A swarm of Crab-chans arrived.
Unlike the regular soldiers, who were still fumbling with their unfamiliar ballistic weaponry, the Idiot Boys were lightning-fast.
Some of them tucked machine guns under both arms, mown down the enemy in a single sweep. Those equipped with shields and machine guns fought methodically, providing a steady line of defense for the regular soldiers.
Melissa, the Imperial Guard, and I launched our usual vanguard charge.
"Gwahahaha! Come at me!"
One, two, three—I cleaved them in half as they came.
The murmurs of the regular soldiers crackled over the radio.
“Those guys... they aren't human...”
“They’ve got a screw loose...”
“Don't they feel fear or something?”
"Shut up! You guys get to work, too!" I barked.
At my command, the regular soldiers' units finally lurched into motion. Their tactics were straightforward: advance through the dungeon with assault rifles and shoot any enemy on sight. They operated in two-man cells, ensuring they dealt with every single target with overwhelming numbers. They never fought unless they held the advantage, using high-firepower weapons to annihilate the opposition instantly. It was a winning strategy—provided you actually had the numbers.
The problem was, there were too many Zorks.
"It's impossible! We can't hold the line!"
"Fall back! Fall back!"
The regular soldiers began to retreat, step by agonizing step.
Figures, I thought. But there was nowhere left to run. Knowing that, we simply kept pushing forward.
"Gwahahaha! Having fun yet, Lord Groom?!" Major Piggett called out gleefully.
It wasn't fun at all! I’m sure Piggett felt the same way, honestly. It was nothing but forced bravado.
A Zork lunged. Piggett caught the attack on his shield, and in that split second of vulnerability, I bisected the creature with a single stroke. Nearby, Melissa remained as efficient as ever, neutralizing her targets with minimal force and surgical precision.
The Idiot Boys, however, were truly possessed.
"The reason I don't have a girlfriend is all your fault!" one of them wailed, his voice cracking with tears as he sprayed his machine gun wildly.
"That's right, you bastards! Why is it only Leo who gets all the girls?!"
You guys...
The reason they didn't have girlfriends was entirely because they’d held things like that Ugly Contest. Melissa and Ren, who had been "nominated," were actually quite popular with the female students. Ren was someone they wanted to protect, and Melissa was straightforward and a friend to everyone.
"Boys are seriously such idiots," Claire muttered, her voice dripping with exasperation.
"Yeah, they really are."
"Exactly! All the girls have been ignoring them because of that stupid contest!"
So the girls had formed a united front. No wonder the guys weren't getting any action.
"Leo! Make sure you never act like those morons!"
"Don't worry," I assured her. Even if they held another contest, I wouldn't be invited. Those fools were busy being jealous of me, calling me the "Harem King" as if it were a fact. The only people I clearly had "flags" with were my wife and Melissa. And yet, there was no sign of any romantic "events" actually progressing.
I’m not a harem king!
But the Idiot Boys were weeping now. They were crying disgracefully.
"I'm going to distinguish myself here... and then the girls will pamper me..."
It was a delusion far too convenient for reality. It’s over, guys. The game is already finished.
"I'm going to become a hero!"
"Don't say that while you're crying!" I yelled.
"Uwooooooooooh! For the sake of being popular! I'll become a hero, Leooooooooh!"
So, they were willing to trade their humanity for a bit of popularity... That didn't seem like a fair trade to me.
Regardless of their motivations, the Idiot Boys began to annihilate the Zorks with movements that transcended human limits. They scaled walls vertically, clung to the ceilings, and dropped onto their prey from above. Their movements were practically Xenomorph-like.
Was this the power of an Awakened Virgin? It was a feat of agility made possible only by the raw, teenage instinct to be noticed by the opposite sex.
To be fair, there was a reason they were so desperate. Half of the students at the Officer Academy were nobles. You might assume that a noble would have a fiancée or two waiting for them, but reality was harsher than that. It was standard practice to send only the youngest children—the ones who wouldn't inherit the main estate—to state-funded institutions like the Officer Academy.
They had no fiancées. They had to secure a wife on their own merits.
However, women were scarce in the frontline military. While there were many in administrative or specialist roles, there was virtually no overlap in their daily lives. The system seemed designed to keep them apart. Aside from occasional contact with specialists like lawyers or engineers, it was a social desert.
What kind of hell was this?
To make matters worse, military personnel weren't exactly a hot commodity on the general marriage market. People were wary of the high PTSD rates associated with combat. No one wanted a spouse who might return from the front only to "class change" into an unemployed, alcoholic wreck. They were avoided for no particular reason other than a general sense of unease.
The pay wasn't even that bad...
Consequently, if you didn't find a wife during your student days, the difficulty of getting married spiked to "Extreme" mode. Hence the desperation.
Still, they really shouldn't have held that Ugly Contest... The sheer stupidity of late-teen boys was the root of all their problems.
Well, I was already a married man, though. (Not that I was flexing.)
I was so glad I was married! I was so glad I didn't have to behave that disgracefully!
Glancing to the side, I saw Piggett looking equally appalled.
"How pathetic... Have we... failed in their education?"
I think that's a bit much for you to take on since you're not even their teacher, Major. Besides, they were the type of creatures that wouldn't change even if you beat some sense into them.
"Major. Why don't we just punch them for now?"
"Lord Groom..."
If I hadn't married Veronica, I might have been right there in the middle of that crying, wall-crawling mess. Now that was a true horror story.
The savage onslaught of the male students was actually beginning to terrify the Zorks. We pushed deeper and deeper, clearing the path as we went.
Finally, we reached a large chamber. Standing in the center was a machine that looked identical to mine.
An identical model?!
"Watch out!" I shouted. It was definitely a fake.
The boys reacted instantly, diving behind cover, while the Imperial Guard raised their shields. Good, they’re fast.
I was the only one who approached. Since I was the "Hero," the task was naturally foisted upon me. Don't do it! Don't do it! Absolutely don't do it!
Fine then, I won't do it!
I signaled with my hand. On my command, the boys opened fire all at once. The fake blocked the barrage with its shield, standing tall with a composed air that seemed to say, How foolish.
It began to walk toward me. As it closed the distance, I could see it clearly.
What I had mistaken for a custom machine was actually a biological entity. It possessed a reinforced shell and a massive chainsaw clutched in its grip. The chainsaw roared to life.
"Gishaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" the imposter howled.
A new anti-Jester model was standing right in front of us.