began to twitch.
"Um... first, his buttons aren't fastened to the top."
"Correct."
Slap! I delivered a sharp sting to the commander’s cheek.
"Y-you! What are you—"
"Next."
"H-his rank insignia is crooked!"
"Correct."
Slap!
"A button is hanging by a thread!"
"Correct."
Slap!
On the third hit, the commander’s eyes rolled back into his head.
"Oh, he fainted after only three. Tatiana, what else?"
"His hair and beard!"
He really was a slob. I thought about giving him a proper punch, but decided to just toss him aside instead.
"Would the rest of you like a turn?" I asked, flashing a smile at the rest of the small fry.
"Yooooou! Kill them! Kill them all!"
The idiots charged.
Yep, they failed the test.
"Everyone! Give them a lesson!"
"You got it! Leo gave the word!"
"Woooooooooooh!"
The boys rushed in, shouting with glee.
Veronica, who had stepped down from her palanquin at some point, sat in her chair and settled into "spectator mode." I took my place beside her.
Ren and Melissa stood there as well, not bothering to join the scuffle.
"Aren't you two joining in?"
"If the captain, Ren, or I got involved, it would be too one-sided to be fun. I'll pass this time," Melissa said.
"It would be over in a heartbeat if my husband stepped in, after all."
"It isn't entertaining to watch the Lord Groom get into a petty brawl," Wifey added.
They certainly had high opinions of my lethality.
"Ahaha! Look at that one! Punch him, punch him! Seriously though, these guys are morons. They just threw away their only chance to apologize."
"I wonder why."
"That's the scariest thing about the captain," Melissa said, her tone suddenly shifting. "He doesn't look like much, but he has the presence of a truly strong man. People who are only 'sort of' strong just have their brains short-circuit when they see him."
"Ah, I get that. It’s because the Lord Groom is so humble."
"So, Captain, what's the plan?" Melissa asked, her face suddenly turning serious.
"Plan for what?"
"How are you going to handle them?"
"Fire them, I guess? That’s the standard procedure."
"Oh? My Lord Groom, will you be beheading them?"
"Don't say such scary things! I'm just dismissing them. I don't have the patience to try and train those people."
"I suppose not. They are a wretched lot... still, I wonder if men of this caliber would actually think to stage a raid on their own initiative."
"Exaaaaactly."
Tatiana was the only one looking on in confusion.
"What does that mean?"
"It means there was an idiot behind the scenes egging them on."
By the time I finished the sentence, the fight was over. Every single one of them had been knocked out.
Our academy students were virtually unscathed. These knights were weaker than a Zork, and every boy in the academy could handle a Zork one-on-one. There was never any chance for a group of substitutes to win.
"...They're way too strong," Tatiana muttered, looking completely appalled.
"Welcome to the Jester class! Don't worry, you'll be able to do this much soon enough!"
"I don't want to stop being human!"
"It's fine, it's fine. As long as Uncle Piggett doesn't show up, none of the training will actually kill you."
"Wait, there’s someone even worse?!"
"Yeah. Wifey’s Personal Guard. They're our teachers."
"Can I please just go home? Or maybe you could introduce me to a nice, easy job with good pay?"
She certainly had a lot of nerve.
We headed back inside, and I instructed the steward to call the police. The knights were taken into custody, and I was questioned for the report.
Almost immediately, we received contact from the knights' families, claiming they wanted to offer an apology.
'I refuse, de-gozaru.'
I couldn't actually say that, so I agreed to meet them—but I put them at the absolute bottom of my list. They could wait until every other appointment was finished.
I’d come here for a vacation, but this territory was proving to be a real pain.