【Jester boarding confirmed. Please specify post-combination pose.】
What?
A voice was speaking directly into my mind...
【Please specify the color of the background smoke screen.】
"Uh, green?"
K-boom!!!
An explosion erupted behind me. A thick, billowing cloud of green smoke filled the air.
"What is this even for...?"
"Lord Groom!? What on earth was that? A smoke screen?" My worried wife’s voice came through the comms.
"This machine... it’s talking directly to my brain. It told me to pick a color, and when I did, that happened!"
"Is it PTSD...?"
"No! This thing is a Jester-exclusive Machine! It's packed with the most nonsensical gimmicks you can imagine! Believe me, wifey!!!"
"...Lord Groom. Just... just go. Just get it over with."
I guess I really had no choice but to charge ahead! It couldn’t be helped.
"Here I go!!!"
【The pose is...?】
"Whatever! Anything!"
Shakiin!
The machine struck the Raging Hawk Pose.
...It actually did it. It really struck a pose.
And then, another smoke screen went boom! My dark history just kept on multiplying.
【Extreme Mode can be unlocked.】
"I don't need it."
【Please unlock Extreme Mode.】
"I do not want it, I say!"
【If not unlocked, the unit will self-destruct.】
"Alright, fine! I get it!!!"
"Extreme Mode, release!"
【Extreme Mode: Released.】
Mechanical clunking and clanking echoed through the frame. Hey, the structural integrity is already garbage—don't go adding useless mechanical movements! This is exactly why you have paper armor!
"Lord Groom! What happened now!?"
"The machine threatened to blow itself up if I didn't unlock Extreme Mode!"
"Huh!?"
For now, I readied the steel beam like a makeshift club. A massive swarm of Crab-chans was skittering toward me.
【Activating ESP Power Assist.】
"What’s that now!?"
【ESP will be used to reinforce the moving parts. This increases mobility by three hundred percent and operating time by up to two hundred percent.】
What was that supposed to—
The moment the thought crossed my mind, a sensation like something was being violently wrenched out of me surged through my body.
"Wi-Wifey! My ESP is being sucked out! It’s being sucked outttttt!!!"
"L-Lord Groom!"
【Applying Brain Chemical Mitigation.】
That sounded terrifying!
In the next heartbeat, a sharp, stinging pain shot through the back of my hand. Needles had extended from the control stick, piercing straight into my flesh.
"Is this a syringe? Is this a syringe!? Hey, tell me—is this medicine still within its expiration date!?"
【...】
It went silent!
You're injecting me with five-hundred-year-old drugs!? You absolute monster!
Thump. My blood vessels pulsed violently. It felt as though every vein in my face was bulging. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, a groundless certainty of victory washed over me.
Yeah, this was that kind of drug. Definitely.
"Wife. Me... eat Zork whole."
"Lord Groom has finally snapped! Someone! Help! Lord Groom is—!"
I hoisted the steel beam over my head and spun it like a propeller.
"Angyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"
A roar that sounded more like a monster than a human escaped my throat. First, I used the steel beam to sweep away the leading edge of the crab swarm. The impact sent the crabs flying into the sky along with massive chunks of earth.
But there were too many of them. Their momentum didn't even waver.
【Assist: Full Power.】
At that moment, I became one with the Linear Blazer. Almost in sync with the AI's voice, I leaped. If the ESP wasn't assisting the frame, the joints surely would have snapped clean off. Instead, the giant metal body soared into the air.
I came down hard, performing a Stomping with both feet directly onto the crabs. The ground undulated from the sheer force of the impact, launching the surrounding swarm into the air.
I thrust the steel beam deep into the ground. Then, I extended my arms and began to spin the entire torso of the robot. I remembered a move like this from a fighting game. The crabs were shredded to pieces as if they’d been dropped into a giant industrial blender.
"Clean up the ones Leo missed!"
The students had finally arrived. They opened fire with the machine guns mounted on the back of their trucks, tearing the remaining crabs apart one after another.
"Leo! Are you alright!?"
"Pant... pant... BEAST EARSSSSSS!!"
"Leo is broken!"
I just couldn't speak properly, that was all! Though, I did notice I was drooling a bit.
"Fshuuuuu! MEGANE-KO KINGDOMMMMMMM!!!"
"The idiot is broken beyond repair!"
Everyone’s sitting in seiza after this battle, got it?
I spotted a Titan-type and pounced, swinging the steel beam. The Linear Blazer was far larger than the Titan-type, and there was no way the creature could withstand a direct downward strike from a beam of that size. I slaughtered it in a single blow.
But I couldn't let my guard down yet. Finally, the Parasite-types—the ones I had struggled so much against before—appeared.
"OPPAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!"
Regardless of my actual will, my mouth was shouting my deepest fetishes. Hey, there isn't a boy alive who hates breasts!
"Ah, you bastard! You were pretending not to be interested, but you're targeting Kevin's 'assets' after all, aren't you!?"
Let me state this clearly: I was not targeting him.
"Boyish girls are precious..."
"O-Oh, I actually got a compliment."
Melissa had arrived in a modified truck as well. She was waving at me from the gun turret.
"Lord Groom!!! Why was I not included in your shouting!? You’d better remember this for later!"
No, I really do like you, Ren. Really. It’s just that your body is so small I’m terrified I’ll break you. I think looking at you with lewd eyes can wait a little while longer.
"BEAST EARSSS!!!"
I leaped again, delivering a flying back-kick to a Parasite-type. The creature that had once been a nightmare to fight was crushed like wet paper. But it wasn't alone; several more Parasite-types were closing in.
【Death Blaster firing preparation.】
Wait, beam weapons don't work on them, right? And isn't that thing for tunnel construction?
【Negative. For any pilot other than a Jester, the weapon is downgraded to a Tunnel Boring Blaster. The Death Blaster is a powerful ESP weapon.】
"Wa-Wait! I have a really bad feeling about this!"
【ESP Charge for Death Blaster.】
"Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Stop! It’s sucking me dry! It’s sucking my soul outttttt!!!
【Death Blaster, fire!!!】
It was a gravity weapon. Probably. A black sphere erupted from the chest, and everything in its path was swallowed into a void. I was just glad I hadn't pointed it toward my allies.
It was pure, unadulterated destruction. It caused everything to vanish, leaving not even a blade of grass behind.
This was the kind of power you were supposed to leave to a Sage; you definitely shouldn't let a Jester play with it. Especially when the side effects were this ridiculously absurd.