I woke up.
I had a vague memory of someone telling me I was immortal. But realistically, that usually just meant being resurrected as a clone...
I glanced to my side and saw my wife sleeping there. Her face was still damp; she must have been crying.
...Then I noticed a strange sensation in my crotch.
Peeling back the covers, I discovered a tube inserted into my Ultimate Weapon of Destruction.
Ah... so they’d performed surgery under general anesthesia. It was likely a fully automated procedure handled by robotic arms. Gauze was taped over the wound, and another tube was attached to the incision to drain fluids.
To top it all off, I was hooked up to an IV. It was probably an antibiotic to prevent infection. I suppose I should be grateful I wasn't on a ventilator.
As I shifted, a sensor must have come loose. An alarm began to blare.
"Ngh! What?! What is it?!"
My wife jolted awake.
"Yo," I said. "By the way, am I a clone?"
"You're awake... Lord Groom... No, wait, that's not it! You were the one who said you hated the idea of clone treatment!"
"Well, yeah. Someone who just happens to have my memories isn't me—they're a stranger."
The moment I said that, my wife heartlessly slammed her finger onto the call button for the nurse station.
"I agree! ...Now then, let me say this... I was worried sick about you! You absolute idiot!"
"Look, I'm sorry. I just never imagined there’d be a spy on the human side. I wasn't exactly prepared to be assassinated. So, what happened to Kevin?"
"He was caught trying to escape and is currently imprisoned in the sub-level. A furious Melissa drew her blade and chased him all over the place, a silent, boiling Claire kept firing her gun, the boys were running around in tears, and the Imperial Guard had to snatch Kevin up before the girls got to him just to keep the boy alive... I was at my wit's end when you collapsed... It was a total nightmare."
"I'm sorry."
I truly understood now just how much trouble I’d caused.
"So, what's my status?"
"Nanomachine treatment couldn't keep up with the damage. They had to use a surgery unit to stop the bleeding and replaced your lost blood with artificial blood. Your heart stopped twice during the operation."
"Whoa, no way. That's terrifying."
"That is my line! To become a widow immediately after getting married... the tears just wouldn't stop..."
"I'm really, really sorry..."
I was honestly reflecting on my actions.
"So, what’s the word on Kevin?"
"He claims to be a Zork. We performed a full body scan to make sure he didn't have any bombs inside him."
"Makes sense."
"We found a GPS unit. But it wasn't our technology. It was a biological organ made of protein that functioned as a transmitter."
A chill ran down my spine. This was real. They were playing for keeps.
"Was he brainwashed?"
"No. But... there is one problem."
"What kind of problem?"
"He... is not a man..."
"Is it one of those things? Like, he was a girl in disguise all along?"
"No, it's not that. He's hermaphroditic."
"...Are you serious?"
The Zorks are way too sloppy! They have advanced genetic engineering, but they clearly have so little interest in other species that their attempts to mimic them result in these half-baked, grotesque biological messes.
My wife didn't even bother to hide her disgust.
In that case... I figured I’d try a joke to lighten the mood.
"Maybe my Ultimate Weapon of Destruction was made with Zork tech—"
"One idiot modifying his Ultimate Weapon of Destruction is more than enough when it's my own father! If the Lord Groom tries anything unnecessary like that, I'll kill you myself!"
Whoa, she was actually pissed.
"Ah, right. Understood. By the way... have you actually seen his?"
"How could I have seen it?! My elder sister, who was forced to bear his children, used to complain about it constantly!"
Ah, yeah. That tracks.
I think I finally understood the Emperor. He was probably born with an Ultimate Weapon of Destruction that was... well, let's say minuscule. He developed a massive complex after being laughed at, which drove him toward his "youthful" preferences. In a reactionary move, he’d become obsessed with surgical modifications.
"That damn old man! I'm going to kill him one of these days!"
My wife always flew into a rage the moment her biological father came up. She clearly couldn't stand him. Honestly, if I were her, I probably would have tried to kill him a long time ago.
"I see... so that's why you can't forgive the Zorks for their modification surgeries."
"Oh, you caught on, did you? I despise people toying with human bodies! Those crabs! I'm going to make sure they all go extinct!"
As we were talking, a nurse and a doctor entered the room. They peeled off the gauze and cleared away the necrotic tissue from the wound. Since the nanomachines had already isolated the dead cells, it didn't hurt. They pulled out the drainage tube, washed the area, and they were done. Most of the tissue had already repaired itself.
Next came the tube in my Ultimate Weapon of Destruction. The curtains were drawn, and the moment of truth arrived.
"Aaanh!"
"Don't make such a disgusting sound!" my wife barked from outside the curtain.
"But this seriously, for real, hurts!"
"O-Oh... it actually hurt? Are you okay?"
"If you've got that much energy, you'll be fine to be discharged tomorrow," the doctor noted.
"Hyah-hoo!"
And so, my discharge was set for the following day. Apparently, Melissa and Claire were currently in the brig as punishment for their little rampage, so they couldn't make it.
The next day, I changed into my clothes and left the hospital. My wife and the Imperial Guard veterans were there to meet me. Suddenly, one of the older guys grabbed me by the collar.
"Hey! Listen here, you! Didn't we tell you not to make Her Highness cry, you moron?!"
Can I be honest? They were way scarier than the Zorks. The sheer pressure coming off their faces... Getting this kind of "welcome" really hammered home the fact that I’d married into a yakuza family.
"Forgive him," Veronica sighed. "The Lord Groom didn't expect to be shot by a classmate either."
"There won't be a next time! You hear me, punk?!"
"Yes, sir..."
"Right, Lord Groom. From now on, we’re going to train you so you can handle being shot."
"That’s not even a human thing, is it?"
"Don't give me that crap! You think you're clever, using Heal on yourself right before you kicked the bucket?!"
"Wait, Heal? Who did?"
"The Lord Groom did," my wife answered. "You used Heal on yourself to keep from dying."
"I could actually use it?!"
I mean, technically I was supposed to be able to use all low-level ESP abilities. It was just that my power levels were despairingly low. I knew that in theory, but actually pulling it off was a different story. It was like knowing how to drive from playing a racing game versus actually operating a real car.
"It seems you did it unconsciously," she continued. "But no matter. Once we've secured this planet, your training begins."
"Wait... I thought you couldn't train ESP?"
"Use it."
"Huh?"
"Keep using it until you’re used to it. Make it so you can use it whenever you want."
Their mindset was way more "meathead sports club" than I anticipated.
I think... I might actually die.