It was finally over.
Once the Boss Zork fell, the rest of the creatures retreated. Peace had returned to the planet.
As for me, I was currently buried under a growing mountain of reports.
"More complaints about the Bolt Thrower. Let's see... 'The flash is too bright, causing camera blowout.' 'The armor plating melted.' 'Electromagnetic interference caused software anomalies.' 'The sensors fried.' ...Basically, it’s a defective weapon."
The Fairy helpfully organized the data into graphs and tables for me.
"Still, it’s better than beam weaponry, which does nothing at all. I’ve added requests for fireproof armor coating, electromagnetic-resistant sensors, and camera lens modifications... There. I’ve drafted the requisitions. Please sign here."
"Phew... I never would have survived life as a Captain without you, Fairy."
I mindlessly tapped my electronic signature onto the endless pile of digitized documents.
"Oh my, Leo-kun. A recommendation for your promotion just arrived from the research institute."
"I'm at my limit! There’s no way I can handle this much administrative work without a proper foundation from the Academy!"
Even now, my daily routine was consumed by requisitions, weapon evaluation reports, and ammunition management. I spent my days drafting training schedules and shift tables for my subordinates. If I were promoted to Major, I’d be drowning in paperwork for construction, civil engineering, welfare benefits, military pensions, and the Marine Corps Loans my subordinates had taken out—ga-ga-ga-ga-ga...
(The Marine Corps Loans were almost all for legitimate reasons, like houses in the Imperial Capital being destroyed where their families lived. Apparently, government subsidies were taking forever to be paid out.)
If I got promoted again, my basic knowledge simply wouldn't be able to keep up. Furthermore, because so many military clerks had died in the line of duty, my personal workload had tripled. Even now, I was only barely keeping my head above water because the Graduate Student and the Fairy were working themselves to the bone.
"Alright! The paperwork is dead!"
Having vanquished the documents with my Ninja Art: Chaotic Stamp, I reached for a cup of instant ramen.
Me hungry. Me eat.
"Honestly... eating that stuff again?"
Kevin arrived right on time.
"Here, eat this instead."
He had brought a meal from the cafeteria. A Salisbury steak set... truly a godsend.
"So, are you finished for the day?"
"Waaaaaagh! I don't want to be a Major! I really don't!"
"Oh, by the way, I heard Pigget-san is being promoted to Personal Guard Captain. He’s officially becoming a Colonel."
"What about the Commander?"
"Promoted to Brigadier General. He’s moving from the Veronica Squad to a position near the top of the central command. Apparently, Prince Thomas’s expedition isn't going well. They’re saying it’s become a graveyard for field and company officers."
"Where are you getting this info!?"
"It’s all over the news. I guess they can't hide behind propaganda anymore. They’ve even gone public with the fact that if we lose to the Zorks, humanity faces extinction."
"How are they reporting on us?"
"Victory after victory. They’re calling us the Guardian Heroes."
"How stupid! Absolutely, utterly ridiculous!"
Just because I didn't get hurt this time didn't change the fact that the Viscount’s territory was a graveyard. Forget the theme park; the damage was so severe that it was hindering the basic administration of the territory. At this rate, they might even decide to close the planet entirely. The last one, Planet Shiramber, had already been slated for closure. You can't call this a victory.
"How’s Melissa’s father?"
"He had a rib pierce a lung, so he needed surgery. It’s a miracle he was even able to move... He should be discharged next week."
I was convinced Melissa’s old man was a freak of nature.
"And Melissa?"
"She’s looking after her brothers and her father. The three of them were so battered it’s a wonder they’re still breathing."
Both of Melissa’s Brothers, Rikuto and the other one, had suffered numerous fractures. Apparently, it was a miracle they survived. But wait... Rikuto was talking to me normally, wasn't he? Was he a monster too?
Regardless, Melissa was busy playing nurse for the three of them. Kevin and Nina—the pirate’s daughter who turned out to be a surprisingly soothing presence—went to help her out occasionally. Nina-san was such a caring person. I just wanted to be enveloped by her surplus meat... As a fellow man, I was rooting for her with all my heart!
"I’m telling Veronica-chan."
"Are you an Esper!?"
"I can tell what you boys are thinking just by looking at you..."
Well, that made sense. Boys didn't think about much besides eros and dirty jokes.
Just then, the rest of the guys swarmed into the room.
"Captain Leo!"
Since they were calling me "Captain" specifically, I knew this was going to be bad for me.
"Whaddya want?"
"Lend us some money!"
"Drop dead!"
"No, listen! The Kunoichi Cabaret is the only place still open for business!"
"A Taimanin place!?"
What should I do... Eroticism aside, I just wanted to see it. I pulled up my Wallet App. My balance was looking quite healthy.
"Wait! Leo-kun! I’m telling Veronica-chan!"
Kevin tried to stop me, but this was a force of nature. Because they were kunoichi! It was the ultimate romance, wasn't it? Even if it turned out to be a total bust, I’d have a story to tell for years. I didn't mind parting with 50,000 Credits.
"Reporting this to Veronica-chan now~"
"Ah! Fairy, you traitor!"
I was promptly apprehended by Piggett, who came charging in the second the Fairy sent the report.
"But! But! I just wanted to see a kunoichi!" I wailed, flailing my arms and legs. I just wanted to see one! A real kunoichi!
"Yeah! What he said! We just wanna see kunoichi!" The other tied-up boys flailed their legs in solidarity.
"My, my, Lord Groom. You certainly have some nerve. To be yearning for kunoichi while setting this one aside."
Ah, she was pissed. I could tell from her voice alone that she was livid.
"B-But... I just wanted to look! I just wanted to see what it was like!"
My wifey leaned in and whispered into my ear.
"If you honestly confess your sins... I’ll do a kunoichi cosplay for you."
My eyes instantly sparkled with pure, wholesome intent.
"I am so sorry. I was wrong! Wifey is the absolute best!"
"Hey! Leo, you bastard! You betrayed us!"
"Shut uuuuuuuup! That's right, I am a Warrior of Love! I’ll do anything for my wifey!"
"You piece of trash! You better watch your back in the dark!"
"Heh-heh-heh! Wifey is the best! Whoo-hoo!"
"Um... Leo-kun. I looked into that place."
"What is it, Fairy? Why do you look so sorry for me?"
"Here. Look at this."
She sent me a photo. What I saw were "older sisters" who had accumulated far too many rings on their trunks to be called mature ladies. Their skin looked like parched, dried fish. And for some reason, they all had purple hair...
Oh...
"It seems the average age is in the late seventies."
"Alright, everyone disperse."
"Yessir..."
There were no kunoichi to be found in this world.
The scene in my mind shifted to the Sea of Japan in winter. A cold wind stung my cheeks. Tears welled in my eyes. This was the way of a man who spoke only with his back. In the end, the only hope I had left was the promise of my wifey’s cosplay.
Ah, the Sea of Japan in winter. Such is the harshness of a man's sea.