I hacked into the Empire Express truck.
Thank god it wasn't a physical lock.
I remotely bypassed the central server's security and climbed inside. When I booted up the terminal, the Fairy AI tilted her head, looking puzzled.
"The cargo is heavy," she noted.
I figured as much. If I didn't dump the load, we’d never pick up any speed. I’d just take some photos and upload them to the military server; the insurance should cover the loss later.
Even so, I’d never heard of this company before. Between Black Nyanko, Seventeen-ya, and that light-freight outfit Vermillion Hat, those three usually held ninety percent of the market share. This company was a total mystery. Maybe they only did B2B?
I hacked the lock on the rear van body and opened it up. Then I circled around to the back and swung the doors wide.
The interior was lined with one-way mirrors.
My face went cold, like a professional hitman’s. My expression was a total blank.
I was not going to say a word. I refused to acknowledge this.
Inside were camera rigs, spotlights, and, sitting right in the center, a massive, heart-shaped bed.
I am absolutely not making a joke about this.
Are you kidding me?! Of all the vehicles in the city, why did it have to be this one?!
"What is all this~?" the Fairy AI asked in a carefree tone.
"Fairy AI. I am not answering that."
"Eh? Why not? Let’s see... the owner is registered as Diva Video?"
"Stop! Fairy AI, stop right there!"
I snapped a few photos and immediately started hurlng the filming equipment out. Die!
Next came several boxes that likely contained this or that. I launched them out like a catapult.
While I was mid-tantrum, Kevin finally caught up.
"Kevin, help me out!"
"O-okay!"
With Kevin’s assistance, I heaved the heart-shaped bed out onto the pavement. Die, you piece of junk!
"Hey, Leo? What kind of truck is this? Why are the walls transparent?"
"Kevin! Stay exactly as you are! Don't let yourself be defiled! I’m the only one who needs to crawl through the mud here!"
"Ah, okay. But what's wrong? Why are you crying tears of blood?"
"Sometimes, a man can't put his feelings into words. Sometimes, he has to let his back do the talking. You're a man, so you understand, right?"
"…Ah—right! I’m a man, so I totally get it! Because I’m a man!"
Kevin clearly didn't have a clue, but he played along anyway. He was so easy to manage; it was a lifesaver.
I’m a gentleman, after all! Even if I teased him about his "rocket" chest, I knew where to draw the line. This, however, was way past that line.
I threw everything out, even ripping up the faux-fur mats and tossing them into the street without mercy. Filthy! Die!
"Hey, hey, Leo-san. Look, in a place like this, there are dr... ugs... for soldier enhancem—"
"Hrah!"
Before the Fairy AI could finish her sentence, I photographed the dresser and messaged the report to the police hotline. Then, in one fluid motion, I sent the dresser flying.
"Gyah! What are you doing?! It was medicine to keep soldiers from sleep—"
"Shut your mouth!"
Seriously, Fairy AI, I’ve had enough! Her database was stuck five hundred years in the past! There was no way I was going to trust "stamina medicine" found in a truck like this!
"Huff... huff... huff..."
I was wiped out.
"What’s the matter, Leo? Your face is pale. And you're sweating a ton."
"It's nothing," I forced out.
I gave him a refreshing, sparkly-toothed grin. I had successfully shielded Kevin’s soul.
Still, that bastard Kevin! I thought he just didn't want to join in on the dirty jokes, but it turned out he had zero knowledge! He knew even less than my bride!
Damn it! Now I realized why he never showed up to our video screenings during our first year! He literally didn't understand what they were!
And I wasn't even invited! I was the only one they didn't ask!
Uooooooooooo!
Sometimes, a man's back tells a story of profound sorrow. In my heart, I wept manly tears.
"I’ve made a spot to store the motorcycle," I said, forcing another smile.
Finally, the cleanup was over.
"Ah, okay... but you're acting weird. Are you sure you're okay?"
"My heart is just a little exhausted, that's all."
"Oh, okay."
I loaded the motorcycle and helped Kevin inside. As for the police machine... it wouldn't fit. Towing it was out of the question since it didn't have a Roller Dash. While I was debating whether to make it sit in seiza on the roof, the Fairy AI made a concerned face.
"There are cracks in the joint gears," she noted.
Fuehh.
It was a shame, but we had to part ways with it here. A machine without a Roller Dash was slower than the truck anyway. If the joints were at their limit, there was nothing we could do.
Swallowing my tears, I put the truck in gear. The bike didn't have a proper stand to secure it, but it would have to do. This time, I took the wheel. I had a civilian large-vehicle license, after all.
Infuriatingly, this thing was a Biodiesel Vehicle. Since the fuel was made from trash, the taxes on it were dirt cheap. The alcohol fuel for the bike was also made from waste, but that was subject to a liquor tax. There wasn't much difference in performance between the two. Alcohol was for the rich, and Trash Diesel was for the laborers. It made zero sense.
"Hey, hey, Leo-san, Leo-san. There's a weapon in the dashboard."
I popped the compartment open and found a handgun. A Pulse Handgun. It was a high-output model that was definitely illegal for civilians on any planet.
"Wa-wa-wa-wa! Why is that in there?!" Kevin stammered.
"Maybe the owner was some kind of mafia type? Sorry, Kevin, take a photo and report it to the police."
"O-okay!"
"Also, you keep that, Kevin. From here on out, humans might be more dangerous than the Zorks."
"U-understool! If anything happens, I’ll protect you!"
Honestly, in my case, if an enemy was within handgun range, it’d be faster to just punch them. That’s why I gave it to him. It was all about putting the right person in the right role.
I flicked on the network news. Naturally, it was nothing but coverage of the invasion.
“The Imperial Capital Spaceport has been overrun by the Zork invasion. The Imperial Army has retreated from the facility. Evacuation efforts have been redirected to the North Spaceport. Vehicle travel is currently restricted under martial law. Please use public transportation for evacuation.”
"Looks like the spaceport is officially occupied," I noted.
"We were lucky to get out when we did."
“The fierce general Captain Leo, who made a name for himself during the Zork hunts, is also listed as missing following the assault on the spaceport.”
"Who's that?" I asked.
"That's obviously you, Leo."
"Please, anything but 'Captain'..."
Couldn't they have given me a cooler nickname?
The rest of the broadcast covered the damage across various regions. The news about the spaceport was being looped repeatedly; losing it was clearly a massive blow to the capital.
"There are supposed to be spaceports in the north and west," Kevin said, "but the west has already fallen. If the north goes, it’s game over."
"We’re cornered..."
"And the one who's going to change that is you, Leo."
"If only I had the Linear Blazer..."
"If you used that in the middle of the city, you’d wreck the place so badly it would never recover!"
"True... Fairy AI, any machines with a Roller Dash nearby?"
"None~"
"Any machines that can transform into vehicles?"
"Nope~"
This was a problem. If we were jumped now, we didn't have the firepower to fight back.
"Ah, over there at that construction site? I see a machine that looks like... a police unit?"
"Why the question mark?"
"The identification ID is strange."
"In that case," I said, "I'm turning right."
"Acknowledged."
I had a bad feeling about this. First the one-way mirrors in the cargo hold, and now this.