I managed to defeat the Fake Jester, though it cost me a good portion of the floor and most of the paint on my face. I had played my part as a "galaxy-class" heroic stepping stone to perfection.
I gave the Fake Jester a little poke with the chainsaw. It didn't move. Well, to be precise, it was twitching just a little bit, but it clearly no longer had the strength to peel off the foaming resin. I had no intention of kicking a man while he was down—or a monster, for that matter—so I refrained from giving it a celebratory boot.
"Lord Groom, I have ordered the drones to recover the samples," Veronica said over the comms. "This should advance our research considerably. Assuming the drones aren't shot down, of course."
"Su~re."
I suppose different life forms can only truly understand each other through dissections and experiments. Then again, the Zorks' understanding of humans was pretty slapdash too. Since they likely dissected every human they captured, I guess we were even.
Feeling a bit more like a mature adult, I headed deeper into the facility. Waiting for me at the back was a masterpiece of sci-fi trope-craft: a brain housed within a storage capsule. Truly, the work of a master craftsman.
"It's not... human, right?"
The size of the brain was completely off the charts. It was a hunk of meat that looked like it weighed a good hundred kilograms. At the very least, it wasn't some heroine being kept alive as nothing but a brain in a jar.
...Honestly, I was relieved.
"Fairy-san, do you know what this is?"
"Sniff, sniff... I smell an enemy. Lick. This taste... it's a Core Node!!!"
"You’re an AI! You don't even have a sense of smell or taste!"
"Just do it! Leo-kun, hurry up and kill it!"
"Eh... even though it’s defenseless?"
"Grrr!!! Zorks are the enemies of humanity, you know!!!"
"True..."
Still, something felt off. Fairy-san had injected me with five-hundred-year-old medicine without my permission. Because of that, I couldn't bring myself to trust her. Wasn't there a better way to handle this?
Wait, I had an idea.
"Hey, Fairy-san. Can't you hack it? Since it’s connected to machinery, its thoughts and data must be encoded, right?"
"...Why do you always have to say something interesting at a time like this, Leo-kun?! Geez, fine, whatever. Someone as great as me can read it easily."
Fairy-san began her analysis, accompanied by some rather exaggerated electronic beeping noises. The results came back almost instantly.
"Yes! Because I’m a capable fairy, the analysis is already complete!!!"
"Look at you, what a good girl. There, there."
"Hehe! Now then, let's do a simultaneous broadcast across as many channels as possible!"
"Hey, stop that!"
What if this was classified as a military secret?! But Fairy-san ignored my attempt to restrain her and started the broadcast anyway.
[Attention, everyone! Little Zork-chan is scared witless of humanity! Apparently, it’s so terrified of my master Leo Kamishiro’s freakish strength that it's running away with its tail between its legs! Gyaha! It’s even calling the Veronica's Personal Guard led by Leo Kamishiro the 'Reaper Squad' because it’s so scaaaared! Puh-leeze!]
It was a provocation that put her nasty "Mesugaki" personality front and center. You... you really were a bratty little mess, weren't you?
Still, to think that not just Claire and me, but even Melissa and the boys were being feared to that extent...
"Lord Groom!!! What is the meaning of this broadcast?!" It was my wife.
"Hmm? It seems Fairy-san is leaking information onto the net."
"It’s not just the net! She has hijacked every broadcast in the entire galaxy!"
"Fairy-san! What have you done?!"
"Stop the broadcast immediate—no, wait, leave it as it is."
"What happened?"
"It seems His Majesty the Emperor is pleased. I have a message for you, Lord Groom: 'How elegant, this Mesugaki. You have my praise.'"
I really wished that Emperor would just drop dead.
"In any case, we can't stop the broadcast now. Let her finish the speech."
[We rise now! Heroes of the galaxy! Gather under Leo Kamishiro!!!]
...She’d gotten surprisingly good at speeches when I wasn't looking. Fairy-san... was she actually competent?
[Glory to the Empire!!!]
The broadcast ended. Immediately, a communication came in from the boys.
"Leo... you... you even had a Mesugaki attribute!"
"I’ll kill you!"
"Hehe... to be a slave to a Mesugaki... Just imagining it makes this humble one..."
"Someone sentence this guy to death already!"
With the farce over, Fairy-san spoke to me again.
"Hey, Leo-kun. Listen, the Zork said, 'It’s over, I’m self-destructing.'"
"Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
We all bolted at once.
"Fairy-san! Is there anything we can use to escape?!"
"There’s a Zork assault craft right there."
The Zork assault craft was a creature that looked like a giant stingray.
"It’s a literal living creature!!!"
Claire connected her cables to it. "Yeah, it’s fine. It’s an old-model system. I can pilot this. Leo, get in."
As soon as I climbed aboard, the Imperial Guard, the male students, and the regular soldiers all piled onto the stingray’s back. Even the guys whose machines had been disabled earlier managed to join us.
"It has a unique OS, but it seems to be compatible with Imperial systems. Let's go!"
With that, the hatch opened, and the stingray was released into the air. It soared through the sky.
"Why is it compatible?!"
"I think they probably made it by referencing the Empire's systems," Claire shouted over the wind. "Since that’s all they know, their tech is basically a knockoff."
In other words, it was the usual slapdash Zork logic.
The stingray flew toward the palace with remarkably stable flight. This was actually nice—it felt much smoother than usual.
"I’ll take this little one to the Imperial Research Institute," Claire said. "The Empire might be able to develop new weapons from it."
The stingray was a good girl. I kind of wanted one for myself. I certainly had no need for verniers that tried to kill me every single time I used them! It was hilarious that the Zorks actually put more consideration into safety than the Empire did.
A short while after we evacuated, the Battleship-type Zork exploded. The blast wave expanded outward, swallowing the surrounding city blocks.
"Bravo, even for an enemy! We, Leo-kun and his merry band of fools, are the strongest!!!"
Fairy-san... who do you think you are? I watched her looking down on everyone from an incredibly high horse.
"Ah, I’ve finished gathering the data. Transmitting to the research institute... now."
"Claire, stop Fairy-san."
"Fairy-san. No!"
"Okay~"
Everyone was way too soft on that fairy. She was a mass of pure evil!
"Wifey, I did it!" I contacted Veronica.
"Well done! That is my husband for you!"
"What about the recovery?"
Between the Fake Jester and the giant brain, there were suddenly a lot of things that needed to be collected. Though I figured the brain was probably a lost cause now.
"The samples of the Fake Jester and the brain have been recovered. With this, humanity has drawn closer to victory!"
My wife was delighted. I, however, had nothing but a bad feeling. The damage to the Imperial Capital was enormous. I had a feeling the Imperial Succession Struggle was about to get very messy.